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THE  USAGES 


OF  THE 

Best  Society 


A COMPLETE  MANUAL  OF 

SOCIAL  ETIQUETTE. 


BY  FRANCES  STEVENS, 
Author  of  ‘’Artistic  Furnishing,’  etc. 


NEW  YORK: 

A.  L.  BURT,  PUBLISHER. 


COPYRIGHT  1884  BY  A.  L.  BURT. 


sf^?ci 

PREFACE. 


Society,  like  any  other  complex  organization,  must  ad- 
opt a code  of  rules  for  its  proper  management  and  mainte- 
nance, and  these  laws  must  find  their  authority  in  their  per- 
fection of  adaptability  for  attaining  certain  ends.  The  laws 
of  etiquette,  though  they  may  sometimes  appear  trivial,  all 
have  a firm  basis  in  some  consideration  of  good  taste,  de- 
cency, modesty  or  common  sense;  and  every  refinement  of 
ceremony  which  fashionable  society  can  invent  tends  to 
increase  the  security  and  stability  of  the  social  system. 
Whatever  enjoyment  we  obtain  from  society,  from  that  ag- 
glomeration of  morning  calls,  breakfasts,  dinner  parties, 
luncheons,  evening  entertainments,  prolonged  visits,  rides, 
drives,  operas,  theaters,  and  all  which  go  to  make  up  the 
business  of  gay  life,  and  some  portion  of  which  enters  into 
all  life;  whatever  enjoyment  we  obtain  from  our  daily  inter- 
course with  others,  is  possible  only  through  our  obedience 
to  the  laws  of  that  etiquette  which  governs  the  whole  ma- 
chinery, keeps  every  cog  and  wheel  in  place,  at  its 
own  work,  which  prevents  jostling,  and  carries  all  things 
along  comfortably  to  their  consummation.  Instead  then  of 
regarding  the  understanding  of  these  laws  as  a trivial  thing, 
we  should  rather  look  to  see  if  observance  of  them  will  not 
lead  the  way  to  a still  higher  level  of  life  and  manners.  For 
we  may  rest  assured  that  etiquette,  placing  every  individual, 
as  it  does,  on  the  plane  of  sovereignty,  never  forgetting  his 
rights  and  dignities,  giving  him  his  own  place,  and  keeping 
others  out  of  it,  regarding  always,  as  it  will  be  found  to  do. 


4 


PREFACE. 


the  sensitiveness  of  the  most  sensitive,  destroying  the  ago- 
ny of  bashfulness,  controlling  the  insolence  of  audacity,  re- 
pressing the  rapacity  of  selfishness,  has  something  to  do 
with  morality,  and  is  an  expression  of  the  best  that  civiliza- 
tion has  yet  accomplished. 

There  are  fundamental  principles  of  good  breeding  which 
all  persons  must  observe  in  their  intercourse  with  their  fel- 
low-beings, or  be  cut  off  as  entirely  from  such  intercourse 
as  if  they  existed  on  another  planet.  And  besides,  there 
are  details  in  the  arrangement  of  certain  social  occasions, 
as  weddings,  dinners,  receptions,  teas,  etc.,  etc,  which  give 
the  desired  air  of  fashionable  righteousness,  without  which, 
in  many  people,  the  pleasure  of  social  communion  would  be 
but  legendary.  Most  of  our  social  laws  are  copied  after 
those  of  the  English,  but  the  democratic  character  of  our 
institutions  has  naturally  largely  modified  them.  We  allow 
precedence  to  but  two  classes: — to  women  and  the  aged — or 
at  least  we  do  in  theory;  but  considerations  of  station,  cul- 
ture, and,  we  are  sorry  to  say,  even  wealth  are  largely  rec- 
ognized. 

Nothing  is  given  in  the  following  pages  that  has  not  the 
sanction  of  observance  by  the  best  society,  best  not  merely 
in  the  sense  of  the  most  fashionable,  but  the  most  cultivated 
the  most  natural,  and  the  most  worthy  of  imitation.  We 
shall  go  back  to  the  alphabet  of  the  subject,  and  if  you,  dear 
reader,  are  annoyed  by  the  detailed  description  of  customs, 
you  and  your  friends  have  observed  for  ages,  remember  that 
these  pages  have  been  written  for  less  perfect  humanity, 
and  be  glad  with  the  pharisaical  rejoicing,  “ that  you  are  not 
as  they  are.”  F.  S. 

New  York,  1884. 


CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER  I. 

PAGE. 

Introductions  and  Salutations, . 7 

CHAPTER  II. 

Visiting  Cards  and  Visiting, 13 

CHAPTER  III. 

Strangers  and  New-comers, 23 

CHAPTER  IV. 

Engagements  and  Weddings, 28 

CHAPTER  V. 

Receptions  and  Debuts 50 

CHAPTER  VI. 

Private  Balls  and  Germans, 61 

i CHAPTER  VII. 

Fancy  Dress  and  Masquerade  Balls,  with  a few 

suggestions  for  costumes, 75 

CHAPTER  VIII. 

Opera  and  Theater  Parties, 85 

CHAPTER  IX. 

Dining  and  Dinner  Giving, 90 

CHAPTER  X. 

Table  Decorations  and  Table  Etiquette,  . . 100 


6 


CONTENTS, 


PAGE. 

CHAPTER  XL 

Luncheons,  Breakfasts  and  Teas, 113 

CHAPTER  XIL 

The  Art  of  Entertaining,  and  Entertaining 

ON  A Small  Scale, 124 

CHAPTER  XIIL 

Letter  Writing  and  Written  Invitations,  . . 136 

CHAPTER  XIV. 

Musical  “At  Homes"  and  Garden  Parties,  . 142 

CHAPTER  XV. 

Traveling  Manners, 147 

CHAPTER  XVL 

Etiquette  of  Mourning, 151 

CHAPTER  XVIL 

Wedding  and  Birthday  Anniversaries,  with  sug- 
gestions concerning  presents  for  all  occasions,  156 

CHAPTER  XVIIL 

New  Years  Day  Receptions, , . 163 

CHAPTER  XIX. 

Driving  and  Riding, 166 

CHAPTER  XX. 

Important  General  Considerations — Chape- 
rons,   170 

CHAPTER  XXL 

Brief  Hints  for  Every  Day  Use 179 


CHAPTER  I. 


INTRODUCTIONS  AND  SALUTATIONS. 

One  who  speaks  with  authority  says  “ that  per- 
sons who  have  been  born  and  reared  in  the  best 
society  never  make  a hasty  presentation  or  intro- 
duction/' 

In  introducing  the  individuals,  it  should  be 
first  ascertained,  if  possible,  whether  the  intro- 
duction be  mutually  agreeable;*  a gentleman 
should  not  be  introduced  to  a lady  unless  her 
permission  has  been  previously  obtained.  The 
proper  form  of  introduction  is  to  present  the  gen- 
tleman to  the  lady,  the  single  lady  to  the  mar- 
ried lady,  the  inferior  in  social  standing  to  the 
superior,  the  unknown  to  fame  to  the  famous, 
or  the  younger  to  the  elder.  In  introducing,  you 
say:  Mrs.  A.,  allow  me  to  introduce  to  you  Mr 
B.  Mr.  B.,  Mrs.  A.” 

When  the  difference  in  social  standing  between 
two  ladies  introduced  is  a debatable  one,  say, 
Mrs.  L.,  this  is  Mrs.  M.  Mrs.  M..  Mrs.  L.” 
Always  give  a gentleman  his  appropriate  title, 


THE  USAGES  OF 


for  instance:  the  Rev.  Mr.  Smith,  the  Rev.  Dr. 
Jones,  Governor  Brown,  of  Texas,  Mr.  Raphael, 
the  artist,  Mr.  Shakespeare,  the  author  of  Hamlet. 
If  he  be  a member  of  Congress,  introduce  him  as 
the  Honorable. 

If  several  persons  are  to  be  introduced  to  one 
individual,  mention  first  the  name  of  the  one 
person,  and  then  name  the  others  in  succession. 
A slight  bow  is  all  that  courtesy  demands  as  an 
acknowledgment  to  an  introduction,  hand-shak- 
ing having  almost  fallen  into  disuse,  although 
two  ladies  may  extend  hands,  and  so  al^o  may 
gentlemen. 

If  the  married  lady  be  glad  to  know  the  gentle- 
man presented  she  says  so,  with  frankness  and 
cordiality;  the  young  lady  simply  bows  and 
smiles. 

If  there  be  any  pleasure  expressed,  it  is  by  thi 
gentleman,  who  seldom  fails  to  say  some  com- 
plimentary thing.  A married  lady  should  al- 
ways extend  her  han^  and  express  a cordial  v/el- 
come  to  the  stranger  brought  to  her  home  by 
her  husband,  or  by  a friend. 

At  receptions,  the  hostess,  unless  requested, 
does  not  introduce  her  guests.  In  these  days 
when  society  opens  wide  its  doors,  not  only  to 
the  select  few,  but  to  the  very  many,  the  onus  of 
doing  the  agreeable  to  a room  full  of  people  is 
felt  by  a hostess  to  be  somewhat  of  a tax  upon 
her  powers,  and  she  shrinks  from  making  intro- 
ductions and  prefers  to  allow  fhe  guests  to 
amuse  each  other.  Introductions  should  be  con^ 
sidered  wholly  unnecessary  to  a pleasant  conver- 
sation. Every  person  should  feel  that  he  is^  at 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


9 


least  for  the  time  being,  upon  a social  equality 
with  every  guest  present.  A lady  or  gentleman 
must  conduct  himself  or  herself,  while  remaining 
in  the  house,  as  if  there  were  no  more  exalted 
society  than  that  which  is  present.  To  converse 
above  the  comprehension  of  a temporary  com- 
panion is  an  unpardonable  rudeness,  and  to  convey 
to  a fellow  guest  the  impression  that  surround- 
ings superior  to  the  present  are  the  only  ones 
with  which  the  speaker  is  familiar,  is  incontro- 
vertable  testimony  to  the  contrary.  If  pol- 
ished people  were  his  only  customary  soci- 
ety, unpleasant  comparisons  would  be  im- 
possible to  his  tongue.  Genuine  excellence  is 
never  compelled  to  arrest  or  explain  itself,  if  it 
happens  to  be  thrown  among  a people  with  less 
polished  formalities  of  manner.  A nobility  of 
sentiment  compels  its  possessors  to  be  agreeable 
to  simpler  folk  whom  they  meet,  and  an  intro- 
duction to  an  inferior  in  breeding  and  position, 
will  never  be  met  with  other  than  a kindly  ac- 
knowledgment. If  they  meet  again,  however,  no 
recognition  follows.  At  dinners,  dances,  etc.,  in- 
troductions are  a social  necessity,  although  it  is 
well  for  young  ladies  to  dance  only  with  gentle- 
men of  their  own  party,  or  with  those  they  have 
previously  known,  it  is  the  lady’s  privilege  to 
determine  whether  she  will  recognize  a gentle- 
man to  whom  she  has  been  thus  introduced. 

If  while  walking  with  a friend,  you  stop  for  a 
moment,  to  speak  with  another,  the  two  are  not 
introduced,  but  when  you  separate,  the  friend 
who  accompanies  you  gives  a parting  salutation. 

After  an  introduction,  it  is  the  privilege  of  the 


10 


THE  USAGES  OF 


lady  to  determine  whether  she  will  recognize  a 
gentleman,  and  he  is  bound  to  return  her  bow. 
It  is  not  enough  that  he  touch  his  hat — it  should 
be  lifted  from  his  - head.  Between  intimate 
friends  it  is  immaterial  who  bows  first,  the  lady 
or  gentlemen.  The  lady  may  be  distant  or  cor- 
dial in  her  salutation,  and  the  gentleman  must 
be  responsive  to  her  manner. 

It  is  said  that  ^‘you  should  never  speak  to  an 
acquaintance  without  a smile  in  your  eyes,”  but, 
as  a-  rule,  for  a lady  upon  the  street,  her  smiles 
are  few  and  her  bows  formal,  but  not  discourte- 
ous. The  body  is  not  bent  in  bowing,  the  in- 
clination of  the  head  is  all  that  is  necessary. 

The  fashion  of  bowing,  says  an  English  writer, 
has  undergone  great  changes  since  the  days  of 
the  Georges.  Now,  the  body  must  not  be  bent, 
only  the  head  inclined,  cordially  or  otherwise, 
according  to  circumstances;  genuflections  are 
relegated  to  dancing  and  posture  masters,  whose 
palmy  days  are  now  a thing  of  the  past.  In  the 
time  of  the  merrie  ” monarch,  the  plumed  and 
jeweled  hat  was  doffed  with  a sweeping  grace  to 
the  very  ground  and  there  held  until  thedady  so 
saluted  had  passed  or  retired;  now  the  hat  is  sim- 
ply raised  in  recognition  of  a fair  acquaintance, 
who  must  give  the  initiative  by  a slight  inclina- 
tion of  the  head,  and  we  are  informed  by  an  aris- 
tocratic authority  in  matters  of  etiquette  that  ^‘a 
gentleman  returning  the  bow  of  a lady  with 
whom  he  is  slightly  acquainted  would  do  so  with 
a deferential  air,  but  if  there  were  an  intimacy, 
he  would  raise  his  hat  with  greater  freedom  of 
action,  and  considerable  higher.” 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


n 


In  France,  it  is  the  gentleman  who  bows  first, 
and  there  too,  the  bow  is  the  signal  of  recogni- 
tion between  members  of  the  sterner  sex;  in 
England,  a nod  suffices.  A lady’s  obeisance  to 
royalty  fifty  years  ago,  was  an  acrobatic  feat. 
The  knees  were  bent  and  the  body  slowly 
brought  forward  in  graceful  and  reverent  guise, 
the  equilibrium  being  recovered  by  a backward 
movement,  very  difficult  to  perform  with  ease. 
But  the  monarchy  waxes  old,  and  republican 
manners,  assertive  of  independence,  make  high- 
flown  courtesy  ridiculous;  now  a courtesy  to  roy- 
alty is  merely  a deep  dip,  a sudden  collapse  as  if 
on  springs,  and  as  sudden  a reattainment  of  the 
perpendicular. 

A well-bred  woman  will  never  be  capricious  in 
her  public  recognitions  of  gentlemen,  nor  will 
she  be  demonstrative.  Self-respect  will  prevent 
her  from  expressing  any  private  sentiments  of 
dislike  in  her  public  greetings,  although  she  may 
refuse  to  recognize  an  acquaintance  for  good  and 
sufficient  reasons.  Her  greetings  will  be  fully 
polite,  or  they  will  not  be  given  at  all.  She  will 
not  insult  an  acquaintance  by  a frigid  salutation, 
which  may  be  observed  by  strangers. 

A gentleman  may  ask  a lady’s  permission  to 
turn  and  accompany  her,  if  he  is  a particular 
friend  of  her  family,  but  he  must  not  stand  still 
in  the  street  to  converse  with  her. 

A gentleman  walking  with  a lady  touches  his 
hat  and  bows  to  whomsoever  she  salutes  in  pass- 
ing. 

A gentleman  always  lifts  his  hat  when  offering 
a service  to  a strange  lady,  or  when  asking  par- 


12 


THE  USAGES  OE 


don  for  some  heedlessness.  She  bows  her  ac- 
knowledgment, but  does  not  speak. 

As  it  is  not  convenient  for  a gentleman  when 
driving  to  lift  his  hat,  etiquette  permits  a bow, 
with  which  the  lady  must  be  satisfied.  If  riding, 
he  may  lift  his  hat  or  touch  it  with  his  whip. 

When  a gentleman  enters  a drawing-room  for 
a short  call,  he  always  carries  his  hat  leaving  his 
overshoes,  overcoat  aad  umbrella  in  the  hall,  if 
it  be  winter  time.  The  lady,  unless  an  invalid 
or  advanced  in  years,  rises  to  receive  him,  and 
extends  her  hand  or  not  as  she  chooses;  if  she 
does  so,  the  gentleman  does  not  remove  his 
glove,  as  of  old.  At  his  departure,  the  lady  bows 
her  adieux,  but  must  not  again  extend  her  hand. 

A lady  does  not  accompany  a gentleman  to  the 
door  of  the  parlor  unless  he  be  an  elderly  per- 
son, or  some  one  whom  she  particularly  desires 
to  honor. 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


13 


CHAPTER  II. 

VISITING  CARDS  AND  VISITING. 

The  texture  of  the  card  should  be  fine,  and  its 
engraving  in  plain  script;  written  or  printed  cards 
are  not  used,  the  cost  of  engraving  being  trifling. 
Colored  or  glazed  cards  and  the  ornamentation 
sometimes  seen,  is  in  the  worst  possible  taste. 

Only  the  recently-married  have  their  names 
engraved  on  one  card;  this  is  of  the  largest  size. 
Somewhat  smaller  is  the  one  for  the  married  la- 
dy, and  smaller  still  the  one  for  a gentleman.  A 
young  lady  during  her  first  season  in  society  has 
her  name  engraved  on  her  mother’s  card;  if  the 
mother  is  not  living,  the  daughter’s  name  is 
printed  beneath  that  of  her  father  on  the  usual 
lady's  visiting  card,  but  not  on  the  smaller  cards 
used  by  gentlemen.  A brother  and  sister,  if  liv- 
ing alone,  would  have  their  names  on  the  same 
cards. 

The  name  is  in  the  center  of  the  card,  the  ad- 
dress in  the  lower  right-hand  corner,  the  recep- 
tion day  on  the  left  hand-corner,  as: 

Mrs.  James  Dash. 

Thursdays.  71.52  Fifth  Avenue, 

or. 


14 


THE  USAGES  OF 


M/'S.  Dash. 

Miss  (or  Misses)  Dash. 

7152  Fifth  Avenue. 

For  a gentleman: 

Mr.  Richard  Dash. 

Union  Club.  29  E.  191.S'/  Street. 

The  prefix  ‘^Mr.”  must  always  be  used,  or  the 
professional  or  military  title,  as: 

General  Dash. 

Rev.  Charles  Dash. 

Charles  Dash,  M.  D. 

A widow  may  use  either  her  own  Christian 
name  upon  her  card,  or  retain  that  of  her  husband. 
In  New  York  society,  etiquette  allows  each 
lady  to  decide  this  matter  for  herself,  although 
in  London  it  is  not  permissable  for  a lady  to  use 
other  than  her  own  Christian  name.  No  lady 
ever  suggests  by^her  card  her  husband’s  occupa- 
tion, his  civil  or  ecclesiastical  rank  or  military 
position.  If  both  names  are  engraved  upon  the 
same  card,  the  following  is  the  proper  form: 

Ge/i.  and  Mrs.  Dash. 

Rev.  and  Mrs.  Dash. 


but  never 


Mrs.  Gen.  Dash. 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


15 


A lady  may  be  mentioned  as  Mrs.  Judge  Dash, 
but  she  herself  never  assumes  her  husband’s  title. 
The  custom  of  turning  down  the  corners  of  cards 
is  dying  out.  A plain  card  not  turned  down  is 
the  accepted  style  for  every  purpose,  but  for  the 
benefit  of  very  young  ladies,  who  think  it  one  of 
the  pleasures  of  life  to  pinch  down  the  corners 
^ of  a card,  the  following  rules  may  be  of  value: 
The  right-hand  corner  turned  down  denotes  a 
call  in  person.  The  left-hand  lower  corner,  sim- 
ilarly mutilated,  congratulation.  The  left-hand 
lower  corner,  condolence. 

Letters  of  introduction  are  not  now  so  fre- 
quently used  as  formerly,  the  acquaintance  to  be 
formed  between  strangers  being  arranged  by 
card.  The  person  introducing  writes  upon  the 
upper  half  at  the  left-hand  corner  of  his  or  her 
own  visiting  card: 

Introducing 

Mrs.  Carlos  Dash. 

This  card,  with  that  of  the  lady  introduced,  is 
enclosed  in  an  envelope,  and  either  sent  by  post 
or  messenger.  The  lady  receiving  the  two  cards 
must  call  in  person,  or  if  this  be  impossible  some 
member  of  her  family  must  call,  or  a letter  be 
sent  to  explain  the  omission.  A card  of  intro- 
duction requires  especial  and  immediate  atten- 
tion. When  a lady  announces  upon  her  card 
that  she  is  at  home  upon  a certain  day  in  the 
week  to  receive  her  friends,  it  is  more  consider- 
ate on  their  part  to  call  upon  that  day  than  at 
other  times.  Among  intimate  friends  this  strict 


i6  THE  USAGES  OF 

regard  is  not  paid  to  times  and  seasons;  it  would 
indeed  be  distressing  if  informal  calls  were  not 
allowable,  if  one  could  not  run  in  of  a morning 
in  plain  walking  costume  and  indulge  in  a little 
gossip,  if  it  be  not  ^^of  unkind  intent/’ 

Formal  calls  are  made  by  ladies  between  three 
and  five  o’clock  in  the  afternoon,  half-past  two 
and  six  being  the  earliest  and  latest  allowable 
hours.  The  lady  calling  does  not  give  her  visit- 
ing card  to  the  servant  if  the  mistress  of  the 
house  is  at  home.  On  leaving  the  house  she 
leaves  two  of  her  husband’s  cards  on  the  hall 
table,  one  card  for  the  master  and  one  for  the 
mistress  of  the  house.  Having  seen  the  lady 
she  would  not  leave  one  of  her  own  cards.  If 
the  person  called  upon  is  not  at  home,  three 
cards  are  left;  one  of  her  own  and  two  of  her 
husband’s,  unless  their  names  are  engraved  on 
one  card,  in  which  case  only  one  of  the  gentle- 
man’s is  left.  A lady  leaves  a card  for  a lady 
only,  while  a gentleman  leaves  for  both  the  lady 
and  gentleman.  Cards  are  left  for  the  daugh^ 
ters  of  the  family.  If  there  are  sons  a lady 
would  not  leave  her-card  but  her  husband’s  card 
or  cards  for  them.  If  the  lady  and  gentleman 
call  and  the  mistress  is  at  home,  the  gentleman 
leaves  a card  for  the  master  of  the  house;  but  if 
both  are  at  home,  no  cards  are  left.  Etiquette 
now  graciously  permits  a card  to  answer  the  per- 
pose  of  a call  between  persons  moving  in  the 
same  circle  who  wish  to  be  on  very  ceremonious 
terms. 

A card  must  be  returned  by  a card,  a call  by  a 
call.  After  cards  have  been  left  once  in  the  sea^ 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY,  t7 

son,  they  need  not  be  left  again,  except  after  an 
entertainment,  when  the  cards  of  all  who  have 
been  invited  must  be  left  the  day  after  or  within 
the  week,  upon  both  host  and  hostess,  and  also 
for  any  one  for  whom  the  entertainment  may  have 
been  given.  It  is  almost  more  essential  to  leave 
cards  when  obliged  to  refuse  an  invitation  than 
after  having  enjoyed  the  hospitality  of  friends. 
Provided  an  invitation  is  necessarily  declined 
after  having  been  accepted,  cards  are  sent  by 
messenger  the  same  evening,  followed  by  an  ex- 
planatory note  the  following  day.  Ladies  do 
not  stay  at  home  after  an  entertainment  to  re- 
ceive calls  unless  they  have  issued  cards  for  a 
day.  The  best  plan  is  for  a lady  to  include  with 
her  invitation  a card  informing  her  friends  when 
she  will  be  at  home  to  receive  them 

If  a young  lady  calls  unaccompanied  by  her 
mother,  she  leaves  her  mother’s  card,  on  which 
her  own  name  is  also  engraved,  and  draws  a pen- 
cil through  her  mother’s  name.  When  a son  has 
entered  society,  his  mother  leaves  his  card  with 
her  husband’s  and  her  own,  which  is  an  intima- 
tion that  it  is  expected  he  will  be  included  in  fut- 
ure invitations,  and  after  one  invitation  has  been 
received  from  a lady  by  the  young  man,  he  can 
then  undertake  the  management  of  his  own  so- 
cial affairs,  by  making  his  party  calls  and  leaving 
cards.  It  is  correct  for  strangers  in  town  to 
send  cards  by  post  to  those  friends  whom  they 
wish  to  acquaint  with  their  presence  in  town. 
This  rule,  however,  hardly  applies  to  a country 
village,  wheie  a lady,  in  common  with  the  entire 
community,  knows  when  a friend  has  arrived  and 


i8  THE  USAGES  OF 

hastens  to  call.  When  a lady  chan^^s  her  resi- 
dence, she  must  leave  her  card  upon  those  to 
whom  she  is  indebted  for  a visit;  to  other  friends 
she  may  send  her  card  by  post.  When  leaving 
town  for  the  summer,  or  for  a trip  abroad,  cards 
with  P.  P.  C.  written  in  one  corner  are  sent  by 
post  or  messenger. 

Upon  again  returning  to  town,  cards  are 
sent  out  with  or  without  an  ‘U\t  home  day  up- 
on them.  To  leave  a card  at  the  house  of  a 
friend,  after  a private  wedding  or  the  formal  an- 
nouncement of  an  engagement,  is  a recognition 
of  the  felicitous  event,  but  it  is  not  strictly  de- 
manded of  etiquette.  After  a death  in  the  fam- 
ily of  a friend,  it  is  becoming  more  and  more  the 
custom  to  leave  cards  at  the  door  as  an  express- 
ion of  sympathy.  Only  an  intimate  friendship 
allows  one  to  send  a note  of  condolence.  This 
card  requires  no  acknowledgment.  Cards  of  in- 
vitation and  reply  may  go  by  post,  but  those  of 
congratulation  or  condolence  must  be  left  in  per- 
son or  sent  by  special  messenger,  as  a more  defi- 
nite recognition  of  the  grave  event.  This  act  is 
one  of  gentle  kindliness  and  demands  no  ac- 
knowledgment whatever.  It  is  compelled  by  too 
delicate  a sentiment  for  the  sympathizer  to  de- 
sire a reply. 

It  is  a gracious  courtesy  to  send  cards  of  in- 
quiry to  acquaintances  during  their  illness.  On 
the  visiting  card  above  the  printed  name  is  writ- 
ten To  inquireT  This  little  civility  is  acknowl- 
edged by  a card  with  ^'‘Return  thanks  for  kind 
inquiries^  also  written  above  the  printed  name. 
When  persons  who  have  been  in  mourning,  again 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


19 


feel  equal  to  receiving  visitors,  they  leave  their 
cards  on  their  friends,  as  an  intimation  that  they 
are  prepared  to  receive  and  make  calls.  Cards 
returning  thanks  must  be  sent  to  all  who  have 
called  or  sent  cards  of  inquiry. 

If  a gentleman  is  invited  by  a lady  to  call,  he 
is  bound  to  do  so  in  person  and  soon,  and  after 
an  invitation,  he  must  call  or  leave  his  card.  If 
he  scorn  this  formality,  he  must  not  be  aston- 
ished if  society  henceforth  regards  him  as  a sav- 
age, and  treats  him  accordingly.  If  invited  by 
a recent  acquaintance,  cards  for  both  host  and 
hostess  must  be  left  the  day  following  the  en- 
tertainment. If  invited  by  a friend,  cards  may 
be  left  within  the  week,  but  the  earlier  the  cards 
are  left  the  better.  If  a bachelor  acquaintance 
gives  an  entertainment,  the  same  rule  applies  as 
to  card  leaving. 

A gentleman  may  not  leave  a card  for  a young 
lady  to  whom  he  has  been  introduced,  unless  her 
mother  or  chaperon  invites  him  to  do  so.  For  a 
gentleman  to  ask  if  he  may  have  the  pleasure  of 
calling,  shows  that  he  is  ignorant  of  the  best  so- 
cial usages.  A gentleman  never  makes  a formal 
call  without  asking  to  see  all  the  members  of 
the  family.  He  sends  in  or  leaves  his  card  for 
each  individual. 

If  heis  calling  upon  a young  lady  who  isa  guests 
of  those  with  whom  he  has  no  acquaintance,  he 
must  ask  to  see  her  hostess  at  the  same  time  and 
also  send  her  his  card.  This  hostess  of  his  friend 
may  decline  interrupting  his  call  with  her  pres- 
ence, but  it  is  considered  hospitable  for  her  to 
enter  the  room  before  his  visit  terminates,  to  as- 


THE  [/SAGES  OF 


to 

sure  him  that  her  guest’s  friends  are  welcome  at 
her  house.  If  a gentleman  is  able  to  command 
leisure,  he  calls  at  the  strictly  conventional  time, 
between  three  and  five  o’clock;  but  if  he  cannot 
command  the  hours  of  the  day,  he  calls  between 
half-past  eight  and  nine  o’clock  in  the  evening. 
Whefi  making  evening  calls,  gentlemen  should 
appear  in  full  dress. 

A gentleman  does  not  turn  down  the  corners 
of  his  card,  indeed  that  fashion  has  become  al- 
most obsolete,  except  perhaps  when  a lady 
wishes  it  distinctly  understood  that  she  has  call- 
ed in  person.  The  plainer  the  card  the  better. 

If  a gentleman  receives  an  invitation  to  dinner 
or  to  a ball  from  a stranger,  he  is  bound  to  send 
an  immediate  answer,  call  the  very  next  day, 
leave  his  card,  and  then  to  call  after  the  enter- 
tainment. 

A lady  should  not  take  a gentleman’s  hat  and 
coat  when  he  calls;  he  must  take  care  of  them 
himself. 

If  a lady  is  not  sure  that  she  is  known  by  name 
to  her  hostess,  she  should  not  fail  to  pronounce 
her  own  name. 

A young  lady  should  introduce  herself  as 
Miss  Brown,”  never  without  the  Miss.” 

Nothing  is  more  vulgar  than  that  a caller 
should  ask  the  servant  where  her  mistress  is,  when 
she  went  out,  when  she  will  be  in,  how  soon  she 
will  be  down,  etc.  All  that  a well-trained  serv- 
and  should  say  to  such  questions  is: 

I do  not  know,  madam.” 

Regarding  the  length  of  a call  it  is  better  to 
stay  too  short  than  too  long  a time  in  a friend’s 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


house.  There  are  some  guests  who  never  know 
when  the  proper  moment  has  arrived  for  them 
to  take  their  departure. 

This  evident  inability  to  get  away,  when  a vis- 
itor has  made  a sufficiently  long  call  makes  the 
hostess,  as  well  as  the  guest,  very  uncomfortable. 
To  many  callers,  the  thought  that  they  must,  in 
ten  minutes  time  or  so,  rise  up  and  take  their 
leave  is  a dreadful  bugbear.  The  thought  that 
he  must  soon  leave  weighs  down  his  conversa- 
tion; he  cannot  venture  upon  any  wider  subject 
than  the  weather,  for  fear  of  missing  an  oppor- 
tunity to  depart,  and  his  uneasiness  communi- 
cates itself  to  his  hostess  who  does  all  in  her 
power  to  give  him  the  occasion  he  requires. 
But  when  the  time  comes  that  the  visit  may  be 
naturally  concluded  he  cannot  make  up  his  mind 
to  go;  he  feels  as  if  something  had  been  unsatis- 
factory, and  he  dashes  recklessly  into  a fresh 
subject  in  the  hope  of  leaving  a better  impress- 
ion. 

Such  visits  are  misery  to  both  parties.  The 
most  equably-minded  hostess  may  well  lose  her 
self-possession  as  she  sees  the  ill-concealed  anxi- 
ety of  her  vis-a-vis^  the  longing  looks  toward  the 
door,  the  wavering  attention  and  random 
answers.  Perhaps  in  such  an  emergency  it 
would  be  a real  act  of  kindness  to  seize  the  hes- 
itating guest  by  the  hand  and  say  warmly  “Well, 
good-by,  I am  very  sorry  you  must  go,’’  etc.,  etc., 
meanwhile  piloting  the  guest  toward  the  door 
and  leaving  him  very  little  else  to  do  but  to  go 
out  of  it.  If  the  old  quotation,  “ Welcome  the 


22 


THE  USAGES  OP 


coming,  speed  the  parting  guest/'  were  more  lit- 
erally acted  upon,  there  would  be  much  less  dif- 
ficulty about  and  dislike  of  paying  calls. 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


23 


CHAPTER  III. 

STRANGERS  AND  NEW-COMERS. 

Ought  We  to  Visit  Her?”  was  the  title  of 
one  of  Mrs.  Edwards’  best  novels;  but  this  ques- 
tion was  put  by  the  county  in  reference  to  the 
antecedents  of  the  heroine;  and  the  same  doubt- 
ful query  is  sometimes  expressed  with  regard  to 
the  actual  social  position  of  ladies  who  have  no 
pretensions  to  be  considered  heroines,  and  whose 
husbands  bear  little  resemblance  to  heroes. 

The  question  of  knowing  and  not  knowing 
people,  of  calling  and  not  calling  on  them,  in  re- 
ality refers  only  to  country  society. 

Any  one  acquainted  with  country  society  does 
not  require  to  be  told  that  the  question,  ought 
we  to  call,”  is  one  that  is  very  easily  set  at  rest, 
and  is  by  no  means  the  bugbear  or  nightmare 
that  some  suppose  it  to  be,  neither  are  the  new 
residents  in  a town  victims  of  despair  and  mel- 
ancholly,  through  not  being  called  upon. 

There  are,  as  every  one  is  aware,  two  distinct 
classes  of  new-comers  in  a neighborhood,  and 
this  makes  all  the  difference  as  regards  the  treat- 
ment they  receive  at  the  hands  of  the  inhabi- 
tants, and  if  their  feelings  render  it. 

Let  us  take  for  instance,  those  who  merely 
rent  a place  in  the  country  for  the  summer 


24 


THE  USAGES  OF 


months.  It  may  be  that  these  temporary  sojour- 
ners in  the  land  desire  to  enter  society  or  it  may 
be  that  they  are  quite  satisfied  with  the  society 
of  the  friends  invited  by  them  to  enjoy  a little 
country  air,  and  who  arrive  in  constant  success- 
ion during  their  term  of  occupation. 

These  families  who  come  into  the  country,  for 
the  brief  period  before  mentioned,  may  leave  it 
knowing  as  little  of  the  inhabitants  as  on  their 
first  arrival.  On  the  other  hand,  they  sometimes 
make  several  acquaintances  in  the  immediate 
neighborhood. 

It  is  a mistake  to  suppose  that  the  people  of  a 
town  hold  aloof  from  new-comers  on  account  of 
pride,  prejudice,  hauteur,  arrogance  and  every 
other  quality  expressive  of  aristocratic  exclusive- 
ness; on  the  contrary,  the  ideas  conveyed  by 
these  expressions  have  often  very  little  to  do  with 
the  matter.  There  is  a fear  that  their  visits  may 
be  taken  as  an  intrusion,  and  a call  would  be  as 
unwelcome  to  one,  as  embarrassing  to  the  other. 

To  turn  from  summer  neighbors,  as  they  may 
be  termed,  to  new  residents,  the  aspects  of  af- 
fairs in  this  latter  case,  bears  a different  complex- 
ion. A new  resident  either  takes  a place  for  a 
term  of  years  or  better  still,  buys  one,  in  either 
case,  his  advent  is  interesting.  He  may  prove  a 
very  pleasant  neighbor  or  the  reverse.  This  is  a 
matter  worth  investigation. 

In  some  towns,  the  event  is  of  more  impor- 
tance than  in  others;  it  of  course  depends  on  the 
strength  of  the  neighborhood.  If  it  is  a good 
one,  one  neighbor,  more  or  less,  is  of  little  mo- 
ment, but  if  it  is  a poor  one,  the  advent  of  a new 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


25 


neighbor  gives  rise  to  pleasant  speculations 
among  the  ladies,  and  they  call  as  a matter  of 
course,  the  calls  are  returned,  and  the  family  of 
the  new  neighbor  is  in  due  time  initiated  into 
the  society  of  the  place. 

This  is  taken  for  granted,  that  the  new  neigh- 
bor is  neither  too  old  nor  too  great  an  invalid  to 
care  for  society.  Should  she  be  either  of  these, 
the  fact  becomes  known,  and  the  calling  is  con- 
sequently the  reverse  of  brisk,  for  fear  of  intru- 
sion on  the  quiet  and  privacy  often  preferred. 

In  these  days,  people  who  have  any  social  qual- 
ities to  recommend  them,  apart  from  their  wealth 
or  perhaps  joined  with  it,  usually  makes  their 
way,  sooner  or  later,  in  some  cases,  it  is  later, 
rather  than  sooner,  but  it  generally  follows  that 
those  who  have  stood  aloof  longest,  succumb  at 
last  to  the  general  verdict  in  their  favor,  and 
when  the  contrary  is  the  case,  and  the  residents 
continue  to  hold  aloof,  it  may  be  salely  surmised 
that  the  residents  are  right  after  all. 

The  first  call  must  be  returned  within  three  or 
four  days.  If  the  new-comers  do  not  wish  to 
form  an  acquaintance,  they  would  return  the 
calls  by  leaving  cards  only.  If  the  resident  does 
not  care  to  continue  the  acquaintance,  after  the 
first  meeting,  it  will  be  discontinued  by  not  leav- 
ing cards,  or  by  not  calling  again.  If  strangers 
who  have  come  to  reside  with  us,  or  even  to  visit 
our  locality,  bear  credentials  of  respectability, 
courteous  and  hospitable  residents  should  call 
on  them,  after  sufficient  time  has  elapsed  for  the 
recently  arrived  to  have  adjusted  themselves  to 
their  new  positions. 


26 


THE  USAGES  OF 


No  introduction  is  necessary  is  such  a case.  A 
lady  calls  between  three  and  five  o’clock,  and  if 
she  finds  the  strangers  disengaged,  a brief  and 
cordial  interview  ends  the  first  visit.  This,  as 
has  been  said,  must  be  returned  within  three  or 
four  days,  or  a week  at  the  longest,  or  a note  of 
apology  and  explanation  for  the  omission  is  sent, 
and  the  return  visit  is  then  paid  later  on. 

A gentleman  should  not  make  a first  call  upon 
the  ladies  of  the  family  of  a new-comer  without 
an  introduction  or  an  invitation.  A lady  friend, 
or  kinswoman  may  leave  his  card,  and  she  may 
receive  an  invitation,  verbal  or  written,  to  make 
the  new  acquaintance.  Under  such  circumstan- 
ces, the  usual  formality  of  introduction  may 
be  made  by  his  second  visiting  card,  which 
he  will  send  in  to  announce  himself  at  the  time 
of  his  call,  provided  he  pays  his  respects  to  the 
new  household  unaccompanied  by  a common 
friend.  The  sending  of  his  card  to  the  strangers 
was  an  unmistakable  request  to  make  their  ac- 
quaintance. If  his  visits  be  undesirable,  the  way 
is  opened  for  an  easy  method  of  declining  them. 
His  card  must  not  be  noticed.  This  refusal  of 
friendliness  is  far  less  awkward  and  unpleasant 
for  both  parties,  than  to  ask  permission  verbally 
to  become  a visitor  and  be  verbally  rejected. 
Sometimes  there  are  unfortunate  family  compli- 
cations or  conditions  which  compel  a refusal  of 
gentleman’s  society,  but  which  are  explainable. 

A stranger  can  make  no  overtures  for  acquaint- 
anceship to  older  residents,  but  as  frequently  hap- 
pens in  larger  towns,  two  people  may  have  de- 
sired each  other’s  society  for  a long  time,  but  the 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


2^ 


formalities  of  an  introduction  have  been  beyond 
easy  reach.  They  meet  at  the  house  of  a friend, 
and  conversation,  either  with  or  without  present- 
ation, often  leads  to  a wish  for  further  inter- 
course. This  desire  is  expressed,  and  a mutual 
interchange  of  kindly  interest  and  addresses 
takes  place.  The  question  then  arrises,  ‘^Who 
shall  pay  the  first  visit  ?”  This  is  one  of  those 
matters  which  settle  themselves.  Mutual  liking 
and  sincere  expressions  of  regard  prepare  the 
way  for  either  one  to  make  the  initiative  call.  If 
one  lady  be  the  younger  by  many  years,  she 
should  call  first.  This  etiquette  is  based  upon  the 
supposition  that  the  elder  lady  belongs  to  a lar- 
ger circle  of  friends  and  has  more  pressing  social 
duties  than  the  younger  one.  If  the  two  are 
equal  in  age  and  position,  the  one  whose  recep- 
tion dav  arrives  earliest  should  receive  the  first 
call. 


28 


THE  USAGES  OF 


CHAPTER  IV. 

ENGAGEMENTS  AND  WEDDINGS. 

The  gentleman  presents  the  lady  with  a ring 
as  soon  as  they  are  engaged.  Almost  any  style 
of  ring  may  properly  be  used  as  the  symbol  of 
betrothal,  but  those  who  wish  to  conform  to  the 
ordinary  usage,  select  either  pearls  or  diamonds. 
If  the  person  can  say  with  Lothair  that  ^dhere  is 
a reserve  about  pearls  that  I like,  something  soft 
and  dim/'  he  chooses  a single-stone  pearl  ring;  if 
he  looks  beyond  that,  a solitaire  diamond,  al- 
though three-stone  rings  are  very  often  used.  A 
tasteful  ring  is  one  set  with  a pearl  in  the  center, 
and  a small  diamond  on  either  side.  The  setting 
should  be  of  a very  simple  style,  but  good.  A 
newer  style  for  an  engagement  ring  is  a ruby 
and  a diamond,  or  a sapphire  and  a diamond,  set 
at  right  angles  or  diagonally.  The  Germans 
have  a poetic  formality  about  an  engagement 
ring,  which  is  likely  to  become  a general  custom. 
A plain  gold  circlet,  inscribed  within  with  the 
date  and  some  such  tender  sentiment  as  ^‘This 
and  the  giver  are  thine  forever,"  is  given  at  the 
time  of  betrothal,  and  the  same  ring  is  used  to 
complete  the  marriage  ceremony;  the  groom  re- 
moving it  at  the  altar  and  passing  it  to  the  clergy- 
man. As  soon  after  the  service  as  is  convenient, 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


29 


a jeweled  ring  is  added  to  guard  the  one  which 
is  honored  as  the  wedding  ring. 

There  is  no  prescribed  form  for  the  announce- 
ment of  an  engagement,  although  a writer  on 
the  social  etiquette  of  New  York  says:  ‘‘The  socie- 
ty newspapers  are  expected  to  gazette  the  engage- 
ment very  soon  after  it  is  made  known  to  kins- 
people  and  intimate  friends.  Acquaintances  are 
thus  informed  of  the  new  relation,  and  the  proper 
felicitation  are  expressed  in  the  usual  manner. 
The  propriety  of  adopting  this  method  of  com- 
munication with  society  at  large  is  approved  by 
our  highest  authorities  in  polite  affairs.” 

This  sounds  very  well,  but  the  young  lady  of 
delicate  sentiments  would  shrink  from  this  meth- 
od of  communication,  and  prefer  to  make  known 
the  engagement  to  friends  alone,  in  some  pleas- 
ant manner.  A dinner-party  may  be  given  by 
the  family  of  the  bride-elect;  just  before  rising 
from  the  feast,  the  host  announces  the  engage- 
ment, when  a general  outburst  of  good  fealings 
and  congratulation  follows,  or  the  engagament 
may  be  made  known  by  note  from  the  mother 
of  the  bride-elect  or  by  the  lady  herself  to  inti- 
mate friends.  Notes  and  calls  of  congratulation 
immediately  follow.  If  the  families  of  the  be- 
trothed have  been  previously  strangers,  it  is  for 
the  gentleman’s  family  to  call  first.  It  is  very  civil 
and  proper  for  friends  who  entertain  generously 
to  show  the  engaged  couple  some  attention  in 
the  shape  (T  a dinner  or  a dancing-party  given 
especially  for  then.  The  young  lady  does  not 
make  ceremonious  calls  after  the  announcement 
of  her  engagement,  which  is  usually  made  but 


30 


THE  USAGES  OF 


short  time  before  the  date  fixed  for  her  mar^ 
riage. 

It  is  the  exclusive  privilege  of  the  mother  to 
name  the  wedding  day  for  her  daughter. 

It  is  strictly  demanded  by  etiquette  that  the 
bride-elect  leave  her  visiting  card  in  person  at 
the  doors  of  her  friend’s  residence  a few  days  be- 
fore sending  out  her  wedding  invitation,  but  she 
does  not  enter,  except  it  be  to  visit  an  invalid  or 
an  aged  friend.  These  ceremonious  calls  before 
marriage  must  not  be  omitted. 

After  the  invitations  are  issued,  the  young  lady 
does  not  appear  in  public.  Her  wedding  cards 
are  sent  out  at  least  two  weeks  before  the  cere- 
mony is  to  take  place.  Invitations  to  friends 
residing  at  a distance  are  forwarded  somewhat 
earlier. 

The  invitations  are  not  answered  save  by  a card 
enclosed  in  an  envelope  and  sent  by  mail,  unless 
the  ceremony  occur  in  the  morning  and  the  guests 
are  requested  to  attend  the  breakfast,  then  the 
answer  should  be  explicit  as  for  a dinner.  It 
must  be  a very  urgent  reason,  indeed,  that  leads 
one  to  decline  an  invitation  to  a wedding,  the 
summons  being  considered  but  a shade  less  im- 
portant in  England  than  one  from  royalty  itself. 
The  invitations  are  issued  in  the  name  of  the 
bride’s  parents,  parent,  or  nearest  relative.  If  the 
bride  stand  in  the  relationship  of  granddaughter, 
niece,  cousin,  or  simple  friend  to  the  persons  or 
person  issuing  the  invitation,  this  is  noted  in  the 
formula  in  place  of  the  word  ^‘daughter.”  A 
wedding  invitation,  as  well  as  all  others,  should 
be  engraved  in  script.  Fashion  having  long  ago 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


31 


decreed  that  Old  English  and  German  text, 
although  perfectly  harmless  and  respectable,  have 
no  longer  any  claims  worthy  of  recognition  by  an 
aristocratic  world. 

The  invitation  is  engraved  on  one  sheet  of 
paper,  which  must  be  of  creamy  daintiness,  and 
shaped  so  as  to  fold  once.  If  cipher,  monogram 
or  crest  is  used  upon  the  paper,  it  should  not  be 
in  color  for  weddings;  the  center  of  the  top  of  the 
page  is  the  place  for  it.  The  fashionable  world, 
at  present,  often  has  the  cipher  or  monogram 
upon  the  envelope,  omitting  it  from  the  note,  but 
if  it  appear  on  the  note,  it  must  also  be  used  on 
the  envelope;  the  quality  and  tint  of  the  invita- 
tions, envelopes  and  reception  cards  enclosed, 
should  be  the  same,  and  not  each  possess  a hue 
of  its  own. 

The  following  is  the  proper  formula  : 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Diedrich  Knickerbocker 
request  your  presence 
at  the  marriage  of  their  daughter ^ 

Caroline  Matilda^ 
to 

Mr.  Wouter  Van  Twiller., 
on  Wednesday.^  October  seventeenth^ 
at  three  o'  clock. 

Grace  Church., 

Broadway  and  Tenth  Street. 


32 


THE  USAGES  OF 


If  you  are  bidden  to  the  reception,  a card  enclos- 
ed conveys  the  intelligence.  This  card  should 
be  square,  the  size  of  the  invitation  note  paper 
once  folded. 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Diedrich  Knickerbocker 
At  Home.^ 

Wednesday.^  October  seventeenth.^ 
from  half  past  three  until  six  d clock. 

32  West  \(^\st  Street. 

Another  less  elaborate  style  is  the  following: 

Reception 

from  half  past  three  until  six  o'clock. 

32  West  \^\st  Street. 


Generally,  only  half  an  hour  intervenes  between 
the  ceremony  and  the  reception. 

The  admission  card  (to  the  church),  a less 
romantic  than  practical  affair,  can  happily  be 
dispensed  with  in  a rural  town,  but  it  is  an  abso- 
ute  necessity  in  cities,  where  the  church  would 
otherwise  be  filled  with  sight-seeing  strangers. 

The  card  of  admission  should  be  long  and 
narrow,  and  engraved  with  either  of  the  two 
following  forms: 

Grace  Church. 

Ceremony  at  three  d clock. 
or, 

Grace  Church. 


Please  present  this  to  the  usher. 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


33 


One  or  more  of  these  cards  is  enclosed.  They 
are  intended  for  distribution  to  personal  friends 
of  the  invited,  and  also  for  the  use  of  servants 
who  may  accompany  guests  to  the  church. 
These  cards,  with  the  note  of  invitation  and  the 
reception  card,  are  enclosed  in  the  same  envel- 
ope, superscribed  with  Xh^name  only  of  the  person 
invited,  then  put  in  another  envelope,  on  which 
is  written  the  full  name  and  address,  and  sent  by 
mail. 

For  weddings  at  home,  the  form  of  invitation 
is  the  same  as  for  one  at  church,  with  the  single 
exception  of  the  street  and  number  being  sub- 
stituted for  the  name  of  the  church. 

A church  wedding  is  a beautiful  affair,  and  also 
a complicated  one,  as  the  almost  countless  details 
testify.  The  bridesmaids,  from  two  to  eight  in 
number,  are  chosen  from  among  the  intimate 
friends  of  the  young  lady  about  to  be  married. 
The  bride’s  sisters  and  those  of  the  bridegroom, 
when  it  is  possible,  are  usually  invited  to  act  as 
witnesses  of  the  marriage,  for  that  is  the  theoreti- 
cal use  of  bridesmaids.  The  dresses  for  the 
occasion  are  given  to  them  by  the  bride,  if  their 
circumstances  are  such  as  to  make  it  necessary, 
but  not  otherwise.  When  the  bride  is  young,  the 
maids  should  be  young,  but  it  is  not  wise  for  a 
single  woman  of  uncertain  age  to  surround  her- 
self with  blooming  girls. 

Upon  her  wedding  day,  it  is  customary  for  the 
young  lady  to  present  some  souvenir  of  the  occa- 
sion to  each  of  her  bridesmaids;  the  gift  may  be 
either  a ring,  or  bracelet,  or  a fan,  but  it  need 
not  be  costly.  The  bouquets  of  the  maids  and 


34 


THE  USAGES  OE 


the  boutonnieres  of  the  ushers  are  also  the  gift  of 
the  bride. 

A scarf-pin  of  unique  or  quaint  device,  or  some 
other  article,  useful  as  well  as  ornamental,  is 
given  to  each  of  the  ushers,  by  the  bridegroom, 
as  a slight  acknowledgment  of  their  services. 

The  groom  chooses  the  ushers  from  his  circle 
of  relatives  and  friends;  he  also  selects  a single 
friend,  whom  he  calls  by  the  English  title  his 
“ best  man,”  and  to  him  is  intrusted  the  arrange- 
ments of  the  various  social  and  business  formali- 
ties of  the  wedding. 

No  one  ever  loses  interest  in  the  “ divinity 
which  doth  hedge”  a bride,  and  the  typical 
marriage  toilet  is  always  expected  to  be  one  of 
irreproachable  taste  and  elegance.  During  the 
last  two  years  a great  effort  has  been  made  by 
leading  modistes  to  break  in  upon  the  ^Tegulation” 
character  of  wedding  dresses  and  to  some  extent 
the  attempt  has  been  successful.  The  orange 
blossoms,  formally  an  inseparable  part  of  the 
bridal  gear,  are  no  longer  considered  an  absolute 
necessity,  although  most  brides  prefer  them  for 
the  wreath;  and  combine  them  with  white  heath 
and  lilies  of  the  valley;  the  bouquet,  which  seems 
rather  an  awkward  addition,  should  be  of  the 
same  kind  of  flowers  as  those  used  for  wreath,  or 
white  lilies  and  roses  may  be  used.  Persian  lilies, 
jasmines,  snow-drops,  water-lilies,  and  even  white 
hyacinths  are  used  to  decorate  bridal  toilettes, 
although  the  latter  is  considered  an  unlucky 
flower  not  to  be  worn  defiantly  before  the  fates. 
As  to  fabrics,  cream  white  satin  is  the  invariable 
choice  of  brides  who  respect  tradition,  and  have 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


35 


rare  laces  worn  by  ancestral  dames.  Brides 
adhere  to  white  suede  gloves  of  extravagant 
length  for  the  wedding  occasion.  When  a col- 
ored costume  is  worn,  the  gloves  are  of  some 
harmonious  shade,  or  she  can  if  she  choses,  go  to 
the  altar  with  uncovered  hand:: — fashion  favors 
this,  although  it  is  entirely  a matter  of  taste. 

No  jewelry  of  any  description  should  be  worn 
for  when  a young  lady  goes  up  to  the  altar,  she 
is,  as  the  French  say,  encore  jeune  fille.  If,  how 
ever,  the  groom’s  wedding  gift  be  something  in 
diamonds,  the  bride  cannot  very  well  do  other- 
wise than  wear  the  ornament,  which  may  possibly 
be  a crescent  for  the  neck  and  diamond  stars  to 
fasten  the  veil.  When  there  is  any  display  of 
jewels,  the  marriage  veil  of  simple  tulle  is  scorn- 
ed, and  for  it  is  substituted  one  of  rich  point  de 
Venise  lace. 

The  dresses  of  bridesmaids  are  not  as  elaborate 
as  that  of  the  bride.  They  may  be  white  or  of 
delicate  colors,  and  are  made  with  trains. 

Fans  and  baskets  of  flowers  are  preferred  to 
bouquets  for  bridesmaids.  When  a bouquet  is 
carried,  it  is  attached  to  a chatelaine  or  bridle  of 
satin  ribbon  at  the  left  side.  Veils  may  or  may 
not  be  worn,  but  if  used  they  must  be  shorter 
than  that  of  the  bride.  It  is  not  uncommon  at 
present  for  the  ladies  of  bridal  parties  to  copy  an 
historical  picture  by  their  garments  and  coiffures. 

If  the  wedding  is  by  day,  the  bridegroom  and 
ushers  wear  full  morning  dress,  which  consists  of 
a frock  coat  of  dark  cloth,  vest  of  the  same,  tight 
trousers  and  a light  necktie;  white  neckties  are 
not  worn  with  frock  coats.  If  the  wedding  is  in 


36 


THE  USAGES  OF 


the  evening,  full  dress  is  demanded  of  the  groom, 
and  of  all  the  gentlemen  in  attendance.  The 
groom  must  wear  gloves  of  some  light  shade : 
The  ushers  wear  gloves  of  some  delicate  color. 
All  the  gentlemen  wear  favors,  except  the  groom. 
He  always  wears  only  a flower.  Favors  should 
be  made  of  white  ribbon  and  silver  leaves. 

For  the  occasion  the  church  is  decorated  with 
rare  plants  and  flowers. 

A large  canopy  of  flowers  may  occupy  the 
space  between  the  pews  and  the  chancel  steps, 
and  a bell  of  white  flowers  be  suspended  above 
the  chancel.  Within  this  bell  a peal  of  silver 
sounding  metallic  bells  may  be  secreted,  and  as 
the  bridal  party  approach  the  altar,  silken  cords 
held  by  some  little  maiden  setthe  peals  in  mo- 
tion, simultaneously  with  the  organ  notes.  The 
kneeling  stool  covered  with  white  should  be 
looked  at  and  properly  adjusted  by  one  of  the 
ushers,  who  has  been  selected  to  act  as  master  of 
the  ceremonies.  He  is  early  at  the  church  and 
having  been  made  acquainted  with  the  number 
of  guests  expected  to  be  present  he  places  the 
ribbon  or  arch  of  flowers  far  enough  back  from 
the  altar  to  give  ample  room  for  every  invited 
guest,  or  either  for  the  relatives  of  the  bridal 
pair,  other  guests  occupying  the  lower  part  of 
the  church.  If  any  friends  are  in  mourning  they 
usually  enter  the  church  quietly  and  hide  them- 
selves in  some  obscure  nook.  No  one  should  at- 
tend a wedding  reception  in  a mourning  dress, 
which  gives  place  to  gray  or  lavender  with  a 
flower  on  the  corsage,  otherwise  the  person  had 
better  stop  at  home  and  not  cast  a shade  of 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


37 


gloom  over  the  festival.  The  ushers  stand  by 
the  inner  entrance  to  the  church,  to  be  in  readi- 
ness to  escort  ladies  to  their  proper  seats.  If  a 
lady  be  accompanied  by  a gentleman  he  follows 
her  to  her  seat.  The  usher  offers  a lady  his  right 
arm,  and  if  unacquainted  with  her,  asks  if  she  is 
a friend  of  the  bride  or  groom,  the  bride’s  friends 
being  seated  upon  the  left  of  the  main  aisle,  and 
the  groom’s  upon  the  right.  After  the  service  the 
ushers  act  as  cavaliers  of  the  bridesmaids,  at  the 
reception.  The  organist  should  be  early  in  his 
place  as  he  is  expected  to  play  during  the  arrival 
of  the  audience.  The  bridesmaids  and  other 
members  of  the  family  set  off  first  in  carriages. 
The  bride,  who  meets  the  groom  at  the  altar  for 
the  first  time  that  day,  goes  last  with  her  mother 
and  father. 

The  groom  with  the  best  man,  ought  to  be 
waiting  in  the  church.  When  the  bride  and  her 
attendants  have  arranged  themselves  in  the  vesti- 
bule, the  groom  with  the  best  man  comes  from 
the  vestry  and  watches  for  the  coming  of  his 
bride,  the  organ  meanwhile  playing  some  melody 
chosen  by  the  bride.  The  ushers,  who  usually 
equal  the  bridesmaids  in  number,  walk  in  pairs  in 
advance  of  the  ladies,  and  arrange  themselves  at 
the  right  of  the  two  awaiting  gentlemen. 

Sometimes  the  bridesmaids,  noiselessly  and 
demurely,  precede  the  bride,  or  they  may  follow 
her  and  always  stand  at  her  left;  if  they  enter  in 
advance,  two  or  four  little  boys,  young  brothers 
or  relatives  of  the  bride,  dressed  as  pages,  bear 
her  train,  or  carry  baskets  of  flowers  which  they 
scatter  in  her  path  as  she  leaves  the  church.  If 


3S 


THE  [/SAGES  OF 


the  maids  follow  the  bride,  she  is  sometimes 
preceded  by  two  or  four  little  girls,  who  strew 
her  path  to  the  altar  with  flowers.  Sometimes 
garlands  of  flowers,  that  have  been  somewhere 
hidden,  are  suddenly  stretched  across  the  aisle  at 
brief  intervals  by  little  maidens  who  stand  on 
the  seats  at  the  ends  of  the  pews  and  lift  their 
pretty  arms  high  in  the  air  to  swing  their  roses 
over  the  pathway  of  the  bridal  party  as  it  passes 
down  the  aisle.  The  bride  is  supported  by  her 
father  or  by  the  person  who  represents  him  and 
is  to  give  her  away.  The  groom  comes  forward  a 
few  steps  to  meet  her,  takes  her  hand  and  places 
her  at  the  altar  to  his  left.  The  father  waits  at 
her  left,  and  a step  or  two  back  of  her;  he  gives 
her  away  by  bowing  when  the  question  is  asked, 
which  is  a much  simpler  form  than  stepping 
forward  and  placing  his  daughter’s  hand  in  that 
of  the  clergyman.  The  service  then  begins.  As 
at  present,  all  churches  use  the  ring,  the  bride 
removes  the  glove  from  her  left  hand  and  gives 
it  to  a bridesmaid  to  hold,  and  sometimes  to  keep 
as  a good  omen.  While  the  bride  and  groom  are 
making  the  responses,  the  organist  plays  softly, 
and  after  the  blessing  the  clergyman  congratu- 
lates the  husband  and  wife,  who  are  the  first  to 
leave  the  church,  the  bride  taking  the  groom’s 
right  arm;  the  bridesmaids  follow,  each  escorted 
by  an  usher,  and  just  behind  the  bridal  company 
are  the  father  and  mother  of  the  bride.  Two  of 
the  ushers  usually  hurry  from  the  vestibule  to 
the  residence  of  the  bride  to  be  in  readiness  to 
receive  the  newly  wedded.  It  is  now  the  cus- 
tom to  have  a highly  illuminated  parchment 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY.  39 

certificate  signed  by  the  newly  married  pair  with 
two  or  three  witnesses,  the  best  man,  the  father 
and  mother,  and  so  on,  being  the  attesting  parties. 

The  bridal  party,  with  half  the  maids  at  the 
right  of  the  lady,  and  half  at  the  left  of  the 
groom — the  first  bridesmaid  retaining  the  place 
of  honor — arrange  themselves  for  the  usual  con- 
gratulations; the  parents  of  the  bride  stand  at  a 
little  distance  upon  her  right,  and  those  of  the 
groom  at  his  left.  As  the  guests  arrive,  the  ushers 
affer  their  right  arms  to  the  ladies  to  conduct 
them  to  the  married  pair.  The  gentlemen  attend- 
ing the  ladies  follow.  If  the  usher  is  not  acquaint- 
ed with  the  lady  he  is  escorting,  he  inquires  her 
name  on  the  way,  presenting  her  and  the  gentle- 
man to  the  bride  and  groom  and  then  to  the 
parents.  The  bride  should  always  be  addressed 
first  and  receive  the  good  wishes  of  her  friends, 
and  the  groom  the  congratulations. 

If  ladies  are  present  without  gentlemen,  an 
usher  attends  each  to  the  supper-room  or  provides 
an  escort. 

If  it  be  a morning  wedding  and  breakfast  is 
served,  the  host  sits  at  one  end  of  the  table  and 
the  hostess  at  the  other,  he  with  the  bride  at  his 
right,  she  with  the  groom  at  her  right  hand.  If 
healths  are  drunk,  the  father  proposes  the  health 
of  the  bride  and  groom,  the  bride  bows,  smiles, 
and  raises  the  glass  to  her  lips,  while  the  groom 
is  expected  to  reply. 

Wedding  cake  is  now  put  up  in  small  boxes 
and  given  to  the  guests  to  take  home. 

After  the  breakfast,  or  in  case  of  a reception, 
before  the  guests  disperse,  the  bride  and  groom 


40 


THE  USAGES  OF 


retire  to  their  dressing-rooms  quietly,  taking  no 
leave  of  any  one,  and  prepare  for  their  departure. 

They  don  their  traveling  attire  and  only  a few 
especially  invited  friends  remain  with  the  ushers 
and  bridesmaids  to  throw  rice  and  worn  slippers 
after  their  carriage.  No  one  askes  them  whither 
they  are  going,  although  it  is  no  longer  considered 
necssary  to  maintain  any  secrecy  regarding  the 
honeymoon  tour.  The  traveling  dress  of  a bride 
should  be  of  silk  or  of  some  fine  fabric  like  a 
handsome  dress  for  morning  calls,  and  the  style 
of  the  very  best.  At  private  weddings  the  bride 
is  sometimes  married  in  traveling  costume  and 
the  pair  at  once  set  out  upon  their  journey. 

If  there  has  been  no  wedding  reception  upon 
the  return  to  town  of  the  couple,  it  is  customary 
for  the  mother  of  the  bride  to  give  one  for  which 
she  sends  out  invitations  like  the  following: 


Mrs.  Diedrich  Knickerbocker., 

Mrs.  W outer  Va7i  Twiller^ 

At  Home, 

Thursday,  November  eighth, 
from  four  until  ten  d clock. 

3 1 West  I gist  Street. 

If  the  reception  is  in  the  evening,  the  form  is: 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


41 


Mr,  and  Mrs,  Diedrich  Knickerbocker 
At  Home,, 

Thursday  Evening,  November  eighth, 
from  nine  until  eleven  d clock, 

32  West  \^\st  Street, 

Enclosing  a card  of: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  W outer  Van  Twiller. 


If  the  wedding  has  been  private  or  informal, 
during  the  absence  of  the  newly  married,  the 
family  of  the  bride  sometimes  issue  an  announce- 
ment of  the  marriage  to  friends  and  acquaint- 
ances. This  is  an  intimation  that  the  marriage 
received  the  parents’  full  sanction. 

These  notes  are  engraved  in  the  following 
manner: 


Mr.  and  Mrs.  Diedrich  Knickerbocker 
Announce  the  7narriage  of  their  daughter, 
Caroline  Matilda, 
to 

Mr.  W outer  Van  Twiller, 
Thursday,  November  first,  1883. 

32  West  \c)\st  Street,  New  York. 


42 


THE  USAGES  OF 


The  recipients  of  these  cards  must,  at  once, 
ransack  their  brains  for  something  fitting  and 
complimentary,  weave  it  into  a note,  and  despatch 
it  to  the  parents  of  the  bride;  and  if  the  intimacy 
of  the  parties  warrants  it,  a note  is  also  sent  to 
the  bride.  When  a marriage  takes  place  during 
seasons  of  family  mourning,  or  of  a misfortune, 
it  is  the  custom  for  the  bridegroom  to  make  the 
announcement  of  the  marriage,  which  is  on 
square  cards,  in  form  as  follows: 


Mr.  and  Mrs.  W outer  Van  Twiller.^ 

75  Blank  Street. 

Engraved  on  a smaller  card  is  the  maiden  name 
of  the  bride,  as: 

Miss  Caroline  Knickerbocker. 

Both  cards  are  enclosed  in  double  envelopes 
and  sent  to  friends  by  mail. 

If  the  wedded  pair  commence  life  in  a house  of 
their  own,  it  is  usual  to  send  out  At  Home’' 
cards  for  a few  evenings,  soon  after  their  return 
to  the  city.  Only  such  persons  are  invited  as  the 
two  wish  to  keep  as  friends.  It  is  a capital 
opportunity  for  rearranging  one’s  social  list,  and 
as  the  custom  is  admitted  as  a necessity,  no  one 
must  be  offended.  These  reception  cards  are 
neither  large  nor  small;  a note  may  be  used  if 
preferred,  but  the  card  is  considered  less  ostenta- 
tious. The  following  is  the  correct  style: 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


43 


^r.  and  Mrs.  Wouter  Van  Twiller., 

At  Home, 

Tuesday  eve7iings  in  December^ 
from  eight  to  eleven  d clock. 

75  West  Bla^ik  Street. 

At  wedding  receptions  in  the  evening,  guests 
should  wear  full  evening  dress;  at  a morning 
reception,  a street  costume  is  worn. 

It  is  no  longer  usual  for  a bride  to  remain  at 
home  to  receive  callers,  unless,  of  course,  she  has 
an  at  home”  day.  Friends  call  and  take  the 
chance  of  finding  her  at  home.  When  there  has 
been  a reception  after  the  ceremony,  which  the 
invited  guest  has  attended,  and  has  left  a card  in 
the  card-receiver,  a subsequent  visit  may  be 
omitted.  But  if  the  invited  guest  has  been  una- 
ble to  attend  the  wedding  reception,  a call  or  a 
card  is  strictly  necessary  within  ten  days  after 
the  wedding.  No  one  must  think  of  calling  on 
the  bride  who  has  not  received  an  invitation  to 
the  ceremony  at  church,  or  cards  after  the  estab- 
lishment of  the  couple  in  their  new  home. 

For  brides  who  prefer  the  good  old  way  of 
their  grandmothers,  another  formality  for  the 
entrance  of  the  bridal  party  to  the  church  might 
be  described. 

For  a ceremony  of  this  kind,  the  bridesmaids 
^rst  pass  up  the  aisle,  each  with  a gentleman  on 
whom  to  lean  (the  groomsmen  by  name);  they 
turn  at  the  altar,  the  ladies  going  to  their  left 


44 


THE  USAGES  OF 


and  the  gentlemen  to  their  right,  and  the  groom 
follows  with  the  mother  of  the  bride.  This  lady 
he  takes  pleasure  in  seating  as  speedily  as  possi- 
ble in  a convenient  front  pew  at  his  left.  The 
bride,  with  downcast  eyes,  follows,  clinging  to 
the  arm  of  her  father,  or  to  the  arm  of  a near 
relative.  At  her  left,  and  just  a step  or  two  back 
of  her,  her  father  waits  to  give  her  away,  which 
he  does  by  bowing  or  by  taking  her  right  hand 
and  placing  it  in  that  of  the  clergyman.  After 
this,  he  joins  the  lady  who  entered  with  the 
groom,  and  becomes  her  escort. 

If  there  are  no  bridesmaids,  the  ushers  walk 
into  church  in  pairs,  just  in  advance  of  the 
groom,  and,  parting  at  the  altar,  half  stand  at 
one  side  and  half  at  the  other.  While  the  cler- 
gyman is  congratulating  the  bride,  they  pass  out 
in  pairs,  a few  yards  in  advance  of  the  married 
party. 

When  there  are  no  bridesmaids  nor  ushers,  the 
order  of  the  ceremonies  is  as  follows:  The 
members  of  the  bride’s  family  set  off  before  the 
bride.  She  follows  with  her  mother.  The  bride- 
groom awaits  them  and  gives  his  arm  to  the 
mother.  They  walk  up  the  aisle  to  the  altar, 
the  mother  falling  back  to  her  position  on  the 
left.  The  father,  or  relative  representing  the 
father,  conducts  the  bride  to  the  groom,  who 
stands  at  the  altar  steps  with  his  face  turned  to- 
ward her  as  she  approaches,  and  the  father  falls 
back  to  the  left.  The  relatives  follow,  those  of 
the  bride  standing  at  the  left,  those  of  the  groom 
at  the  right.  At  the  close  of  the  service,  the 
bride  and  bridegroom  pass  out  first,  the  mother 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


45 


and  father  following,  the  relatives  bringing  up 
the  rear.  A marriage  ceremony  of  this  descrip- 
tion may  be  very  convenient  and  easily  ar- 
ranged, but  it  is  not  an  especially  interesting 
spectacle. 

Wedding  breakfasts  have  all  the  form  and  cer- 
emony of  a dinner,  although  it  must  be  borne  in 
mind  that  it  is  not  a dinner.  Flowers  may  be 
skilfully  arranged  in  fine  glass  vases,  or  in  silver 
epergnes.^  with  flowers  on  either  side  of  the  wed- 
ding-cake, which  stands  in  the  center  of  the  ta- 
ble. Generally,  the  viands  are  cold,  consisting 
of  poultry  and  game,  salads,  game  pies,  salmon 
a la  mayorinaise.,  tongues,  hams,  savory  jellies,  ices, 
fruit,  sweets  of  every  description,  and  wine. 
Dishes  should  vary  with  the  seasons  of  the  year. 

For  weddings  at  home,  about  the  same  for- 
malities are  observed  as  for  a ceremony  in 
church.  An  altar — if  it  can  be  so  called — is 
usually  a high  railing,  entirely  concealed  by 
flowers,  and  placed  in  an  arbor  of  evergreens, 
with  a true  lover’s-knot  of  red  and  white  flowers 
over  the  entrance,  or  a marriage-bell  can  be  sus- 
pended from  the  ceiling  on  a wire  rope,  hidden 
by  smilax.  Foliage  plants  and  banks  of  moss 
fill  the  window  recesses,  with  tall  palms  in  con- 
venient corners,  and  a profusion  of  hanging- 
baskets  and  smilax,  with  perhaps  a Cupid’s 
bow  and  arrow  of  white,  red,  and  purple  flowers 
over  a mirror,  or  in  any  place  suitable. 

The  orchestra  is  stationed  in  the  hall.  Only 
relatives  are  admitted  into  the  parlor  where  the 
ceremony  is  to  be  performed;  when  it  is  con- 
cluded, the  party  turn  in  their  places  and  face 


46 


THE  tl SAGES  OF 


their  friends,  who  come  forward  to  congratulate 
them.  If  space  be  of  importance,  the  kneeling- 
stool  and  even  the  floral  altar  may  be  removed  a 
little  later,  without  observation. 

When  a widow  marries,  her  notes  of  invitation 
are  engiaved  with  her  whole  name;  for  instance: 

Margaret  Fuller  Smith,”  her  maiden  and  her 
married  name.  It  would  be  shocking  for  her  to 
call  herself  “ Mrs.  Margaret  Smith.”  She  may 
be  married  in  white  if  she  chooses,  but  etiquette 
strictly  prohibits  a veil  and  orange  blossoms 
a second  time;  widows  and  ladies  not  young  are 
usually  married  in  bonnets,  which  should  be  of 
the  most  elegant  description.  A widow  may 
have  her  maids  at  the  altar,  a liberty  which  has 
only  been  granted  to  her  within  the  last  few 
years,  and  everything  may  be  arranged  with  a 
vast  deal  of  ceremony,  but  simplicity  is  better. 

If  she  have  sons  or  unmarried  daughters  at  the 
time  she  becomes  again  a wife,  she  prefixes  the 
last  name  of  her  children  to  her  new  one  on  all 
ceremonious  occasions  in  which  they  are  inter- 
ested in  common  with  herself. 

When  bridal  presents  are  given,  they  are  sent 
to  the  bride  some  days  before  the  marriage  cer- 
emony, and  are  acknowledged  as  soon  after  that 
event  as  possible  by  a note  written  with  the 
bride’s  own  hand. 

Sometimes  the  bride  carries,  or  is  followed,  on 
her  wedding  tour  by  a list  of  fier  presents,  so 
that  she  may  return  thanks  as  early  as  practica- 
ble. As  the  custom  of  sending  bridal  presents, 
formerly  so  universal,  has  fallen  into  disuse,  if 
immediate  friends  and  relatives  desire  to  make 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


47 


presents,  it  is  very  kind  and  proper  for  them  ^o 
do  so,  but  it  should  not  be  considered  obliga- 
tory. These  gifts  are  seldom  exhibited,  and  the 
few  chosen  friends  who  are  permitted  to  look  at 
them  do  so  after  the  cards  of  the  donors  have 
been  removed.  It  is  not  considered  at  all  the 
correct  thing  to  talk  about  these  contributions, 
or  rather  gifts.  Relations  may  present  useful 
articles,  while  others  give  only  such  costly  gifts 
or  works  of  art  and  beauty  as  shall  be  a compli- 
ment to  the  cultivated  and  refined  tastes  of  the 
recipients. 

Such  gifts  as  linen,  silver,  etc.,  are  marked,  if 
at  all,  with  the  bride’s  maiden  name.  The  pres- 
ents for  the  bridegroom  are  inscribed  either  with 
his  cipher  or  initial. 

An  attempt  has  been  made  to  introduce  the 
English  fashion  of  a wedding-breakfast.  The 
breakfast  has  all  the  formality  of  a dinner,  and 
seats  are,  of  course,  very  important.  On  arriv- 
ing at  the  house  where  the  breakfast  is  to  be 
held,  the  gentlemen  leave  their  hats  in  the  hall, 
but  the  ladies  do  not  remove  their  bonnets. 
After  greeting  the  bride  and  groom,  and  the  fa- 
ther and  mother,  the  company  converse  for  a 
few  moments  until  breakfast  is  announced. 

Then  the  bride  and  groom  go  first,  followed 
by  the  bride’s  father  with  the  groom’s  mother, 
and  the  groom’s  father  with  the  bride’s  mother; 
then  the  best  man  with  the  first  bridesmaid; 
then  the  bridesmaids  with  attendant  gentlemen, 
and  then  the  other  invited  guests.  Coffee  and 
tea  are  not  offered,  but  bouillon,  salads,  birds, 
oysters,  and  other  hot  and  cold  dishes,  ices,  jel- 


48 


THE  USAGES  OF 


lies,  etc.,  are  served,  together  with  champagne 
and  other  wines,  and  finally  the  wedding-cake  is 
set  before  the  bride,  and  she  cuts  a slice. 

Wedding  presents  are  sent  any  time  within 
two  months  before  the  wedding — the  earlier  the 
better.  All  persons  who  send  gifts  should  be  in- 
vited to  the  wedding  and  to  the  reception,  al- 
though the  converse  of  this  proposition  does  not 
hold  true,  for  not  all  who  are  asked  to  the  wed- 
ding are  expected  to  send  gifts. 

For  weddings  in  families  where  a death  has 
recently  occurred,  all  friends,  even  the  widowed 
mother,  should  lay  aside  their  mourning  for  the 
ceremony,  appearing  in  colors.  It  is  considered 
inappropriate  to  wear  black  at. a wedding.  Pur- 
ple silk  or  velvet  can  be  worn. 

Should  there  be  dancing  at  a wedding,  it  is 
proper  for  the  bride  to  open  the  first  quadrille 
with  the  best  man,  the  groom  dancing  with  the 
first  bridesmaid.  It  is  not,  however,  very  cus- 
tomary for  a bride  to  dance,  or  for  dancing  to 
occur  at  an  evening  wedding,  but  it  is  not  a bad 
old  custom. 

For  wedding  decorations,  houses  are  filled 
with  palm  trees  in  pots,  and  orange  trees  in  full 
bearing.  Mirrors  are  covered  with  vines, 
wreaths  and  climbing  roses,  trained  across  a trel- 
lis of  wire. 

It  is  a very  pleasant  custom  for  the  bride 
to  announce  with  her  wedding-cards  two  or  more 
reception  days  during  the  winter,  after  her  mar- 
riage, on  which  her  friends  can  call  upon  her.  On 
these  occasions  she  does  not  wear  her  wedding- 
dress.  She  wears  a dark  silk,  which  may  be  as 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


49 


handsome  as  she  chooses  As  for  wearing  her 
wedding-dress  to  balls  or  dinners  after  her  mar- 
riage, it  is  perfectly  proper  for  her  to  do  so,  if 
she  divests  herself  of  her  veil  and  her  orange 
blossoms. 


THE  USAGES  OF 


CHAPTER  V. 

RECEPTIONS. 

Ladies  are  more  and  more  inclined  to  use  the 
post  as  a medium  for  sending  invitations  to  re- 
ception days  and  teas.  The  post  is  sure,  and 
the  card  is  almost  certain  to  reach  its  destina- 
tion. If  the  cards  are  sent  by  mail,  two  envel- 
opes are  required,  the  outer  one  sealed;  but  if 
they  are  left  by  special  messenger,  the  07ie  en- 
velope is  unsealed. 

It  is  not  at  all  the  correct  thing  to  invite  older 
persons  to  one’s  house  until  after  the  first  call  of 
the  season  has  been  made,  nor  can  you  invite  a 
lady  until  you  have  first  called  on  her  in  a for- 
mal manner,  and  the  visit  has  been  returned. 
Calls  made  on  reception  days,  where  a guest  is 
staying,  are  not  binding  upon  the  guest  to  re- 
turn, and  no  separate  card  is  left  for  a guest  on 
a reception  day,  although  a card  is  left  for  the 
hostess  by  each  person  present  to  serve  for  an 
after  call,  and  the  card  is  also  necessary  for  the 
reason  that  it  would  be  too  much  to  expect  that 
a hostess  could  remember  all  who  called.  She 
is  obliged  to  sit  down  the  next  day  and  count 
her  cards.  Gentlemen  should  not  expect  to  re- 
ceive invitations  from  ladies  with  whom  they 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


51 


are  only  on  terms  of  formal  visiting  until  the 
autumnal  call  has  been  made,  or  until  their  cards 
have  been  made  to  represent  themselves. 

Invitations  to  a ball,  to  an  “at  home,”  a tea, 
or  a garden  party  are  usually  given  in  the  name 
of  the  hostess.  The  invitations  to  dinner  are  in 
the  name  of  both  host  and  hostess. 

It  is  never  the  custom  for  very  young  ladies  to 
invite  guests,  especially  gentlemen,  in  their  own 
name.  If  the  mother  is  not  living,  all  notes  of 
invitation  should  be  written  in  the  father’s  name, 
although  an  elderly  sister  at  the  head  of  the 
house  can  issue  invitations  in  her  own  name. 

Numerals  for  dates,  hours,  and  street  numbers 
are  always  permissible  on  cards  of  invitation, 
also  for  the  months,  if  space  or  the  lack  of  it 
make  such  abreviations  necessary.  No  abrevia- 
tions  of  names  are  allowed,  although  initials  may 
be  used. 

Invitations  to  day  or  evening  receptions  are 
now  generally  made  on  “at  home”  cards,  or  the 
lady’s  visiting  card  is  used  with  the  simple  in- 
scription “At  home,  Tuesday,  October  i6th, 
from  four  until  seven,”  written  beneath  the 
printed  name.  If  a series  of  receptions  are  to 
be  given,  the  following  is  the  form: 

Tuesdays  in  Novefnber^ 
from  four  to  six  d clock. 

There  are  many  reasons  for  the  popularity  of 
the  afternoon  “at  home.”  It  can  be  given  in  a 
large  or  a small  house,  by  the  wealthy,  or  by 
those  who  are  the  reverse;  it  can  be  arranged  on 


UNIVERSITY 
laiNOIS  LIBR 


52 


THE  USAGES  OF 


a grand  scale,  or  on  a very  moderate  one  of  ex- 
pense. 

When  an  ‘^at  home'’  is  given  once  in  every 
week  of  a season,  it  is  rather  with  an  idea  of  be- 
ing at  home  on  a certain  day  to  all  who  may 
call,  than  of  giving  a special  entertainment,  but 
many  consider  that  to  give  up  one  afternoon  in 
each  week  is  too  great  a tax  upon  their  time  and 
engagements,  and  prefer  giving  one  or  two  large 
receptions  during  the  winter.  Many  ladies  pre- 
fer the  evening  party  to  an  afternoon  reception. 
A number  of  gentlemen  renders  the  former  a 
more  enviable  affair,  and  then  the  supper,  which 
follows,  contributes  a certain  amount  of  festivity 
to  the  gathering  which  is  lacking  at  an  afternoon 
at  home.”  On  the  other  hamd,  numerous  are 
the  upholders  of  the  simpler  forms  of  entertain- 
ment. The  question  of  dress  operates  in  favor 
of  it,  as  the  usual  afternoon  visiting  toilet  is 
that  worn  at  an  “at  home,”  which  toilet  can  be 
as  plain  or  as  elaborate  as  the  taste  or  means  of 
the  wearer  may  dictate. 

These  small  and  unpretending  receptions  are 
very  appropriate  in  winter,  when  people  are  glad 
of  somewhere  to  go  and  something  to  do  on  cold, 
dark  afternoons.  No  doubt,  they  promote  and 
further  much  pleasant  intimacy  between  those 
moving  in  the  same  circle,  and  are  the  means  of 
ladies  enjoying  themselves  in  a quiet  way. 

In  the  summer,  for  an  out-door  entertainment, 
the  words  “lawn  tennis”  or  “garden  party”  are 
engraved  or  written  in  the  left-hand  corner  of 
the  visiting  card.  No  answers  are  expected  to 
these  “ at  home  ” invitations,  unless  an  “ R.  S. 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


55 


V.  P (letters  which  are  less  and  less  frequently 
used)  is  written  at  one  corner.  A lady  may  be 
sending  out  so  many  invitations  that  she  does 
not  care  for  ah  answer,  but  if  she  makes  the  re- 
quest (in  the  case  of  an  ‘^at  home,”  all  other  in- 
vitations requiring  replies),  it  is  most  hopelessly 
ill-bred  not  to  send  an  immediate  reply.  No 
such  word  as  regiets,” accepts,”  etc.,  should 
be  written  on  a card.  A full  regret  or  accept- 
ance should  be  written  on  a sheet  of  note  paper 
or  a card  made  for  the  purpose. 

If  you  attend  an  “ at  home  ” reception,  a call 
is  not  necessary;  if,  however,  you  are  unable  to 
accept  the  invitation,  you  call  or  leave  a card  as 
soon  after  as  possible.  If  the  lady  has  a weekly 
reception  day  the  call  must  be  made  on  that  day. 
Gentlemen  may  send  their  cards  by  post,  when 
they  cannot  attend  nor  even  find  time  afterward 
to  call.  It  was  considered  shocking  to  inclose 
cards  and  send  by  post  or  messenger,  but  it  is 
now  permissible  for  elderly  ladies,  invalids,  or 
those  in  mourning  who  receive  invitations,  to 
send  their  visiting  cards  upon  the  day  of  the  re- 
ception. If  cards  are  sent  by  a footman,  it 
should  be  remembered  that  it  is  not  allowable 
to  put  them  in  an  envelope,  or,  if  so  inclosed,  the 
servant  should  be  told  to  remove  the  envelope 
before  delivering  the  cards. 

Receptions  in  New  York  and  other  large 
cities  are  in  order  from  October  until  the  com- 
mencement of  Lent.  The  ‘^kettle-drum,”  form- 
erly so  high  in  favor,  is  now  replaced  by  the 
afternoon  tea.  The  “at-home”  is  of  the  most 
informal  style  of  reception;  the  hours  are  usual- 


54 


THE  USAGES  OF 


ly  from  four  until  six.  They  are  intended  as 
a social  meeting  of  ladies  by  daylight,  and 
have  for  their  principal  object  conversation, 
so  that  in  the  selection  of  guests,  youth  and 
beauty  are  less  considered  than  talent  and 
distinction.  Guests  are  not  expected  to  appear 
in  full  dress;  a lady  wears  a visiting  costume, 
which  is  richer  than  the  ordinary  walking-dress, 
and  a bonnet  is  in  order. 

The  hostess  receives  her  guests  standing,  aid- 
ed by  members  of  her  famil)^  or  friends,  whose 
special  duty  it  is  to  relieve  her,  that  she  may  be 
free  to  welcome  each  new-comer.  Few  remain 
over  the  conventional  half  hour,  unless  detained 
by  music.  The  formality  of  bidding  the  hostess 
adieu  is  dispensed  with.  A table,  set  in  the  din- 
ing-room, is  supplied  with  a coffee  or  chocolate 
equipage  at  one  end,  and  a tea  service  at  the 
other.  There  are  sandwiches,  cakes,  claret 
punch,  ices  and  fruit. 

Full-dress  receptions  are  given  afternoon  and 
evening,  the  afternoon  being  more  particularly 
designed  for  elder  acquaintances  and  the  even- 
ing for  younger  ladies  and  gentlemen. 

The  invitations  should  be  from  engraved 
plates  on  square  cards  or  note  sheets — they  are 
sent  out  about  two  weeks  before  the  reception 
day — and  are  preceded  by  a call  by  card  upon  all 
acquaintances  to  whom  the  hostess  is  indebted 
for  formal  civilities.  The  invitation  is  issued  in 
the  name  of  the  hostess,  with  the  addition  be- 
neath it,  if  she  chooses,  of  a daughter  or  friend. 
The  following  is  the  correct  form: 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


55 


Mrs.  John  W.  Brown 
requests  the  pleasure  of  your  company 
on  Thursday^  Nove77iber  eighth,, 
from  five  until  ten  o'  clock. 

7195  Madison  Avenue. 
or 

Mrs.  John  W.  Brown. 

Miss  Brown. 

Thursday,  November  eighth, 
from  five  until  ten  d clock. 

7195  Madison  Avenue. 

If  there  is  to  be  dancing,  the  word  is  engraved 
at  the  left  of  the  card.  The  reply  should  be 
formal,  and  written  on  appropriate  cards,  as  fol- 
lows: 

Mr.  a7id  Mrs.  Julius  C.  Jones 
accept  with  pleasure 
(or  decline  %mth  sincere  regret), 

Mrs.  John  W.  Brown' s 
invitation  for  Thursday, 

November  eighth. 

During  the  hours  of  reception,  an  awning  and 


56 


THE  [/SAGES  OE 


carpet  to  the  carriage-way  are  indispensable.  A 
serving  man,  in  dress  suit  and  fresh  white  thread 
gloves,  opens  the  door  of  each  carriage  (provided 
there  is  no  footman),  and  assists  the  ladies  to 
alight.  This  man  provides  each  lady  with  the 
number  of  her  carriage,  as  it  is  fixed  in  the  order 
of  her  arrival,  and  the  same  is  given  to  her 
driver,  so  that  he  shall  know  when  she  asks  for 
him,  and  he  is  called  for  by  this  very  useful  at- 
tendant. Another  man,  or  it  may  be  a woman, 
awaits  at  the  door,  which  she  opens  without  the 
bell  being  touched.  This  servant  receives  the 
cards  of  the  guests  and  directs  them  to  the  dress- 
ing-rooms. A lady  guest  enters  the  drawing- 
room at  the  gentleman’s  right  side,  preceding  him 
by  a step  or  two.  She  does  not  take  his  arm;  or 
if  a young  lady  is  accompanied  by  a chaperon, 
she  enters  the  room  with  her  charge  at  her 
right.  Ladies  in  escorting  each  other,  never 
offer  or  take  the  arm.  The  host  and  hostess  re- 
tain their  post  of  reception  during  the  entire 
evening.  After  a very  brief  interchange  of  salu- 
tations, the  guests  pass  on  to  give  place  to  oth- 
ers; they  do  not  engage  in  conversation  with 
those  receiving. 

The  hostess  rarely  introduces  people  at  these 
large  receptions,  two  hundred  guests  being  some- 
times present;  it  is  not  the  custom  to  introduce 
people,  even  if  the  hostess  were  not  too  closely 
occupied  in  receiving  her  guests.  It  is  not  neces- 
sary for  gentleman  to  wear  gloves,  the  practice 
being  to  omit  them  on  all  social  occasions. 

If  there  is  dancing,  as  is  often  provided,  and 
sometimes  mentioned  on  a corner  of  the  card  of 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY.  57 

invitation,  it  usually  commences  after  the  hour 
named  for  the  close  of  the  reception.  If  the  re- 
ception is  until  ten,  the  dancing  commences 
about  half  past  ten,  with  supper  from  eight  until 
one  o’clock.  The  hostess  cannot  leave  her  post 
to  dance,  but  her  daughters  may  do  so  during 
the  latter  part  of  the  evening.  It  is  not  etiquette 
for  young  ladies  to  dance  more  than  once  at  their 
own  receptions  with  the  same  gentleman.  When 
the  word  dancing  ” is  not  engraved  on  the 
cards,  it  is  not  uncommon  for  the  hostess  to  in- 
vite a few  young  people  by  special  note  to  re^ 
main  and  dance  after  the  hours  mentioned  in  the 
invitation,  or  she  may,  if  she  likes,  make  the  re- 
quest during  the  reception. 

If  the  reception  be  a grand  and  full-dress  af- 
fair, after-calls  are  necessary. 

When  a reception  is  given  by  a gentleman  to 
meet  some  distinguished  person,  the  form  is  as 
follows: 

Mr.  Hamilton  Post.,  Jr., 
requests  the  pleasure  of  t\e  company  of 
Mr. 

on  Tuesday  evening,  January  tenth,  at  eight  d clock, 
to  meet 

Captain  Kydd, 

76  South  Street, 

R.  S.  V.  P. 

{Or,  the  favor  of  an  answer  is  requested^) 

The  latter  form  being  in  better  taste. 


58 


THE  USAGES  OF 


DEBUTS. 

Debuts  take  plaec,  for  the  most  part,  at  the 
private  balls  which  are  usually  given  for  the  pur- 
pose. Previous  to  the  formal  presentation  or 
debut  of  a young  lady,  her  mother  and  her  elder 
unmarried  sisters — if  she  have  them — make  cer- 
emonious calls  or  leave  their  cards,  with  those 
of  the  father  and  brothers,  for  all  acquaintances 
whom  they  propose  to  invite  to  be  present  at  the 
debut.  About  ten  days  before  the  event,  en- 
graved invitations  in  script  are  sent  out.  The 
special  purpose  of  the  party  is  stated,  with  the 
name  of  the  debutante,  or  the  card  of  the  young 
lady  is  inclosed  in  the  envelope  containing  the  in- 
vitation, this  being  considered  in  better  taste 
than  to  have  the  name  printed  upon  the  invita- 
tion. For  those,  however,  who  prefer  this  style, 
the  following  is  the  formula: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Robinson  Crusoe 
request  the  pleasure  of 

presenting  their  eldest  (or  second.,  etc.)  daughter 
Miss  Ethdfrida  Uraiiia^ 
to 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Napoleon  Bonaparte^ 
on  Thursday  evening,  January  seventeenth, 
at  half  past  eight  d clock. 

Dancing  at  ii.  71  West  Street. 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


59 


The  reply^  written  and  forwarded  directly,  is 
as  follows: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Napoleon  Bonaparte 
accept  with  pleasure 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Robinson  Crusoe's 
kind  invitation  for  Thursday  evening.,  January  i^th. 

No.  5 Sussex  Place.  January  ^th. 

If  the  invitations  for  the  debut  are  sent  by 
post,  an  extra  outer  envelope  incloses  all  the  in- 
vitations that  are  directed  to  one  family.  If  they 
are  delivered  by  messenger,  the  outer  wrap  is 
not  used.  One  envelope  is  directed  to  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  B.  If  there  are  more  daughters  than  one, 
the  address  is  “Misses  B.,”  or  “The  Misses  B.” 
Each  son  receives  a separate  invitation,  while 
the  daughters  are  not  individually  bidden  to  the 
entertainment. 

Replies  to  these  notes  are  sent  in  the  names  of 
the  parties  addressed  on  the  envelopes.  All 
friends  interested  in  the  occasion  may  send  flow- 
ers on  the  day  of  the  young  girl’s  presentation 
to  society,  if  they  wish  to  do  so,  and  in  the  even- 
ing, when  greeting  the  young  lady,  who  stands 
at  the  left  of  her  mother  during  the  reception  of 
the  guests,  some  congratulatory  remarks  are 
offered  to  her  by  each  person. 

When  supper  is  announced  the  father  escorts 
the  debutante  to  the  table,  and  the  mother  fol- 
lows at  the  last  with  the  gentleman  whom  she 
particularly  wishes  to  honor.  If  there  be  a 


6o 


THE  USAGES  OF 


brother,  the  father  leads  the  way  with  the  eldest 
or  most  distinguished  lady  of  the  party,  while 
the  brother  accompanies  the  sister,  placing  her 
at  her  father’s  left  hand. 

The  gentleman  who  is  her  artner  for  the  first 
dance  is  usually  a kinsman,  and  is  selected  by  the 
mother.  He  may  dance  but  once  with  her,  nor 
is  it  proper  for  any  other  young  gentleman  to 
ask  for  this  honor  a second  time. 

Visits  of  ceremony  follow  this  entertainment, 
and  are  paid  not  only  to  the  hostess,  but  to  the 
young  lady;  but,  as  has  been  before  stated,  she 
has  no  card  of  her  own  during  her  first  season  in 
society,  nor  is  she  allowed  to  pay  formal  visits 
alone,  neither  may  she  receive  gentlemen  visit- 
ors without  a chaperon.  If  her  mother  be  una- 
ble to  receive  with  her  she  declines  the  visit.  If 
a chaperon  other  than  the  mother  introduces  and 
accompanies  young  ladies  into  society,  her  visit- 
ing card  and  theirs  are  left  together,  to  show 
that  they  are  inseparable  for  the  season.  The 
following  winter  the  young  lady  may,  if  she 
chooses,  have  her  own  card,  which  she  may  leave 
for  friends  either  alone  or  with  those  of  other 
members  of  her  family;  but  her  card  should  not 
be  engraved  with  her  address;  when  necessary 
the  street  and  number  can  be  added  in  pencil. 

Previous  to  her  debut  a young  girl  is  never 
seen  at  a party  that  is  composed  of  mature  peo- 
ple outside  of  her  father’s  house,  nor  is  she  pres- 
ent at  festivities  given  at  her  own  home,  except 
it  be  on  birthday  anniversaries,  holiday  gather- 
ings, or  marriages. 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


6i 


CHAPTER  VI. 

PRIVATE  BALLS. 

Any  number  over  a hundred  constitutes  a large 
ball;  below  that  number  it  is  simply  a ball,  and 
under  fifty,  a dance.  Formal  calls  precede  the 
notes  of  invitation  for  a ball,  which  are  sent  out 
ten  days  or  two  weeks  before  the  day  appointed. 
The  invitations  may  be  written,  but  they  are 
more  frequently  engraved.  The  sheets  of  note- 
paper  should  be  small,  or,  if  cards  are  used,  they 
must  be  large  and  square.  These  are  inclosed 
in  two  envelopes  and  sent  either  by  post  or  the 
lady’s  own  servant.  It  is  not  considered  proper 
to  inclose  one  card  of  invitation  to  several  per- 
sons, addressing  them  as  Mrs.  Blank  and  family, 
but  each  person  whom  you  wish  to  invite  must 
receive  a card. 

The  following  form  is  used; 

Mrs.  John  Bright 

requests  the  pLasure  of  your  company 
on  Thursday  evenhig^  December  6th, 
at  half  past  nine  o'  clock. 

Dancing.  29  North  Street. 


62 


THE  USAGES  OF 


The  word  “ ball  ” is  never  used  on  a card. 
Dancing  or  cotillion  in  one  corner  is  all  that  is 
necessary.  From  nine  to  half  past  ten  are  the 
tisual  hours  named  in  notes  of  invitation  to  balls, 
and  it  is  the  duty  of  each  person  to  arrive  as 
soon  as  possible  after  the  hour  designated.  This 
invitation  must  either  be  accepted  or  declined 
at  once. 


Mr.  and  Mrs.  William  K.  S^nith 
accept  with  pleasure 
{or  decline  with  sincere  regret) 

Mrs.  John  Bright's 
kind  invitation  for  December  6 th. 

St.  James  Square. 

A rule  that  has  no  exception  is  the  one  which 
requires  that  should  anything  occur  at  the  last 
moment  to  prevent  the  attendance  of  a person 
who  has  accepted  an  invitation,  a regret  shall  be 
sent  immediately. 

A married  lady  often  asks  for  an  invita- 
tion to  some  dance,  to  which  she  herself  is 
invited,  for  a young  lady  staying  with  her, 
either  a relative  or  a friend,  and  the  answer  is 
generally  a card  or  a written  permission  to 
bring  her.  In  the  case  of  asking  for  invitations 
for  gentlemen,  if  a lady  is  going  to  a ball,  she 
can,  without  hesitation,  ask  for  cards  of  invita- 
tion for  one  or  two  gentlemen  friends  of  her 
own,  mentioning  their  names  in  the  note.  In 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


^3 


this  case,  also,  the  answer  is  generally  in  the 
affirmative,  as  men,  if  they  dance,  are  always  ac- 
quisitions at  a ball.  Invitations  are  constantly 
asked  for  by  people  for  their  friends,  and  some- 
times they  are  given,  and  sometimes  they  are  re- 
fused on  the  plea  that  there  is  not  a card  to 
spare.  If  the  giver  of  an  entertainment  wishes 
to  oblige  the  petitioner,  she  will  stretch  a point 
to  do  so;  if  not,  she  will  write  a polite  note  of 
excuse.  It  is  thoroughly  understood  that  peo- 
ple do  not  ask  for  invitations  for  themselves, 
whatever  they  may  do  for  their  friends,  and  that 
they  would  not  do  so  unless  they  were  them- 
selves invited. 

Persons  giving  balls  should  be  careful  not  to 
invite  more  than  their  rooms  will  accommodate. 
A few  years  ago  a ball  was  not  considered  a suc- 
cess unless  it  was  an  over-crowded  one;  the  pop- 
ularity of  the  ball-giver  was  shown  by  the  guests 
scarcely  being  able  to  find  standing  room.  To- 
day a crowded  ball-room  is  styled  a bear  gar- 
den.” A lady  is,  however,  usually  safe  to  invite 
a fourth  more  than  her  rooms  will  hold,  as  that 
proportion  of  regrets  are  apt  to  .be  received. 

The  requisites  for  an  agreeable  ball  are  good 
ventilation,  good  arrangement,  good  floor,  good 
music,  and  a good  supper.  A ball-room  should 
have  light  paper,  pale  yellow  is  the  best,  and  the 
light  should  come  from  the  walls,  as  chandeliers 
throw  a downward  shadow.  Dress  and  beauty 
are  enhanced  by  proper  colors  and  good  light- 
ing. Few  residences  have  ball-rooms  attached 
to  them,  and  where  there  is  none,  the  drawing- 
room is  used  instead.  All  unnecessary  furniture 


64 


THE  USAGES  OF 


should  be  removed,  and  the  room  decorated  with 
growing  flowers  and  cut  blossoms,  which  add 
color  and  beauty  to  the  scene.  Upon  the  floor, 
of  course,  depends  much  of  the  enjoyment  of  the 
evening.  An  ingrain  or  Brussels  carpet,  covered 
with  heavy  unbleached  muslin,  makes  the  best 
surface  for  dancing,  the  next  best  to  an  oak  floor 
well  polished  with  beeswax.  A carpet  dance 
is  never  as  good  as  a floor.  A velvet  or  Turkey 
carpet,  even  with  the  best  of  covering,  has  too 
soft  a surface,  and,  if  possible,  it  should  be  re- 
moved; but  if  it  is  not  convenient  to  do  so,  a lay- 
er of  heavy  paper  should  be  placed  between  it 
and  the  muslin  or  canvas. 

About  the  music — four  pieces  are  enough — the 
violin,  piano,  cornet,  and  violincello.  Should  a 
larger  number  be  desired,  the  selection  should 
be  left  to  the  leader  of  the  orchestra.  The  musi- 
cians should  be  placed  where  they  will  be  heard 
to  the  best  advantage,  but  always  put  them  out 
of  the  way. 

An  awning  to  shelter  the  guests  from  the  car- 
riage to  the  vestibule,  and  a carpet  laid  from  the 
curbstone  to  the  hall,  are  provided  at  all  balls 
and  parties,  and,  indeed,  whenever  ladies  in  full 
dress  are  expected.  Upon  the  hostess  devolves 
the  duty  of  receiving  the  guests,  although  the 
host  must  remain  within  sight  until  after  the  ar- 
rivals are  nearly  over;  the  same  duty  devolves 
upon  the  sons,  who  that  evening  must  share  their 
attentions  with  all.  Neither  sons  nor  daughters 
should  dance  until  their  guests  are  supplied  with 
partners.  While  the  hostess  is  receiving,  no  one 
should  remain  near  her  except  the  members  of 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY,  65 

her  family,  as  she  is  not  expected  to  enter  into 
conversation  with  each  guest. 

After  the  usual  greetings  with  the  hostess,  the 
guests  occupy  themselves  with  conversation  un- 
til the  young  ladies  have  accepted  partners  for 
the  dance.  An  applicant  for  this  pleasure  is  al- 
ways careful  to  recognize  the  authority  of  the 
chaperon  when  making  his  request.  No  chap- 
eron who  dances  can  do  so,  or  make  any  engage- 
ment, until  the  young  lady  under  her  care  is  pro- 
vided with  partners.  In  a ball-room,  introduc- 
tions without  a previous  permission  are  allowa- 
ble, and  a chaperon  may  present  a gentleman  to 
her  charge,  as  she  must  provide  her  with  all  the 
partners  she  can.  At  the  end  of  every  dance  a 
gentleman  offers  his  right  arm  to  his  partner,  and 
takes,  at  least,  one  turn  around  the  room  before 
consigning  the  young  lady  to  her  chaperon,  or 
he  may  leave  her  with  any  lady  whom  she 
knows. 

At  a private  ball,  a young  lady  cannot  very 
well  refuse  to  dance  with  any  gentleman  who  in- 
vites her,  unless  she  has  a previous  engagement 
or  declines  from  weariness,  and  after  she  has  re- 
fused one,  she  cannot  accept  another  invitation 
for  the  same  dance;  she  must  be  very  careful  not 
to  forget  her  ball-room  engagements.  A gentle- 
man should  invite  the  daughters  of  the  house  to 
dance,  or  any  lady,  if  she  dances,  for  whom  the 
entertainment  may  have  been  given.  It  is  also 
the  duty  of  a gentleman  to  have  himself  pre- 
sented to  every  member  of  the  family  whom  he 
does  not  know,  if  not  upon  the  evening  of  the 
party,  as  soon  after  as  is  convenient. 


66 


THE  USAGES  OF 


As  nothing  must  be  handed  in  at  a ball,  a sup- 
per-room is  indispensable;  this  is  thrown  open 
about  half  past  twelve  or  one  o’clock.  Where  it 
is  possible,  a tea-room,  separate  from  the  supper- 
room,  is  prepared,  and  light  refreshments  are 
served,  also  drinks  to  satisfy  the  varied  tastes  of 
a large  company,  as  tea,  coffee,  chocolate,  lem- 
onade and  bouillon^  with  cakes  and  sandwiches. 
If  a tea-room  is  not  prepared,  wine  and  cakes 
are  served  from  a side-table  at  the  end  of  a 
hall.  When  supper  is  announced,  the  host  leads 
the  way  with  the  lady — perhaps  an  elderly  lady, 
a stranger  or  a bride — to  whom  he  wishes  to  show 
special  attention.  As  all  the  guests  present 
could  hardly  be  accommodated  in  the  supper- 
room  at  the  same  time,  they  would  go  in  as  there 
was  room  made  for  them.  When  there  is  a 
crush,  the  gentlemen  devote  themselves  to  wait- 
ing upon  the  ladies,  and  take  their  supper  later, 
after  which  the  room  is  closed. 

It  is  customary  for  a young  lady  and  her  chap- 
eron to  visit  the  refreshment-room  with  the  gen- 
tleman with  whom  the  young  lady  has  last 
danced.  Therefore  he  can  make  no  engagement 
to  take  out  any  other  unless  his  partner  is  al- 
ready engaged. 

A word  just  here  about  the  duties  of  an  escort. 
He  must  call  for  the  lady  and  accompany  her  to 
the  place  of  entertainment,  go  with  her  as  far  as 
the  dressing-room,  return  to  meet  her  there 
when  she  is  prepared  to  go  to  the  ball-room, 
dance  the  first  dance  with  her,  conduct  her  to 
the  supper-room,  unless,  as  has  been  said,  she  is 
taken  there  bv  the  gentleman  with  whom  she 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


67 


dances  last,  and  be  ready  to  take  her  home 
whenever  she  wishes  to  go.  And  this  same  gen- 
tleman— the  escort — must  call  upon  the  young 
lady  within  the  next  two  or  three  days.  It  is 
not  usual,  except  for  those  who  remain  to  the 
very  end,  to  wish  the  hostess  good-night.  Those 
who  leave  last  naturally  make  some  remark  as 
to  the  pleasure  of  the  evening.  Ceremonious 
leave-takings  are  always  dispensed  with  at  a 
large  ball,  but  for  a small  dance,  a parting  bow 
is  very  civil  and  proper.  Balls  terminate  by  two 
or  three  o’clock. 

After  a ball  it  is  not  enough  to  leave  a card 
for  the  lady  who  has  entertained  you;  a call  in 
person  the  following  day,  or  certainly  within  the 
week,  is  demanded  If  the  lady  who  gives  a 
party  has  no  weekly  reception  day,  it  is  the  cus- 
tom for  her  to  inclose  with  her  invitation  a card 
for  one  or  more  receptions  a week  or  two  later, 
that  all  the  party  calls  may  be  made  on  that 
day. 

A lady  removes  her  gloves  when  partaking  of 
supper,  but  it  is  not  necessary  to  do  so  when 
taking  tea,  or  an  ice  in  the  tea-room  previous  to 
the  supper.  The  difference  between  a ball  and 
an  evening  party  is  that  for  the  latter  there  may 
be  dancing  or  not;  at  a ball  there  must  be  danc- 
ing. This  amusement  and  a substantial  supper 
constitute  a ball.  The  evening  party  almost  al- 
ways includes  dancing,  which  seldom  begins  un- 
til after  supper;  music,  conversation,  etc.,  occu- 
py the  earlier  part  of  the  evening.  The  dancing 
is  ended,  and  all  departures  made  by  one  o’clock 
at  the  latest.  The  note  or  card  ol  invitation  is 


THE  USAGES  OF 


issued  about  a week  or  ten  days  previous  to  the 
appointed  evening,  and  sent  in  a single  envelope. 
The  invitations  are  sent  out  in  the  name  of  the 
hostess,  and  are  in  form  the  same  as  those  for  a 
large  ball,  though  in  event  of  a small  dance  only 
being  given,  the  words  ‘‘small”  or  “early”  are 
written  or  printed  in  one  corner  of  the  card. 
The  person  invited  is  requested  to  appear  at  nine 
and  to  depart  at  twelve;  for  instance,  Mrs.  Etc. 
requests  the  pleasure  of  Etc.  on  Tuesday  even- 
ing, February  fifth,  from  nine  to  twelve  o’clock. 
If  there  is  to  be  dancing,  the  word  is  written  (or 
engraved,  as  the  case  may  be)  at  the  left-hand 
corner. 

Young  men  are  not  always  as  polite  as  they 
should  be  at  balls.  They  ought,  if  well-bred, 
to  look  about  and  see  if  any  lady  has  been  left 
unattended  at  supper;  to  ask  if  they  can  go  for 
refreshments;  if  they  can  lead  a lady  to  a seat, 
go  for  a carriage,  etc.  It  is  not  an  impertinence 
for  a young  man  thus  to  speak  to  a lady  older 
than  himself,  even  if  he  has  not  been  intro- 
duced. 

Well-bred  young  men  always  say  to  the  host- 
ess, at  a ball,  that  they  beg  of  her  to  introduce 
them  to  ladies  who  may  be  without  partners,  as 
they  would  gladly  make  themselves  useful  to 
her.  After  dancing  with  a lady  and  walking 
about  the  room  with  her  a few  times,  a gentle- 
man is  at  perfect  liberty  to  take  the  young  lady 
back  to  her  chaperon  and  plead  another  en- 
gagement. 

A young  lady  must  not  forget  her  ball-room 
engagements.  She  must  be  careful  not  to  offend 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


69 


one  gentleman  by  refusing  to  dance  with  him, 
and  then  accept  the  offer  of  another.  Such 
things  prove  that  the  young  lady  has  not  had 
the  training  of  a gentlewoman. 

A hostess  should  move  about  during  the  even- 
ing, and  contrive  that  her  guests  shall  not  be 
rooted  to  one  chair. 

A hostess  must  not  be  fussy.  She  must  never 
apologize  for  any  shortcomings,  nor  regret  that 
her  rooms  are  small,  or  that  her  floor  is  poor,  or 
say  that  she  wishes  they  were  richer  and  could 
entertain  better. 

Let  a simple  entertainment  be  offered  modest- 
ly, not  apologized  for. 

In  places  outside  of  the  fashionable  circles  of 
the  cities  it  is  customary  to  have  several  moder- 
ate parties  during  the  winter,  instead  of  inviting 
every  one  you  know  on  the  same  night. 

The  invitations  are  usually  given  verbally,  by 
a servant,  two  or  three  days  before  the  one  ap- 
pointed for  the  party.  The  hour  of  assembling 
— eight  o’clock — is  stated,  and  guests  should 
take  care  to  arrive  as  early  as  possible. 

Parties  with  verbal  invitations  and  simple  ar- 
rangements need  cost  but  little,  and  as  every 
one  knows,  they  are  usually  very  enjoyable. 

Ice-cream,  cake  and  coffee  are  sufficient  for  a 
small  entertainment.  They  can  be  improved,  if 
necessary,  with  sandwiches,  neatly  cut  and  thin, 
ices,  jellies  and  lemonade.  To  decorate  the 
room  with  flowers,  nature  comes  to  the  rescue. 
The  mantel  can  be  covered  with  moss,  with  a 
few  flowers  placed  here  and  there;  evergreens 


70 


THE  [/SAGES  OF 


can  be  used  to  ornament  the  hall  and  wind  about 
the  stair-railings. 

As  for  music,  a man  to  play  on  the  piano  and 
another  to  play  on  the  violin,  will  provide  all  that 
is  necessary  in  this  respect.  If  the  hostess  wishes 
something  a little  unusual,  let  her  get  up  one  of 
the  new  fancy  dances,  in  costume,  now  so  fash- 
ionable. 

At  a dancing  party,  the  ladies  of  the  house  de- 
cline joining  in  it,  out  of  politeness  to  their 
guests,  till  toward  the  latter  part  of  the  evening, 
when  the  company  begins  to  thin  off  and  the 
dancers  are  fatigued.  Ladies  who  are  strangers 
in  the  place,  are,  by  courtesy,  entitled  to  partic- 
ular attention  from  those  who  may  know  them. 

It  is  the  daughter’s  part  to  keep  the  dancers 
going,  to  see  that  there  are  no  awkward  pauses; 
she  must  do  nothing  that  is  unkind  or  neglect- 
ful to  her  guests,  and  take  care  that  every  other 
girl  has  a partner. 

In  the  apartment  prepared  as  a dressing-room 
for  the  ladies,  a maid  should  be  all  the  evening 
in  attendance.  The  room  must  be  well  warmed 
(in  winter),  well  lighted,  and  furnished  with  all 
that  may  be  requisite  for  giving  the  last  touches 
to  head,  feet  and  figure,  previous  to  entering  the 
parlor.  In  this  room,  besides  the  toilet  glass, 
well  lighted,  let  there  be  a hand-mirror,  to  ena- 
ble the  ladies  to  see  the  back  of  their  heads;  an 
ample  supply  of  pins,  combs,  brushes,  hair-pins, 
etc.,  and  a work-box  containing  needles  and 
thread.  Let  there  be  bottles  of  fine  eau-de-co- 
logne, and  camphor  and  hartshorn,  in  case  of 
faintings. 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


71 


Among  the  furniture,  have  a sofa  and  several 
footstools  for  the  ladies  to  sit  on  if  they  wish  to 
change  their  shoes. 

The  woman  attending  must  take  charge  of  the 
cloaks,  shawls  and  overshoes,  rolling  up  together 
the  things  that  belong  to  each  lady,  and  putting 
each  bundle  in  some  place  they  can  easily  re- 
member when  wanted  at  the  breaking  up  of  the 
assembly. 

It  is  the  custom  for  the  lady  of  the  house  to 
be  dressed  rather  plainly,  showing  no  desire  to 
eclipse  any  of  the  guests.  But  her  attire,  though 
simple,  should  be  handsome,  becoming,  and  in 
good  taste. 

At  large  gatherings  in  the  country  it  is  proper 
for  the  mistress  to  introduce  her  guests  to  each 
other,  and  it  is  perfectly  proper  for  her  to  do 
this  without  asking  permission  of  either  party. 

A mother  always  introduces  her  son  or  daugh- 
ter, a husband  his  wife,  or  a wife  her  husband, 
without  asking  permission. 

GERMANS. 

As  its  name  suggests,  this  dance  originated  in 
Germany,  where  it  is  known  by  its  proper  appel- 
lation, the  cotillion. 

It  is  the  most  fashionable  dance  in  society,  and 
usually  ends  every  ball. 

The  german  differs  very  little  in  its  etiquette 
from  that  of  the  party.  Generally  the  early  part 
of  the  evening  is  spent  in  waltzing,  and  after 
supper  the  german  commences.  The  couples 
are  seated  around  the  sides  of  the  room  or  rooms, 
leaving  the  center  free  for  dancing.  The  con- 


72 


THE  USAGES  OF 


trol  of  the  affair  is  in  the  hands  of  a gentleman 
called  the  leaden  All  being  seated,  the  leader 
gives  a signal  to  the  musicians,  who  strike  up  a 
waltz  or  gallop.  He  then  designates  certain 
couples,  who  rise,  as  called  upon,  and  dance; 
these  couples  are  then  said  to  be  “ up.’'  After  a 
certain  interval  the  leader  gives  a signal,  and  the 
couples  dancing  choose  others,  each  lady  a gen- 
tleman, and  each  gentleman  a lady.  This,  of 
course,  doubles  the  number  on  the  floor.  The 
leader  then  directs  those  dancing  through  some 
figure,  for  instance,  an  ordinary  quadrille.  At 
another  signal  from  the  leader  the  figure 
^‘breaks  up,”  and  a general  waltz  follows,  in 
which  one  dances  with  the  partner  last  chosen. 
At  still  another  signal  all  on  the  floor  return  to 
their  original  seats,  all  the  ladies  being  first  con  - 
ducted to  their  own  seats  by  the  gentlemen. 
The  leader  then  has  up  ” another  set  of  coup  - 
les, who  follow  the  lead  of  the  preceding  ones, 
and  so  on  until  every  couple  has  been  up  and 
gone  through  the  same  forms. 

In  most  figures  of  the  german,  favors  are  used. 
During  a favor  figure,  at  some  time  indicated  by 
the  leader,  and  generally  when  those  up  ” in- 
vite those  not  “ up  ” to  dance,  the  favoring  is 
done  by  gentlemen  giving  favors  to  the  ladies 
and  by  ladies  similarly  complimenting  the  gen- 
tlemen. When  the  leader  hands  the  favors  for 
distribution  to  those  dancers  who  are  on  the 
floor,  the  conferring  of  them  on  others  who  are 
not  up  is  an  invitation  to  dance.  It  is  sometimes 
the  custom  to  distribute  them  during  every  sec- 
ond figure,  while  in  others  they  are  an  accom- 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


73 


paniment  of  almost  every  figure  put  upon  the 
floor.  In  choosing  favors  it  is  necessary,  above 
all,  to  have  a sufficiency  of  them.  They  should 
be  chosen  with  taste,  always  avoiding  an  osten- 
tatious display.  Besides  the  conventional  german 
favor,  usually  certain  combinations  of  colored  silk 
and  tinsel, worked  into  pleasing  forms  and  devices, 
are  given;  there  are  also  many  toys  and  trinkets, 
which  add  very  much  to  the  fun  of  the  occasion. 
Flowers  can  always  be  used;  then  there  are  fans, 
gilt  charms,  fancy  baskets,  deco'rated  tambour- 
ines, painted  silk  sachets,  and  embroidered  satin 
bags  filled  with  bon-bons.  For  the  gentlemen, 
decorations,  Lt.  Nicholas  pipes,  and  lanterns 
filled  with  eau-de-cologne,  etc.  The  more 
unique  the  favors  the  better.  As  the  last  favor 
of  the  evening,  each  lady  can  be  presented  with 
a basket  of  flowers. 

Of  course,  almost  any  sum  may  be  expended 
for  favors;  very  pretty  ones  may  be  procured  by 
expending  one  to  two  dollars  for  each  couple, 
while  for  three  or  four  dollars  for  each  couple,  a 
very  elegant  german  may  be  given. 

Figures  ‘‘with  properties”  require  especial 
preparation  in  the  way  of  providing  the  neces- 
sary articles,  such  as  flags,  parasols,  tapers, 
scarfs,  aprons,  fans,  mirrors,  or  Japanese  lan- 
terns. The  figures  that  are  styled  “ simple  ” re- 
quire no  properties,  or  only  such  as  can  be  found 
in  the  room,  as  chairs,  handkerchiefs,  etc. 

A leader  of  the  dance  should  be  a person  who 
is  familiar  with  your  household  appointments. 
One  who  understands  the  art  of  leading  and  the 
necessary  requirements,  says:  “The  leader 


74 


THE  USAGES  OE 


should  have  a fair  amount  of  energy  and  a good 
temper,  with  a genius  for  invention,  so  that  he 
may  introduce  new  and  pleasing  figures.  If  peo- 
ple are  stupid,  he  must  take  them  by  the  hand 
and  help  them,  that  each  and  every  figure  may 
‘ run  on  ’ in  order.  Do  not  allow  this  or  that 
couple  to  drop  out  of  the  figure  and  waltz.  Do 
not  permit  Mr.  A.  to  slip  off  and  dance  with  Miss 
C.,  when  he  rightfully  should  dance  with  Miss 
B.  This  sort  of  thing  must  not  be  permitted, 
because  it  breaks  up  your  figures  and  destroys 
your  german.  If  you  lose  your  temper,  you  must 
fail.  Keep  your  temper  perfectly  and  always.” 
It  is  customary  for  the  leader  to  stand  with  the 
hostess  to  receive  the  good-byes  of  the  guests. 

The  card  of  invitation  is  the  same  as  that  for 
a party,  the  german  ” being  engraved  on  the 
left-hand  corner,  with  the  hour  when  the  dance 
is  to  commence.  In  making  out  the  invitation 
list  for  a german,  much  more  care  should  be  ex- 
ercised than  is  required  for  an  ordinary  dancing 
party.  Try  and  have  an  equal  number  of  ladies 
and  gentlemen.  Where  there  is  an  excess  of  la- 
dies at  a german,  failure  is  a foregone  conclu- 
sion. The  invitations  are  sent  out  a week  or  ten 
days  in  advance;  they  should  be  at  once  accept- 
ed or  declined,  as  it  is  very  important  for  the 
success  of  a german  that  the  hostess  knows  how 
many  are  coming.  If  you  cannot  go,  send  a re- 
gret immediately,  that  your  place  may  be  filled. 
Calls  are  made  on  the  hostess  on  the  first  of  her 
reception  days;  if  she  has  no  fixed  time  for  re- 
ceiving, a call  should  be  made,  or  cards  left, 
within  ten  days. 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


75 


CHAPTER  VII. 

FANCY  DRESS  AND  MASQUERADE  BALLS,  WITH  A 
FEW  SUGGESTIONS  FOR  COSTUMES. 

The  invitations  for  a fancy  dress  party  or  a 
masquerade  ball  are  usually  issued  from  three 
to  four  weeks  in  advance  to  give  ample  time  for 
preparing  a costume. 

The  invitation  is  the  ordinary  one  for  a party, 
with  the  words  fancy  dress  or  bal  masque  written 
at  the  usual  left  lower  side.  If,  however,  the 
party  is  to  be  an  elaborate  one,  this  announce- 
ment may  be  stated  in  a line  of  its  own,  extend- 
ing through  the  center  of  the  invitation.  Some- 
times the  words,  ordma'^y  ball  dress per7nitted^  are 
added  to  the  invitation. 

To  give  a ball  of  this  kind  requires  much  pre- 
arrangement. The  rooms  should  be  decorated. 
Often  the  servants  are  put  into  the  costumes  of 
family  retainers  of  the  mediaeval  period.  The 
host  and  hostess  should  appear  in  costume  and 
receive  their  guests  near  the  door,  with  their 
family  also  in  fancy  dress.  It  is  the  custom  of 
late  for  the  mistress  to  arrange  two  or  three  sets 
of  quadrilles.  These  should  be  rehearsed  or 


76 


THE  USAGES  OF 


practiced  in  full  costume  before  the  night  of  the 
ball. 

The  dancers  in  these  quadrilles  must  arrive 
early,  as  their  dance  begins  the  ball.  They  may 
be  attired  as  shepherds  and  shepherdesses,  as  a 
Louis  Quinze  hunting  party,  in  the  hunting 
dress  of  that  period,  or  a quadrille  of  all  nations 
may  be  arranged,  the  ladies  and  gentlemen 
wearing  costumes  of  the  same  country  dancing 
together. 

But  the  less  fortunate  one  whose  costume  has 
not  been  arranged  for  her,  and  who  has  accept- 
ed, with  pleasure,’’  a card  of  invitation  to  a 
fancy  dress  ball — she  must  turn  her  thoughts  at 
once  to  the  momentous  question  of  costume,  and 
many  probably  will  be  the  misgivings  as  to  the 
successful  issue  of  the  reflections  and  ultimate 
decision  on  the  all  important  subject  of  dress. 
To  each  and  all  the  great  desideratum  is  origi- 
nality, a very  difficult — nay,  almost  impossible 
object  to  attain  in  these  high  pressure  days  of 
art,  culture  and  design,  leaving  out  of  the  ques- 
tion the  infinite  vanity  of  fashion  in  form,  color 
and  material. 

There  is,  of  course,  the  wide  range  of  histori- 
cal and  mythological  characters  to  select  from, 
all  more  or  less  well  known  and  available  for 
reproduction  with  the  aid  of  existing  wood-cuts 
and  intricate  printed  descriptions;  but  to  many 
the  portrayal  of  these  personages  is  undesirable 
when  one  considers  the  subsequent  uselessness 
of  the  ornaments  and  other  appropriate  adjuncts 
to  such  characters.  These  costumes  are  only 
procured  with  trouble  and  expense,  and  cannot 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


77 


afterward  be  fashioned  over  into  wearing  appar- 
el, owing  to  the  peculiar  cut  of  the  garments 
worn  by  our  ancestors  in  various  periods,  were 
they  ^‘serf  or  peasant,  mighty  lord  or  dame  of 
high  degree.”  A fancy,  equally  with  an  histor- 
ical dress,  to  be  thoroughly  successful,  must  be 
well  thought  out,  and  great  attention  given  to 
minute  details. 

A domino  worn  at  masque  balls  is  sometimes 
worn  as  a fancy  dress.  It  is  made  in  plain  cot- 
ton goods,  or  in  silk  or  satin.  Princess  shape, 
having  often  a Watteau  pleat  with  cape,  large 
hood  and  wide  sleeves.  It  should  be  large  and 
long  enough  to  slip  over  the  dress  easily  and 
hide  it  completely.  A domino  is  usually  in  one 
color,  as  pink  or  blue;  if  it  is  black,  it  should  be 
trimmed  with  a color. 

A description  of  some  fancy  costumes,  easy  of 
adjustment  and  easily  procurable,  may  be  some 
help  in  the  way  of  suggestion.  For  a Contadina 
or  Italian  peasant — always  a favorite  dress — a 
short  blue  petticoat,  trimmed  gold  braid,  a mus- 
lin apron,  a Roman  scarf  about  the  waist,  a low, 
blue  bodice,  with  shoulder  straps,  and  worn  over 
a white  muslin  chemisette,  with  long  sleeves. 
The  head-dress  is  usually  made  of  white  linen 
of  oblong  shape,  the  portion  resting  flat  on  the 
head  lined  with  card-board,  six  inches  square, 
the  end  plain,  or  having  bands  of  lace  across  it. 
High-heeled  shoes  and  coral  and  blue  beads  for 
ornament. 

A word  just  here  regarding  hair-dressing: 
For  an  Italian,  the  two  plaits  are  tied  with  col- 
ored ribbon,  and  often  entwined  with  coins  or 


78 


THE  USAGES  OF 


beads.  For  classic  costumes,  the  hair  is  gener- 
ally gathered  in  a knot  at  the  nape  of  the  neck 
and  bound  with  a fillet,  a few  curls  sometimes 
escaping  at  the  back.  For  a gypsy  or  a druid- 
ess  the  hair  hangs  loosely  down  the  back.  For 
Undine,  Winter,  Snow,  fairies  and  such  charac- 
ters, the  hair  should  be  well  powdered,  after  it 
has  been  dampened,  with  thin  white  starch. 

An  Ice  Maiden  wears  a short  white  dress  of 
some  thin  material,  and  a veil  of  the  same.  Tulle 
covered  with  tufts  of  swan’s  down,  or  what  an- 
swers the  purpose  quite  as  well — white  wadding, 
a girdle  of  falling  icicles,  with  bracelets  and 
chains  of  the  same.  The  old-fashioned  crystal 
candelabrum  will  furnish  the  icicles.  For  Christ- 
mas, an  abundance  of  white  tulle,  swan’s  down, 
or  its  plebian  substitute,  wadding,  and  holly 
leaves  and  berries.  A fan  painted  with  snow 
scenes  and  robins  would  be  a suitable  one  to 
carry  with  such  a dress. 

For  Patience  or  a Dairymaid,  a short  chintz 
tunic,  looped  up  over  a petticoat  of  bright  col- 
ors, a low  bodice,  laced  in  front,  puffed  sleeves, 
an  apron  of  coquettish  make,  and  a large  straw 
hat  with  flowers. 

The  maid  of  Athens  would,  of  course,  wear 
the  classic  Greek  dress;  a flowing  skirt  of  white 
cashmere  or  nun’s  veiling,  the  hem  trimmed 
with  gold  braid  in  a Grecian  design,  the  chiton 
or  sleeveless  jacket  made  in  the  same  material 
as  the  dress.  A gold  belt,  armlets,  bracelets,  a 
fillet  on  the  head  and  sandals  on  the  feet  com- 
plete this  very  classic  costume.  The  diploidon^  or 
flowing  cloak,  is  sometimes  worn  instead  of  the 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


79 


jacket.  This  is  covered  with  silver  stars  and 
draped  from  the  shoulders. 

A costume  easily  prepared  for  a gentleman  is 
that  of  an  Italian  mute.  A monk’s  long  white 
calico  dress  with  pointed  cap  drawn  over  the 
head  and  face,  with  openings  for  the  eyes  and 
mouth  A dress  for  a monk  would  be  a long 
brown  serge  robe,  with  wide  sleeves  and  a cord 
around  the  waist.  A more  elaborate  dress  would 
be  the  one  for  a cavalier  of  the  time  of  Charles 
I.  A long-waisted  doublet,  trunk  hose  of  vel- 
vet, gemmed  and  rosetted  shoes,  or  large  cava- 
lier boots,  wide  at  the  top,  with  a fall  of  lace, 
a shoulder  cloak  of  velvet,  a Vandyck  collar  and 
cuffs  of  lace,  a large  hat,  plumed,  and  with  the 
hair  in  curls. 

Undine,  or  a Mermaid,  should  wear  a dress  of 
tulle  looped  over  pale  green  with  a lavish  dis- 
play of  grasses,  sea- weed,  coral,  shells,  and  water- 
lilies.  A veil  of  tulle  hangs  over  the  hair,  which 
may  be  allowed  to  float  about  the  shoulders, 
etc.,  but  there  must  be  water-lilies  and  sea-weed, 
no  matter  how  next  to  impossible  it  may  be  to 
obtain  them. 

A Wood  Nymph.  Green  tulle  evening  dress, 
trimmed  with  leaves,  wild  flowers,  blackberries, 
etc.,  forming  a fringe  round  the  train  or  tunic. 
The  skirt  should  be  bordered  with  a puffing,  out 
of  which  peep  violets,  primroses  and  other  spring 
flowers,  and  so  arranged  that  they  seem  to  grow; 
the  bodice  must  be  trimmed  to  match.  Flow- 
ers to  be  placed  in  the  hair,  which  should  float 
on  the  hair,  beneath  a veil  of  green  tulle.  Nat- 
ural ivy  may  be  used  on  this  dress;  each  leaf 


8o 


THE  USAGES  OF 


should  be  painted  over  with  oil,  and  thoroughly 
dried;  this  makes  them  bright  and  shiny. 

The  Telegraph.  Short  dress  of  blue  and  red 
satin,  trimmed  with  bands  of  silver  cloth  and 
gold  wires;  the  upper  skirt  of  tulle,  looped  up 
with  medallions  representing  the  telegraph 
poles;  a satin  cap,  with  the  word  Telegraph 
worked  in  pearls.  Pearl  ornaments. 

The  Planets.  A white  satin  short  skirt,  bor- 
dered with  a blue  silk  band  and  dotted  with  sil- 
ver stars;  white  gauze  overskirt  and  plaited  low 
bodice,  besprinkled  with  stars;  long  wing-like 
sleeves  to  match;  blue  satin  Swiss  belt,  cut  in 
points,  a star  on  each;  blue  coronet  with  stars; 
long  veil  with  stars;  necklace  and  bracelets  of 
the  same. 

For  a dress  of  the  time  of  Louis  XIV.,  hoops 
were  in  fashion  and  sacques,  also  patches  and 
very  long  gloves,  the  hair  powdered  and  worn 
over  high  cushions.  The  following  is  the  usual 
style  for  fancy  balls:  Satin  petticoat,  plain  or 
quilted,  with  pearls,  or  with  rows  of  lace  across, 
headed  by  tulle  puffings  and  roses.  A velvet, 
brocaded,  or  satin  train  rounded  in  front,  coming 
from  the  waist  or  like  a Watteau  sacque,  trimmed 
with  lace,  the  bodice  low  and  square,  the  stom- 
acher pointed,  with  rows  of  ribbon  across,  a bow 
in  the  center;  the  sleeves  to  the  elbow,  with  ruf- 
fles. 

A Marquise  of  this  period  would  wear  a pink 
silk  skirt  bordered  with  a lace  flounce,  caught 
up  in  Vandykes,  with  pink  roses  and  silver  tas- 
sels; long  upper  skirt  of  silver  gauze,  with  strips 
of  pink  satin  ribbon,  and  silver  tassels  and  roses 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY.  8i 

keeping  it  in  its  place,  low  bodice;  the  hair 
powdered. 

For  a Peasant  Girl  a linen  striped  skirt,  blue, 
red  and  white;  a red  tunic,  caught  together, 
high  at  the  back:  square,  sleeveless,  blue  cash- 
mere  bodice,  with  velvet  bows  and  trimmings; 
loose  linen  undersleeves,  flat  muslin  cap,  black 
velvet  bracelets,  and  a black  velvet  band  round 
the  neck. 

For  Guinevere  (Idylls  of  the  King).  A dress  ol 
gold  tissue,  velvet  and  brocade;  the  skirt  long 
and  flowing  fastened  from  neck  to  hem  with 
jeweled  clasps  if  possible  an  emerald  in  each. 
Square-cut  bodice,  with  jeweled  bands  around; 
sleeves  tight  at  lower  part,  of  a distinct  color  to 
the  bodice.  The  upper  portion  slashed,  and  jew- 
els introduced;  coronet  of  pearls;  the  hair  in 
plaits. 

For  Marguerite.  A short  skirt  of  cashmere, 
bordered  with  rows  of  black  or  contrasting  vel- 
vet; long  skirt  over  this,  trimmed  in  same  way, 
and  caught  up  by  means  of  a sarpel  or  pocket 
and  girdle  on  the  left  side.  The  skirt  is  sewed 
to  a long,  close  cuirass  bodice,  made  of  the  same 
cashmere,  coming  well  on  to  the  hips,  where  it 
is  trimmed  with  velvet.  It  is  cut  square  at  the 
neck,  over  a linen  chemisette;  the  sleeves  are 
made  with  horizontal  puffs  to  the  elbow,  where 
a close-fitting  portion  of  the  sleeve  meets  them, 
and  falls  a little  over  the  hand.  The  hair  is 
worn  in  two  long  plaits.  Gray  cashmere  could 
be  used  with  black  velvet,  or  white  with  blue. 

For  Esmeralda.  A gypsy  dress  in  yellow, 
black  and  scarlet,  made  short,  trimmed  with 


82 


THE  USAGES  OF 


coins  and  gold  braid.  Black  velvet  band  worn 
above  and  below  the  elbow;  a sash  of  gold  tis- 
sue tied  about  the  hips.  A tambourine  carried 
in  the  hand. 

Moonlight.  A silver-spangled  tulle  evening 
dress  over  white  satin;  a mantle  of  the  same  bor- 
dered with  silver  lace,  attached  to  the  shoulders 
of  the  low  bodice;  a white  and  silver  scarf 
twisted  around  the  head,  fastened  either  with 
diamonds  or  silver  crescents,  which  are  also 
used  for  the  front  of  the  bodice  and  skirt;  white 
satin  shoes  with  crescents.  Dark  gray  and  sil- 
ver is  a pretty  combination  for  the  character. 
For  another  costume  personating  Moonlight:  A 
dress  of  soft  white  silk,  trimmed  and  bordered 
with  brown  velvet  cut  in  Vandykes,  three-quar- 
ter moons  in  gold  cloth  or  yellow  silk  appliqued 
on  the  velvet;  a blue  scarf  around  the  waist, 
edged  with  gold,  gold  and  silver-spangled  tulle 
around  the  neck,  small  silver-spangled  cap  sur- 
mounted on  one  side  by  a crescent. 

A Moorish  costume  consists  of  a maize  satin 
petticoat,  embroidered  with  black;  ruby  velvet 
tunic  and  jacket  trimmed  with  gold  lace;  Moor- 
ish embroidered  sash,  gold  coins  on  the  hair,  and 
plenty  of  jewels. 

A Druidess  is  costumed  in  a long,  flowing, 
cashmere  robe,  bordered  with  embroidered  oak 
leaves;  full,  low  bodice  drawn  to  the  neck  by  a 
string;  a gold  girdle,  scarf  with  pointed  ends 
floating  over  the  right  shoulder  fastened  with  a 
brooch  on  the  left,  all  trimmed  with  gold;  gold 
armlets  below  the  short  sleeves,  a wreath  of  oak 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY.  83 

leaves.  The  dress  must  be  gray  or  white,  with 
a red  scarf. 

For  a calico  ball,  Shepherdess  and  Charity 
Girl  costumes  are  appropriate.  The  invitation, 
of  course,  states  the  nature  of  the  ball,  but  the 
word  calico,  for  a ball,  includes  merino,  with  tin- 
sel trimming,  and  net  and  tarlatan  may  take  the 
place  of  tulle.  A pretty  costume  for  a shep- 
herdess is  composed  of  cream-colored  cretonne 
for  the  underskirt.  A tunic  and  square-cut  bod- 
ice of  pale-blue  cretonne,  a closely  plaited  chem- 
isette, and  ruffles  to  finish  the  elbow  sleeves,  and 
includes  high-heeled  shoes  with  blue  bows.  Pow- 
dered hair  with  a wreath  of  roses  fastened  with 
a knot  of  blue  ribbon,  the  crook  twined  with 
flowers. 

The  Charity  Girl  costume  consists  of  a blue 
frock  reaching  to  the  ankles,  with  a white  cape, 
long  apron  and  mob  cap. 

A Watteau  dress  can  be  prepared  without 
much  difficulty;  a skirt  of  muslin,  with  small 
pleated  flounces  to  the  waist;  a sacque  of  silk 
with  square-cut  bodice  pointed  in  front  and 
trimmed  with  lace;  elbow  sleeves  and  ruffles, 
a muslin  apron;  narrow  black  velvet  around  the 
neck  and  wrists,  and  the  hair  powdered.  For  a 
more  elaborate  custom  the  undershirt  must  be 
of  silk  or  satin,  often  quilted;  it  must  be  short, 
or  just  touching  the  ground.  The  sacque,which 
generally  forms  a part  of  a Watteau  costume, 
which  is  indeed  the  distinctive  feature,  is  fasten- 
ed to  the  bodice  at  the  back  in  a double  box 
pleat.  It  is  long,  and  looped  up  as  a tunic. 

For  a child  a representation  of  a butterfly  cos- 


84 


THE  USAGES  OF 


tume  is  a pretty  device.  A short  skirt  of  blue 
foulard,  with  an  overskirt  of  gauze  or  tarlatan,  a 
low  bodice,  with  a waistband  fastened  in  front 
with  bows,  and  two  wings  made  of  gauze,  edged 
with  fine  wire,  silk  stockings,  and  blue  satin 
boots.  Fancy  dress  parties  for  children  are  very 
much  the  fashion.  The  dresses  worn  are  often 
suggested  by  the  illustrated  books.  It  is  a good 
plan  for  a certain  number  of  children  to  appear 
in  the  characters  of  some  one  fairy  tale.  Among 
the  suitable  costumes  for  children  are  Rainbow, 
Alphabet,  Titania,  Tambourine  Girl,  King  Cole, 
a Herald  and  Cupid;  for  the  latter  a dress  of 
blue  and  silver  gauze  smothered  in  roses,  silver 
gauze  wings,  and  the  inevitable  bow  and  arrow. 

Little  Miss  Muffet  should  wear  a pale  blue 
chintz  or  sateen  dress,  trimmed  with  gold  lace, 
a muslin  fichu  and  mitts,  and  a spider  in  the  cap. 
A dress  demanding  more  outlay  of  time  and 
money  would  be  one  for  Mary,  Mary,  quite 
contrary.  A quilted  petticoat  with  colored  pict- 
ures of  “ pretty  maids  all  in  a row,”  bordered 
with  silver  cord;  a satin  tunic,  with  silver 
bells,  having  garlands  of  cockle-shells  and  prim- 
roses; the  bodice  low  and  square,  with  long 
sleeves  trimmed  to  match,  a satin  hat  with  prim- 
roses, bells  and  cockle-shells;  a silver  chatelaine 
of  hoe,  spade,  and  watering-pot,  a cockle-shell 
necklace,  and  mittens. 

Dresses  copied  from  the  Kate  Greenaway 
books  are  always  in  favor.  The  skirts  are  nar- 
row, with  long  flounces,  very  short  waists,  a 
turn-down  frill  at  the  neck^  and  the  sleeves 
puffed, 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


85 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

OPERA  AND  THEATER  PARTIES. 

Theater  parties  are  generally  given  by  bach- 
elors who  have  no  homes  to  which  they  may  in- 
vite guests,  and  who  thus  cancel  some  of  their 
obligations  to  households  from  which  they  have 
received  courteous  hospitalities.  If  given  by  a 
bachelor,  he  first  secures  a matron  to  chaperon 
the  young  ladies  of  his  proposed  party.  The 
young  man  who  gives  an  entertainment  of  this 
sort  must  go  about  this  undertaking  with 
thoughtfulness,  tact  and  a good  balance  to  his 
credit.  He  will  pay  a visit  to  a famous  restaur- 
ant, another  to  his  florist’s  and  a third  to  the 
box-office  of  the  theater  where  a new  piece  is  to 
be  brought  out,  say,  that  day  fortnight.  Then 
he  will  give  the  invitations  in  person,  to  fifteen, 
let  us  say,  of  the  most  charming  and  gracious 
of  the  ladies  with  whom  he  is  most  intimate, 
after  the  permission  of  the  mother,  that  her 
daughter  may  be  his  guest,  is  obtained.  It  is 
proper  to  mention  what  married  lady  will  ac- 
company them,  and  to  give  the  names  of  the 
gentlemen  of  the  party — fifteen  of  his  brightest 
and  most  eligible  male  friends.  The  rendezvous 
assigned  will  be  the  chosen  restaurant,  possibly, 


86 


THE  USAGES  OE 


at  six  p.  M.  The  ladies,  if  not  attended  by 
father  or  brother,  are  accompanied  by  a maid, 
who  returns  home  in  the  carriage  to  come  back 
for  her  mistress  at  the  hour  appointed,  which  is 
usually  a half  hour  after  midnight.  In  one  of 
the  upper  chambers  of  the  most  sumptuous  of  all 
restaurants  the  party  will  sit  down  to  the  repast. 
The  thermometer  outside  may  be  below  zero, 
but  the  table  will  be  brilliant  and  fragrant  with 
a profusion  and  variety  of  flowers.  But  there 
can  be  little  tarrying  over  the  feast,  for  the  play 
begins  at  eight.  The  ladies  rise  and  are  ushered 
into  the  adjacent  withdrawing-room.  There  they 
find  a long  side-table  that  seems  covered  with 
flowers,  and  by  it  there  stands  trim,  neat-handed 
young  women  from  the  establishment  of  the 
fashionable  florist. 

There  is  found  to  be  order  in  the  seeming 
chaos  of  flowers  upon  the  table.  The  giver  of 
the  entertainment  has  taken  pains  to  ascertain 
the  favorite  flower  of  each  of  his  fair  guests,  or 
in  default  of  this  knowledge  has  had  regard  to 
the  tone  of  her  complexion.  Each  lady  finds  a 
card  with  her  name  on  it  lying  on  a separate 
pile  of  flowers.  The  pile  resolves  into  a great 
hand-bouquet,  and  a kind  of  shape  of  flowers, 
which,  fastened  deftly  by  the  maids  on  the  left 
side,  reaches  upward  from  near  the  waist, 
spreading  wider  as  it  rises,  till  the  fern-sprays 
and  the  tips  of  the  rosebuds,  or  the  highest  bells 
of  the  lily  of  the  valley,  fleck  the  graceful  throat 
and  all  but  brush  the  cheek. 

The  carriages  are  announced  and  the  cortege 
drives  off  to  the  selected  theater.  Either  boxes 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


87 


have  been  engaged  or  seats  in  the  front  row  of 
the  balcony.  Possibly  the  broad  top  of  the  bal- 
cony parapet  may  be  found  hidden  by  an  inlaid 
mosaic  of  flowers,  on  which,  in  front  of  each 
chair,  lies  a programme  printed  on  scented  sat- 
in. It  may  be  that  theater  parties  on  a similar 
scale  occupy  the  whole  front  row  of  the  balcony, 
and  the  effect  of  such  a spectacle  is  not  easy  to 
describe. 

When  the  play  is  over,  the  theater  party,  if  the 
affair  is  a ‘‘  full  powered  ” one,  does  not  disperse. 
No,  it  returns  to  the  restaurant,  where  the  din- 
ing-room is  now  found  to  be  a ball-room,  with 
music  in  readiness.  Other  guests  may  arrive, 
and  waltz  follows  waltz,  until  about  one  o’clock 
the  host  of  the  evening  modestly  suggests  that 
some  slight  refreshment  may  be  found  in  an  ad- 
jacent apartment. 

The  slight  repast  is  found  in  an  elegant  sup- 
per, served  on  a table  not  less  lavish  in  its  floral 
decorations  than  had  been  the  dinner-table.  By 
the  time  the  plovers’  eggs,  are  reached,  sundry 
baskets  containing  the  presents  for  the  now  im- 
pending german  ” have  been  conveyed  into  the 
ball-room.  And  the  presents  prove  to  be  not 
gimcrack  gewgaws,  but  souvenirs  of  real  taste 
and  substantial  value.  This  lady,  somehow, 
finds  on  her  arm  the  bracelet  of  Mexican  filagree 
work  for  which,  the  other  day,  she  had  expressed 
a longing;  from  that  one’s  wrist  comes  to  dangle 
a fan  which  she  had  pronounced  a few  weeks  be- 
fore to  be  just  too  lovely  for  anything.” 

It  is  a late,  or,  rather,  an  early  hour  before  the 
parties  separate,  a gentleman  accompanying  each 


88 


THE  USAGES  OF 


young  lady,  provided  only  the  maid  calls  for  her 
with  the  carriage.  If  her  father  comes,  the  gen^ 
tleman  who  has  been  her  attendant  during  the 
evening  escorts  her  only  to  the  carriage.  He 
must  call  upon  her  within  three  days,  or  leave 
his  card,  if  a visit  be  impossible.  The  gentle- 
man who  gives  the  party  must  pay  his  respects 
and  return  thanks  to  mother  and  daughter  with- 
in a week  for  the  honor  and  pleasure  he  has  re- 
ceived from  his  lady  guests.  All  the  members 
of  the  party  call  within  a few  days  after  upon 
the  lady  who  chaperoned  the  company. 

A less  elaborate  party  is  the  one  which  in- 
cludes only  an  after-supper.  In  this  instance  the 
host  calls  upon  his  proposed  guest,  and  if  his 
invitation  is  accepted — and  it  must  also  include 
a gentleman  member  of  the  family  or  a relative 
of  the  young  lady — he  leaves  entrance  tickets  for 
the  entertainment. 

The  party  meet  in  the  box,  where  the  lady  who 
is  chaperon  receives  them  with  the  host.  After 
the  theater  a supper  is  served  to  them  at  some 
fashionable  resort,  and  the  hour  for  returning 
home  is  decided  upon  by  the  matron  of  the  even- 
ing. The  style  of  opera  or  theater  party  is  by 
far  the  most  popular,  and  is,  of  course,  less  ex- 
pensive and  troublesome  to  both  host  and 
guests. 

If  these  parties  are  given  by  a lady  in  her  own 
home,  the  invitations  are  issued  by  informal 
notes  in  her  own  name,  and  a dinner  precedes 
the  public  amusement.  After  the  theater  the 
party  is  invited  to  return  home  with  her  for  an 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY,  89 

i\iformal  supper.  Party  calls  follow  in  the  usual 
manner. 

A word  here  about  dress  for  the  theater:  If  a 
gentleman  invites  a lady  to  attend  the  opera,  he 
mist  tell  her  what  place  he  is  to  offer  her;  if  it  is 
a seat  in  a box  she  must  at  least  wear  a light 
opera  cloak,  even  if  she  does  not  array  herself  in 
full  evening  dress.  For  matinees  the  dress  should 
be  as  elegant  as  for  morning  calls,  and  a bonnet 
is  always  worn,  even  by  those  who  occupy  boxes, 
bu:  it  may  be  as  dressy  as  one  chooses  to  make 
it.  In  the  evening  ladies  are  at  liberty  to  wear 
evening  dress,  with  ornaments  in  their  hair,  in- 
stead of  wearing  a bonnet.  It  is  not  considered 
a breach  of  etiquette  for  a gentleman  to  escort 
ladies  to  the  opera  by  any  one  of  the  public  con- 
veyances, provided  street  toilets  are  worn. 


go 


THE  USAGES  OF 


CHAPTER  IX. 

DINNER  AND  DINNER-GIVING. 

The  invitations  for  formal  dinners,  which  are 
in  order  from  December  until  March,  are  sent 
out  ten  days  or  two  weeks  in  advance. 

The  invitations  can  be  either  written  or  en- 
graved. Ladies  who  give  many  dinner  parties 
always  have  the  engraved  invitations  with  blanks 
left  for  the  written  insertion  of  the  name  of  the 
guest  and  the  date.  The  invitations  are  in  the 
name  of  both  host  and  hostess,  but  the  answers 
are  addressed  to  the  hostess  only.  The  follow- 
ing is  the  usual  formula: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  James  Bennet 
requests  the  pleasure  of 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  Wood's  company  at  dinner 
on  Thursday.^  January  tenths 
at  seven  d clock. 

The  usual  hours  for  a dinner  are  six,  seven,  or 
eight,  and  the  number  of  guests  to  invite  for  a 
dinner  party,  not  less  than  six  nor  more  than 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


91 


twenty;  fourteen  is  the  orthodox  number.  No 
gentleman  is  ever  invited  without  his  wife,  when 
other  ladies  than  those  of  the  family  are  present. 

If  the  party  is  given  for  a friend  or  distin- 
guished person,  upon  an  extra  card,  but  inclosed 
in  the  same  envelope  with  the  invitation,  is  writ- 
ten: 


To  meet 


Mr, . 

If  the  dinner  is  a very  ceremonious  entertain- 
ment, the  name  of  the  honored  guest  will  be  en- 
graved upon  the  note  of  invitation. 

An  invitation  for  dinner  should  be  answered 
as  soon  as  read,  and  formally  accepted  or  de- 
clined in  the  following  style: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  Wood 
accept  with  pleasure 
{or  decline  with  sincere  regret^ 

Mr,  and  Mrs.  James  Bennetf  s invitation  Jor  dinner 
on  January  tenth., 
at  7 d clock. 

If  anything  happens  to  prevent  one  from  at- 
tending a dinner  after  having  accepted  the  in- 
vitation, a note  written  in  the  first  person  must 
be  dispatched  as  quickly  as  possible  to  the  host- 
ess, that  she  may  fill  the  place. 

Etiquette  demands  a call  from  each  guest 


92 


THE  USAGES  OF 


within  a week,  after  the  dinner,  whether  the  in- 
vitation was  accepted  or  not.  Full  evening  cos- 
tume is  required,  and  ladies  wear  gloves,  which 
are  removed  at  the  table  and  need  not  be  worn 
again  during  the  evening. 

There  should  be  an  interval  of  five  or  ten  min- 
utes between  the  arrival  and  the  dinner  hour. 
On  the  arrival  of  the  guests  at  the  house,  each 
gentleman  receives  from  a servant  a card  written 
with  his  name  and  that  of  the  lady  whom  he  is 
to  take  in  to  dinner;  he  also  receives  a small 
boutonniere.  If  the  gentleman  is  not  acquainted 
with  the  lady  whom  he  is  to  escort  to  the  table, 
he  asks  the  host  to  introduce  him,  and  converses 
with  her  until  dinner  is  announced  by  the  but- 
ler. This  functionary  stands  at  the  entrance  to 
the  drawing-room,  which  opens  toward  the  din- 
ing-room, and  bows  to  the  host,  who  is  antici- 
pating this  information.  The  host  offers  his  left 
arm  to  the  lady  for  whom  the  dinner  is  given  or 
to  the  most  distinguished  guest  present;  the 
others  follow,  walking  arm-in-arm  to  their  places, 
if  the  room  allows  it,  if  not,  the  gentleman  fol- 
lows the  lady.  The  hostess  comes  last  with  the 
gentleman  who  is  entitled  to  the  most  consider- 
ation. A gentleman  offers  his  left  arm  to  a lady, 
and  places  her  at  his  right.  The  guests  do  not, 
as  formerly,  wait  for  the  hostess  to  reach  her 
place,  but  take  their  seats  at  once,  only  the  gen- 
tlemen stand  until  the  hostess  is  seated.  Each 
pair  find  their  assigned  place  by  the  card  which 
awaits  them,  assisted  by  information  previously 
given  by  the  host  in  regard  to  the  side  of  the  ta- 
ble chosen  for  them. 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


93 


It  is  only  for  a very  informal  dinner  that  no 
seats  are  assigned.  A card  with  the  name  of 
the  guest  is  laid  at  each  plate.  The  menu  card 
is  usually  hidden  beneath  it.  The  seats  of  the 
host  and  hostess  may  be  at  the  middle,  on  oppo- 
site sides  of  the  table,  or  at  the  ends.  Should 
two  persons  unknown  to  each  other  find  them- 
selves placed  side  by  side  at  table,  they  may  en- 
ter into  conversation  without  any  introduction. 
A gentleman  will  see  that  the  lady  whom  he  es- 
corts to  dinner  is  provided  with  all  she  wishes, 
but  where  there  are  well-trained  servants,  one 
guest  does  not  have  to  look  out  for  the  comfort 
of  another. 

All  formal  dinners  are  served  a la  Russe^  that 
is,  everything  is  handed  by  the  servants,  and 
nothing  is  seen  on  the  table  but  the  fruit,  flowers 
and  sweets.  Hence  the  modern  dinner-table 
presents  a picturesque  appearance,  with  its  lav- 
ish display  of  flowers,  shaded  tapers,  glittering 
array  of  wine-glasses  of  various  hues,  flagons  of 
ruby  glass  bound  with  gold,  and  rare  china  of 
Sevres,  Dresden,  or  turquoise  and  gold.  The  lace 
or  openwork  table-cloth  is  spread  over  a heavy 
colored  groundwork,  with  a mat  of  velvet  or 
plush  under  the  silver  epergni  or  center-piece. 
A long  strip  of  Indian  embroidery,  rich  with 
gold  and  brilliant  colors,  is  used,  and  with  fine 
effect  for  a table  mat.  Only  the  center  of  the 
table  is  thus  covered,  and  on  this  a large  silver 
salver  lined  with  mirrors  may  be  placed,  with 
the  epergn^  filled  with  fruit  and  flowers  in  the 
middle.  , 

When  no  colored  mat  is  used,  it  is  customary 


94 


THE  [/SAGES  OF 


to  lay  flowers  on  the  cloth,  with  a wreath  of 
odorless  blossoms  around  each  plate,  and  each 
lady  is  provided  with  a corsage  bouquet,  or  a 
pretty  fan  covered  with  flowers.  A plate,  one 
large  enough  to  hold  the  majolica  plate  for  the 
oysters,  is  put  at  each  place,  and  at  the  left  are 
laid  two  knives,  three  forks,  and  a soup  spoon, 
all  of  silver.  The  napkin,  which  is  simply  fold- 
ed, with  a dinner  roll,  is  also  put  at  the  left. 
The  goblet  for  water  and  the  wine-glasses  are 
placed  at  the  right.  There  are  two  glasses  for 
champagne,  one  for  the  hock,  a ruby-red  one  for 
claret,  and  three  wine-glasses.  Half  globed- 
shaped  water-goblets,  beautifully  engraved,  are 
growing  in  favor  among  those  who  delight  in 
delicate  glassware. 

White  wine  is  served  with  oysters,  sherry  with 
soup,  hock  with  fish.  Burgundy  with  game,  and 
claret  and  champagne  with  the  dessert,  and  port 
with  cheese.  Many  like  old  Madeira  before  the 
sweets,  although  others  serve  it  after  the  dessert. 
For  less  elaborate  dinners  sherry  for  the  soup 
and  red  wine  or  champagne  are  sufficient.  The 
servant  hands  the  wine  at  the  right  of  the  guest 
— everything  else  is  passed  at  the  left — mention- 
ing the  name  of  the  wine,  and  pouring  it  imme- 
diately unless  told  not  to  do  so.  Do  not  take 
wine  unless  you  intend  to  drink  it.  Oii  a side 
table  is  placed  the  wine  decanter  for  use  ; spark- 
ling wines,  as  hock  and  champagne,  are  kept  in 
ice-pails,  and  opened  as  required.  Lumps  of  ice 
should  never  be  put  in  any  glasses  excepting 
those  for  water.  All  wine-glasses,  except  those 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


95 


for  the  champagne  and  Madeira,  are  removed 
just  before  the  dessert. 

At  each  plate  is  also  a china  or  silver  salt-cel- 
lar; no  condiment  except  salt  is  put  on  the  ta- 
ble. A servant  passes  black  and  red  pepper  with 
the  soup. 

Upon  side  tables  are  placed  all  the  accessories 
of  the  dinner-table — forks,  knives,  table  and  des- 
sert spoons,  goblets,  wine-glasses,  napkins,  and 
the  reserve  of  dinner  plates,  the  coffee-cups  and 
saucers,  and  the  dessert  plates,  each  with  a doily 
and  finger-bowl  placed  on  it;  the  hors  d'  cEuvres 
or  dainty  dishes,  olives,  radishes,  sardines,  cel- 
ery, and  jellies  are  also  on  the  side  table.  At 
another  table  the  chief  servant  divides  the  fish 
and  carves  \\\^  piece  de  resistance.,  as  the  main  dish 
is  called;  it  may  be  a saddle  of  mutton,  a fillet 
of  beef,  a haunch  of  venison,  or  a turkey,  or, 
very  probably,  all  four.  The  chief  waiter,  or 
butler,  as  it  is  easier  to  call  him,  is  supposed  to 
help  the  soup,  to  carve,  and  pour  the  wine. 
Where  there  is  a butler  one  servant  to  every  four 
or  six  persons  is  enough.  The  following  is  a 
definition  of  a very  important  adjunct  to  a din- 
ner-table: ‘‘ K good  servant  avoids  coughing, 
breathing  hard,  or  treading  on  a lady’s  dress;  he 
never  lets  any  article  drop,  and  deposits  glasses, 
forks,  knives  and  spoons  noiselessly.  Rapidity, 
dexterity,  and,  above  everything,  quietness,  add- 
ed to  a knowledge  of  their  duties,  form  the 
requisites  of  good  butlers  and  servants.”  They 
wear  thin-soled  shoes,  do  not  wear  gloves,  but 
use  a damask  napkin  with  one  corner  wrapped 
around  the  thumb,  that  they  may  not  touch  the 


96 


THE  [/SAGES  OF 


plates  with  the  bare  hand.  Both  the  cook  and 
butler  must  be  provided  with  a carefully  written- 
out  menu,  that  of  the  butler  including  the  wines 
against  each  course.  If,  as  is  often  the  case,  the 
dinner  is  served  by  a caterer,  the  hosts  have  lit- 
tle or  no  responsibility,  and  nothing  to  do  but  to 
be  agreeable. 

The  menu  is  no  longer  printed  on  the  dinner 
or  name  card,  as  the  latter  is  kept  as  a souvenir 
of  the  occasion.  It  is  hardly  expected  that  a 
paper  on  etiquette  will  give  bills  of  fair,  but  per- 
haps it  may  not  be  amiss  to  mention  the  courses 
in  order,  with  the  French, and  English  names  of 
each.  Every  one  knows,  of  course,  that  a din- 
ner commences  with  huitres^  oysters,  followed  by 
poiage^  soup;  hors  d oeuvres,  dainty  dishes;  pois- 
son,  fish;  entre/s,  main  dishes;  entremets,  vegeta- 
bles; sorbet,  punch;  roti,  roast;  gibier,  game; 
salades,  salads;  fruits  et  dessert,  fruits  and  des- 
sert; fromage,  cheese,"  cafe,  coffee. 

The  servants,  in  passing  the  dishes,  commence 
with  the  guest  upon  the  right  of  the  master, 
ending  with  the  lady  of  the  house  and  with  the 
guest  upon  her  right,  ending  with  the  host. 

Raw  oysters  with  a piece  of  lemon  in  the 
center  of  the  plate  are  already  served,  and  each 
guest  begins  at  once  to  eat.  When  the  oyster 
plates  are  removed,  two  soups  are  passed,  so 
that  each  person  has  a choice,  and  two  kinds  of 
fish  are  offered,  and  so  on  through  a dinner  of 
from  ten  to  sixteen  courses — ten  is  the  usual 
number.  After  the  soup  one  may  accept  or  de- 
cline whatever  follows.  At  a dinner  it  is  always 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


97 


proper  to  ask  for  bread,  for  water,  or  cham- 
pagne. 

Hot  dinner  plates  are  prepared  when  the  fish 
is  removed,  and  on  these  plates  the  meats  are 
served.  After  each  entree  and  course  the  waiter 
rings  a bell,  which  goes  to  the  kitchen,  which  is 
a signal  to  the  cook  to  send  up  the  next  course 
hot. 

As  the  plates  are  removed  they  are  not  kept  in 
the  dining-room,  but  are  sent  at  once  to  the 
kitchen;  a large  basket  or  two  for  removing  the 
dishes  and  silver  must  not  be  forgotten,  with  a 
maid  standing  at  the  door  to  carry  them  to  the 
kitchen.  As  each  plate  is  removed  a fresh  one 
is  put  in  its  place.  A servant  passes  the  entrees^ 
each  guest  helping  himself. 

Before  the  roast  and  the  game  Roman  punch 
is  served  as  an  appetizer,  and  after  the  game  the 
salad  is  brought  on  in  a silver  dish;  bread  or 
biscuits  and  butter  are  passed  at  the  same  time. 
Before  the  dessert  a servant  should  remove  the 
crumbs  and  another  with  a salver  removes  all 
the  glasses,  except  those  for  the  champagne  or 
Madeira  or  the  glass  for  water,  and  then  the 
dessert  plates  with  the  finger-bowls  are  put  on 
the  table  with  a silver  dessert  knife  and  fork. 
The  bowl  and  doily  are  removed  at  once  and 
placed  at  the  left.  The  water  in  the  finger- 
glasses  should  be  tinted  and  faintly  perfumed 
with  rosewater.  After  making  use  of  the  finger- 
bowl  the  fingers  should  be  wiped  on  the  dinner 
napkin,  not  on  the  doily,  which  is  for  the  fruit. 
After  the  ices,  grapes,  pears,  and  other  fruits 
are  passed,  and  then  the  bon-bons.  Fruit  is  cut 


98 


THE  USAGES  OF 


with  a silver  knife — but  eaten  with  the  fingers; 
apples  and  peaches  should  always  be  peeled  be- 
fore eating.  In  eating  that  awkward  fruit,  an 
orange,  divide  it  into  eighths,  or  into  halves, 
and  eat  with  a spoon  in  the  Florida  fashion. 

The  dessert  is  followed  by  liquors,  which 
should  be  passed  on  a salver  and  poured  into 
very  small  glasses.  If  the  dinner  has  been  a 
very  long  one — and  sometimes  the  meal  lasts 
from  seven  until  half-past  ten — coffee  is  not 
served  at  the  table,  but  in  the  parlor.  The  gen- 
tlemen remain  in  the  dining-room  to  smoke, 
after  the  ladies  have  withdrawn,  and  the  two 
parties  take  their  coffee  separately  half  an  hour 
or  so  after  dinner.  If  it  is  an  early  dinner, 
and  a theater  or  opera  party  follows,  coffee  is 
served  at  the  table. 

When  the  dinner  is  over  the  hostess  bows  to 
the  lady  at  the  right  of  the  host,  rises,  and  all 
rise  also.  The  gentlemen  stand  until  the  ladies 
have  left  the  apartment,  or  they  conduct  them 
to  the  door  and  then  return  to  smoke,  or  retire 
to  another  room  for  that  purpose. 

After  coffee,  guests  may,  at  any  time,  take 
their  leave,  and  all  depart  within  two  hours 
after  dinner.  If  a person  is  obliged  to  leave 
early,  the  hostess  is  informed,  if  possible,  before 
dinner,  and  the  guest  may  then  depart,  without 
any  formal  leaving  taking,  as  the  departure  of 
one  often  breaks  up  the  party. 

And  this  ends  the  dinner  of  ceremony. 

But  there  are  dinners  and  dinners,  and  pos- 
sibly the  simpler  ones,  prepared  in  the  house 


TH£:  BEST  SOCIETY,  Q9 

and  served  by  the  servants  of  the  family,  if  the 
least  expensive,  are  the  most  enjoyable. 

To  achieve  success  in  giving  a dinner,  it  is 
well  to  remember  that  quantity  is  not  quality 
and  profusion  is  not  elegance.  A dinner  of  six 
courses  may  be  delightful  and  enjoyable,  while 
one  of  fifteen  or  twenty,  may  be  an  utter  fail- 
ure. 


lOO 


THE  USAGES  OF 


CHAPTER  X. 

TABLE  DECORATION. 

The  most  pleasing  phase  of  the  art  mania  of 
the  day  to  an  educated  house  mistress  is  the 
great  importance  attached  to  decoration  for  the 
table.  Hence  a woman,  though  she  can  neither 
paint  nor  embroider,  may  have  full  scope  for  any 
artistic  talent  lying  dormant  in  her  nature. 

Formerly  when  massive  center  pieces,  filled 
with  a variety  of  flowers  were  the  only  orna- 
ments of  a table,  ladies  gave  but  little  attention 
to  the  arrangement,  provided  there  was  a cer- 
tain amount  of  symmetry  in  the  mass,  and  a 
few  ferns  or  waving  grasses  striking  out  at  in- 
tervals to  relieve  the  more  solid  part.  Now, 
artists  who  have  made  a name  in  their  profes- 
sion do  not  think  it  beneath  them  to  superin- 
tend the  decorative  part  of  the  dinner  table,  and 
such  anomalies  as  a cabbage-like  dahlia  resting 
on  a delicate  spray  of  maidenhair,  or  an  ex- 
quisite gloire  de  dijon  overshadowed  by  a red  and 
yellow  tulip  are  all  things  of  the  past. 

For  extensive  decoration,  unless  flowers  that 
blend  well  can  be  procured,  nothing  is  so  effect- 
ive as  a mass  of  the  same  flowers — violets,  prim- 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


lOI 


roses,  forget-me-nots,  can  all  be  massed  and  made 
to  look  so  very  lovely.  Trails  of  ivy  down  the 
length  of  a table  are  very  effective,  but  in  a 
heated  room  they  smell  unpleasantly. 

All  flowers  with  a strong  or  peculiar  odor 
should  be  avoided  as  they  spoil  the  appetite  of 
a very  delicate  or  sensitive  person.  For  a small 
table  and  a small  party,  it  is  best  not  to  overdo 
decoration.  A bed  of  moss  in  the  center  looks 
well  with  flowers  put  in  naturally  as  if  growing, 
and  the  dessert  placed  in  and  out  in  low  dishes, 
with  the  prettiest  bits  of  moss  arranged  among 
the  layers  of  the  fruit.  The  moss  must  be  very 
damp,  and  to  prevent  injury  to  the  table  cover, 
a piece  of  oiled  silk  is  used.  The  latter  must  be 
carefully  spread  out  to  dry  before  it  is  put  away, 
and  the  moss  should  be  immured  in  water,  when 
it  will  last  for  many  weeks,  and  answer  the  same 
purpose  again  and  again. 

Clusters  of  primroses,  long  sprays  of  violets 
and  leaves,  or  any  small  pretty  woodland  flower 
comes  in  for  this  style  of  decoration;  even  pretty 
and  graceful  leaves  alone,  are  not  to  be  despised 
when  other  adornment  is  impossible. 

Strips  of  velvet,  satin  or  plush  look  handsome 
on  a table,  when  the  blossoms  laid  on  them  con- 
trast or  harmonize  well  with  the  ground.  For- 
get-me-nots on  blue  plush  with  sprays  of  pale, 
pink  roses  are  charming;  not  arranged  in  straight 
line,  but  with  a circular  center  and  four  arms 
radiating  from  it  toward  the  corners  of  the 
table.  Of  course  this  style  requires  perfect 
flowers,  as  they  must  lie  as  they  are  cut.  Moss 
can  very  prettily  be  substituted  for  the  plush; 


102 


THE  USAGES  OF 


then  bits  of  maidenhair  fern  and  flowers  that 
grow  close  to  a central  stalk,  such  as  hyacinths 
and  lilies  can  be  used,  each  separate  flower  be- 
ing inserted  in  the  moss. 

A pretty  decoration  for  a lunch-table  is  to  put 
the  moss  in  the  shape  of  a St.  Andrew’s  cross 
studded  all  over  with  common  field  daisies;  be- 
tween the  arms  of  the  cross,  put  slender  green 
vases  holding  daisies. 

The  glass  troughs  made  in  semi-circular  and 
line  forms  are  very  useful,  as  they  can  be  ar- 
ranged with  flowers  in  several  different  ways. 
Shallow  oval  or  circular  glass  plates  are  still 
more  useful,  as  they  can  be  placed  here  and 
there  among  dessert  dishes.  Another  pretty 
fancy  is  to  have  tiny  gilded  wicker  baskets  dot- 
ted about  the  table,  half  full  of  wet  sand.  Place 
moss  on  the  plates  and  then  put  in  light  and 
graceful  blossoms,  as  lily-of-the-valley,  cycla- 
men or  hawbells,  etc.,  mixing  them  with  delicate 
blades  of  grass  and  fern.  Daffodils,  with  their 
rich  gold  color,  are  too  pretty  to  be  passed 
over,  but  are  better  fitted  for  lighting  up  a dark 
corner  in  a room  than  for  the  dinner-table.  If 
they  are  used  for  the  table,  they  should  be  placed 
in  a tall  jar  or  vase,  as  a short-stalked  daffodil 
is  an  anomaly.  The  tint  of  the  jar  should  be  in 
harmony  with  the  flower,  a rich  moss  green  or 
a deep  brown.  One  of  the  prettiest  combina- 
tions of  color  is  got  by  mixing  dark  wall  flowers 
and  daffodils  in  the  same  vase. 

The  simplest  and  seemingly  most  insignificant 
flower  that  grows  can  be  made  to  look  lovely  in 
a room,  with  a little  care  and  taste  in  arranging 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY  103 

and  no  table  should  be  without  a few  flowers. 
Their  presence  is  especially  welcomed  at  the 
breakfast-table,  and  may  prove  a pleasant  inspi- 
ration for  the  day. 

A pretty  fancy  in  floral  decorations  for  a din 
ner-table  is  to  have  roses  of  different  colors,  with 
the  long  stems  and  leaves,  laid  around  the  edge 
of  the  table.  For  instance,  one  large  rose  beside 
each  plate,  a red,  white,  yellow,  and  so  on,  the 
stem  of  one  flower  touching  the  leaves  of  another. 
On  the  very  edge  of  the  table  is  a border  of 
smilax.  The  central  flower  decoration  is  now 
often  omitted.  That  roses  and  pinks,  violets 
and  lilies  should  be  used,  goes  without  saying; 
for  they  are  always  delightful.  A very  pretty 
effect  is  obtained  by  arranging  the  flowers,  usu- 
ally roses,  in  jars  and  bowls  of  dark-red,  lus- 
trous china. 

For  a dinner-table,  there  is  no  light  to  be  com- 
pared to  the  soft  radiance  of  plenty  of  candles. 
They  should  be  in  brackets  tall  enough  to  be 
above  the  level  of  the  eyes,  and  should  be  of  a 
kind  that  does  not  flicker  nor  run.  The  light 
from  the  sideboard  and  sides  of  the  room  should 
be  sufficient  to  prevent  shadows  from  being  cast 
on  the  table.  Everybody  and  everything  looks 
so  much  better  in  the  mild  light  of  wax  or  com- 
posite, it  is  worth  while  trying  to  have  it. 

Two  large  silver  candelabra,  holding  perhaps 
a dozen  candles  apiece,  should  be  placed  at 
either  end  of  the  center-piece.  These  contain  the 
finest  of  wax  candles,  which  are  lighted  just  be- 
fore dinner  is  served.  Near  the  ends  of  the 
table  are  smaller  candelabra,  with  a half  dozen 


104 


THE  [/SAGES  OF 


candles,  each  having  a rose-colored  shade  sup- 
ported by  a silver  rod,  which  clasps  the  candle 
near  the  bottom.  The  nuts,  sugar-plums,  and 
candied  fruits  in  silver  vases  with  centers  of  cut 
glass  are  also  a part  of  the  table  decoration,  and 
are  arranged  on  both  sides  of  the  table. 

TABLE  ETIQUETTE. 

People  who  are  otherwise  very  well  bred  often 
make  little  mistakes  in  their  manners  at  the 
table,  not  because  they  do  not  really  know  any 
better,  but  because  they  do  not  consider  table 
etiquette  of  enough  importance  to  be  fully  posted 
in  its  fashions  and  changes,  and  think  that  if 
they  do  not  put  their  knives  in  their  mouths,  and 
do  not  drink  soup  from  the  end  of  their  spoons, 
they  are  behaving  properly. 

Now  this  is  a mistake.  Etiquette  at  the  table 
should  be  very  closely  observed;  for  there  is 
nothing  that  marks  the  true  lady  or  gentleman, 
the  really  well-bred  man  or  woman,  as  his  or  her 
manners  at  the  table. 

How  often  has  it  been  our  luck  to  see  people 
whom  we  have  fondly  imagined  the  perfection 
of  good  breeding,  act  in  a manner  at  the  table 
that  has  thoroughly  disgusted  us,  and  dispelled 
all  our  fond  illusions.  On  the  other  hand,  it  has 
been  our  good  fortune  to  meet  a man  or  woman 
whose  manners  have  not  impressed  us  as  being 
particularly  polished  or  high-bred,  but  who,  at 
the  table,  would  behave  with  such  delicacy  and 
perfection  of  manners  that  he  or  she  would  at 
once  be  set  down  as  having  much  good  breed- 
ing.” 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


105 


The  trouble  with  us  Americans  is  that  we  are 
in  entirely  too  much  of  a hurry  with  everything 
we  do.  We  live  at  a railroad  speed,  and  when- 
ever we  can  we  eat  correspondingly  fast.  Some 
of  us  do  this  to  save  time;  others,  because  it  is  a 
habit.  Oftentimes,  at  dinner,  one  will  see  his 
neighbor  eating  away,  as  if  his  very  life  depended 
upon  his  swallowing  a certain  amount  of  food  in 
a certain  number  of  minutes.  This  habit  of  eat- 
ing fast — aside  from  its  being  very  ill-bred — is  a 
very  bad  one.  It  ruins  the  digestion,  brings  on 
a number  of  diseases,  and  really  shortens  the 
life  of  any  one  who  continually  practices  it. 

In  the  first  place,  one  of  the  fundamental  rules 
to  observe  is  the  manner  of  sitting  down  at  the 
table.  One  should  not  sit  on  the  edge  of  her 
chair;  nor  sideways;  nor  should  her  back  rest 
continually  on  the  back  of  her  chair.  An  easy, 
upright  position  is  the  proper  one.  The  feet 
should  rest  on  the  floor,  and  one  should  sit  far 
enough  away  from  her  plate  to  enable  her  to  use 
her  knife  and  fork  without  awkwardness. 
Though  it  is  generally  supposed  that  every  one 
calling  himself  well-bred  knows  that  in  using  the 
knife  and  fork,  a movement  of  the  wrist,  and  not 
of  the  elbow,  is  the  proper  thing,  we  occasional- 
ly see  people  using  their  elbows  vigorously.  The 
handle  of  the  knife  should  repose  in  the  center 
of  the  hand,  and  no  part  of  the  hand  should 
touch  the  knife  above  the  handle.  In  using  a 
fork,  only  the  half  of  the  handle  is  covered  by 
the  hand. 

You  must  not  break  bread  into  soup,  nor  tip 


THE  USAGES  OF 


io6 

the  soup  plate,  as  the  last  mouthful  must  not  be 
devoured. 

An  egg  must  not  be  broken  into  a cup  or 
glass,  but  eat  it  always  from  the  shell. 

While  certain  forms  of  table  etiquette  may 
seem  altogether  conventional,  even  fantastic,  the 
forms  usually  observed  are  founded  on  good 
sense  and  delicacy  of  feeling,  and  the  failure  to 
adopt  them  argues  a lack  of  fine  perceptions  or 
social  insight.  One  of  these  is  eating  or  drink- 
ing audibly.  No  sensitive  person  can  hear  any 
one  taking  his  soup,  coffee  or  other  liquid  with^ 
out  positive  annoyance. 

Let  your  teaspoon  remain  in  your  saucer,  not 
in  your  cup.  It  is  proper  to  drink  from  the  cup 
and  not  from  the  spoon. 

Eat  nothing  with  a spoon  that  can  be  eaten 
with  a fork.  All  pies  are  eaten  with  a fork  only^ 
and  all  puddings  except  custards.  Jellies,  no 
matter  how  hard,  are  not,  however,  eaten  with  a 
fork,  but  with  a spoon;  but  cheese  is  eaten  with 
a fork.  Ladies  seldom  take  cheese  at  a dinner 
party.  Ices  should  always  be  eaten  with  a fork. 

Celery,  olives,  and  radishes  are  always  eaten 
with  the  fingers.  Celery  is  now  served  in  low 
vegetable-like  dishes,  and  not  in  a tall  glass. 

Jelly  or  vegetables  should  not  be  served  on 
small  separate  plates. 

A whole  slice  of  bread  or  biscuit  or  muffin 
should  not  be  buttered  at  once.  Small  pieces 
should  be  broken  and  a bit  of  butter  put  on  as 
they  are  eaten,  one  by  one.  All  bread  should  be 
broken  and  not  cut. 

When  passing  the  plate  a second  time,  the 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY.  107 

knife  and  fork  are  retained,  or  the  knife  only. 
But  at  a ceremonious  dinner,  no  one  passes  his 
plate — the  servant  brings  the  food  to  the  guest; 
but  at  an  informal  dinner,  the  knife  and  fork  (or 
knife  only)  are  held  in  one  hand  while  passing 
the  plate.  Do  not  ask  your  neighbor  to  pass 
anything  to  you  if  there  is  a servant  present. 

A steel  knife  is  never  used  for  fish.  A silver 
one  should  be  placed  by  the  side  of  each  plate 
for  the  fish  course,  or  the  bits  of  fish  taken  up 
with  the  fork  and  a morsel  of  bread. 

A wine-glass  is  held  by  the  stem,  and  not  by 
the  bowl. 

If  a napkin  ring  is  given,  the  napkin  is  folded 
and  placed  in  it;  but  if  not,  the  napkin  is  left 
unfolded  at  the  left  side  of  the  plate. 

As  a hostess,  do  not  press  food  upon  a guest. 
As  a guest,  you  need  not  thank  host  or  hostess 
for  your  dinner;  but  on  leaving,  it  is  only  polite 
to  express  pleasure  in  the  entertainment. 

The  dining-room  must  not  be  too  warm  nor 
the  lights  too  glaring,  if  a hostess  wishes  her 
dinner  to  be  a success.  These  matters  require 
attention,  and  are  almost  as  important  as  that 
the  cook  be  good  and  the  company  congenial. 
People  experienced  in  dinner  giving  are  apt  to 
neglect  the  regulation  of  temperature.  A chilly 
atmosphere  will  paralyze  all  the  conversation, 
and  an  over-heated  room  is  equally  bad.  The 
temperature  of  the  room  should  be  neither  below 
sixty-eight  nor  above  seventy  degrees. 

The  invention  of  the  extension  table  in  our 
long  narrow  dining-rooms  has  led  to  the  expul- 
sion of  the  pretty  round  table,  which  is  of  all 


io8  THE  USAGES  OF 

others,  the  most  cheerful.  If  any  lady  has  a 
large  square  room,  she  should  have  a round 
table.  The  extension  table,  however,  is  almost 
inevitable,  and  one  of  the  ordinary  size,  with  two 
leaves  folded,  will  seat  twelve  people.  Every 
additional  leaf  gives  room  for  four  more  people. 

Iced  lemonade  is  far  more  satisfying  and 
agreeable,  on  a sultry  day,  if  served  in  small, 
thin  glasses,  from  a pretty  punch  bowl,  than 
when  poured  from  a pitcher  into  the  old-fash- 
ioned goblet.  There  are  families,  though,  who 
haven’t  the  punch-bowl,  and  cannot  afford  to 
buy  it.  In  one  such  household  a soup  tureen 
belonging  to  an  old  set  of  blue  china  supplies  its 
place  effectively,  and  with  dainty  glasses  on  an 
attractive  Japanese  tray,  the  cooling  beverage 
does  much  to  make  a hastily  prepared  lunch  sat- 
isfying to  the  aesthetic  sense,  as  well  as  the 
material  appetite  of  the  unexpected  guest. 

There  is  something  graceful  and  kindly  in  the 
little  attention  by  which  one  guest  silently  puts 
by  his  neighbor  all  that  he  may  require. 

I consider  it  a better  opentng  to  ultimate 
friendship,  if  my  unknown  neighbor  quietly 
passes  me  the  salt,  or  silently  understands  that 
I like  sugar  to  my  soup,  than  if  he  had  been  in- 
troduced by  his  full  name  and  title,  and  labelled 
with  the  one  distinguishing  action  or  book  of  his 
life.” 

With  regard  to  the  size  of  plates  and  meat 
dishes,  we  cannot  do  better  than  copy  the 
French.  A roast  fowl  requires  a small  oval  dish; 
a pair  of  fowls,  a wide  one;  a fillet  of  veaL  a 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY.  log 

round  dish;  game  without  gravy,  a flat  one;  a 
roast,  a dish  with  a well. 

Single  specimens  of  tall  flowers  are,  for  table 
decoration,  the  most  interesting.  As  much  as 
possible  of  the  plant  should  be  shown,  therefore 
glass  is  better  than  china. 

It  is  a great  merit  in  a dessert  service  to  have 
a large  variety  of  shapes  in  the  dishes.  A long, 
narrow  tray  makes  a pleasant  variety.  The  open 
wicker-work  of  the  basket-shaped  dish  lets  the 
lovely  colors  of  a peach  or  ripe  apple  peep 
through. 

Water  and  salt  should  be  within  the  reach  of 
everybody  at  the  table,  and  should  never  require 
to  be  passed. 

Glass  always  seems  the  appropriate  material 
of  which  to  make  a vessel  for  holding  water. 
Salt  also  seems  to  look  best  in  glass.  Among 
half  a dozen  salt  cellars  on  a table,  there  need  be 
no  two  quite  alike;  but  all  should  come  under 
the  rule  which  prescribes  that  they  are  emptied 
after  every  meal. 

Cruet  stands  are  convenient,  but  we  much 
prefer  to  see  mustard  and  pepper  in  small  de- 
tached vessels  at  various  places  on  the  table. 

By  attention  to  small  details,  a very  humble 
repast  may  be  most  elegant.  A silver  bread- 
basket for  the  thin  slices  of  bread,  a pretty  cheese 
dish,  a napkin  around  the  cheese,  pats  of  butter 
in  a pretty  dish,  flowers  in  vases,  fruits  neatly 
served.  These  things  cost  little,  but  they  add  a 
zest  to  the  pleasures  of  the  table. 

The  tablecloth  should  be  of  white  damask,  for 


no 


THE  USAGES  OF 


dinner;  colored  cloths  are  permissible  only  for 
tea  and  breakfast. 

Breakfast  napkins  are  of  a smaller  size  than 
dinner  napkins. 

Large,  white  napkins  are  invariably  used  at 
luncheon.  Very  little  starch  should  be  put  in 
napkins.  No  one  wishes  to  wipe  a delicate  lip 
on  a board;  and  a stiff  napkin  is  very  like  that 
commodity. 

At  a fashionable  meal  the  napkin,  at  the  end 
of  the  repast,  is  left  unfolded.  At  a social  tea 
or  breakfast,  if  the  hostess  folds  her  napkin,  the 
guests  follow  her  example. 

At  a fashionable  dinner  no  one  folds  his  nap- 
kin. 

Ostentatious  display  of  silver  is  bad  taste  at  a 
country  dinner.  Glass  dishes  are  much  more 
elegant  and  appropriate. 

Goblets  should  be  placed  right  side  up. 

A half  ladleful  of  soup  is  enough  to  serve,  un- 
less it  is  a country  dinner,  where  a full  ladleful 
may  be  given  without  offence;  but  do  not  fill  the 
soup-plate. 

In  using  a spoon^  be  very  careful  not  to  put  it 
too  far  into  the  mouth. 

Avoid  the  appearance  of  self-engrossment  or  of 
abstraction  while  eating,  and  for  the  sake  of 
health  of  mind  and  body,  acquire  the  practice  of 
a cheerful  interchange  of  both  civilities  and 
ideas  with  those  who  may  be  even  temporarily 
your  associates. 

A gentleman,  at  dinner,  is  expected  to  be  very 
attentive  to  the  lady  at  his  right;  to  pass  any- 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


III 


thing  needful  to  the  lady  at  his  left,  and  to  be 
very  amiable  to  the  lady  opposite. 

A gentleman,  in  seating  himself  at  table,  should 
look  down  to  see  if  he  has  placed  the  foot  of  his 
chair  on  the  dress  of  the  lady  sitting  next  to 
him,  and  if  he  has  done  so,  he  must  remove  it 
instantly,  that  her  dress  may  not  be  torn  when 
she  attempts  to  rise. 

Never  overload  the  plate  of  a guest,  or  any 
person  you  would  serve.  It  is  not  a delicate 
compliment.  If  you  are  to  serve  game,  or  any 
rarity  of  which  the  supply  is  limited,  use  discre- 
tion, that  all  may  enjoy  some  of  it.  Never  press 
people  unduly  to  eat  or  drink. 

The  fork  should  never  be  overloaded.  It  is  an 
unhealthy  and  an  ill  mannered  habit  to  pack 
meat  and  vegetables  on  the  fork. 

A knife  and  fork  are  both  used  in  eating  salad, 
if  it  is  not  cut  up  before  serving.  A large  lettuce 
leaf  cannot  be  easily  managed  without  a knife, 
and,  of  course,  the  fork  must  be  used  to  carry  it 
to  the  mouth.  Thus,  as  bread,  butter  and  cheese 
are  served  with  the  salad,  the  knife  and  fork  are 
really  essential. 

For  a country  dinner,  the  table  should  be  set 
near  a window  or  windows,  if  possible;  in  fine 
weather,  in  the  hall  or  on  the  wide  veranda.  If 
the  veranda  has  long  windows  the  servant  can 
pass  in  and  out  easily. 

Soup  for  a country  dinner  should  be  clear 
bouillon,  with  macaroni  and  cheese,  or  julienne, 
which  has  in  it  all  the  vegetables  of  the  season. 
Heavy  mock-turtle,  bean  soup  or  ox-tail  soup 
are  not  in  order  for  a country  dinner.  The  soup 


112 


THE  USAGES  OF 


should  be  made  the  day  before,  and  all  the 
grease  removed  when  the  stock  is  cold. 

It  is  better  in  a country  house  to  have  some 
cold  dish  that  will  serve  as  a resource  if  the  cook 
should  leave. 

The  large  family  of  salads  help  to  make  the 
dinner  delightful.  The  lady  who  has  conquered 
the  salad  question  may  laugh  at  the  caprices  of 
cooks.  What  is  as  good  as  an  egg  salad  for  a 
hungry  company?  Boil  the  eggs  hard  and  slice 
them,  cover  with  a mayonnaise  dressing,  and  put 
a few  lettuce  leaves  about  the  plate,  and  you 
have  a sustaining  meal. 

For  desserts  there  is  an  almost  endless  succes- 
sion, and  with  cream  in  her  dairy  and  an  ice- 
cream freezer  in  her  kitchen,  the  housekeeper 
must  not  lack  delicate  and  delicious  dishes.  No 
hot  puddings  should  be  served,  or  heavy  pies. 
Cold  custards,  charlotte  russe,  and  creams  stif- 
fened with  gelatine  and  delicately  flavored  are 
very  nice  for  a summer  dinner. 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


113 


CHAPTER  XI. 

LUNCHEONS,  BREAKFASTS  AND  TEAS. 

Luncheon,  or  dijtuner  a la  four  chette  is  rather  a 
lady’s  meal,  although  in  reality  invitations  are 
given  as  generally  to  the  one  sex  as  to  the  other. 
The  predominance  of  ladies  at  luncheon  is  due 
to  the  fact  that  the  majority  of  youths  and  men 
are  too  much  engaged  at  this  hour  of  the  day  to 
be  at  liberty  to  accept  invitations  to  luncheon. 
This  institution  of  luncheon  is  invaluable  to 
people  who  have  many  friends,  acquaintances 
and  relatives  to  entertain,  as  invitations  to  this 
meal  are  given  for  any  day  in  the  week,  visits  or 
without  ceremony,  with  long  notice  or  short 
notice,  or  on  the  spur  of  the  moment. 

People  are  flattered  at  being  asked  to  lunch- 
eon. They  consider  it  friendly  and  sociable,  and 
accepting  such  invitations  entails  neither  trouble 
nor  expense.  Ladies  can  enjoy  the  society  of 
their  hostess  far  more  than  at  dinners.  At 
luncheon  she  makes  general  conversation  with 
all  her  guests;  at  the  latter  she  is  monopolized 
by  the  one  or  two  who  are  seated  near  her. 

The  invitations  to  luncheon  are  generally 
written  by  the  hostess  on  her  own  note-paper,  in 
a very  informal  style. 


THE  USAGES  OF 


114 

If  the  luncheon,  however,  is  to  be  one  of  cer^ 
emony,  then  there  is  no  choice,  the  invitations 
must  be  engraved  and  sent  out  a week  before 
the  day  appointed,  and  answered  immediately, 
as  they  are  of  importance,  and  require  as  prompt 
attention  as  the  imperative  dinner  invitations, 
for  should  you  decline  another  may  be  invited  in 
your  place.  A lady  having  accepted  an  invita- 
tion to  a luncheon,  must  not  absent  herself  with- 
out some  good  reason,  nor  must  she  neglect  the 
after  call,  which  it  is  necessary  to  make  upon 
the  hostess  within  the  week,  or  uoon  her  first  re- 
ception day. 

Usually,  ladies  only  receive  invitations  to  a 
luncheon  party,  although  gentlemen  are  occa- 
sionally invited.  The  following  is  an  appropri- 
ate form  for  the  hostess  to  use: 

Mrs.  Brown 

requests  the  pleasure  of  your  company  at  luncheon 
on  Tuesday.,  February  fifth., 

to  meet  {^possibly  the  party  is  given  for  a friendi) 
Miss , 


One  d clock.  95  Sussex  Place, 

Walking  or  carriage  Costumes  are  worn,  and 
bonnets  may  be  retained;  gloves  are  removed  at 
the  table. 

Ladies  wno  are  intimate  with  the  hostess,  ar- 
rive about  thirty  minutes  before  the  luncheon 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY,  ii5 

hour,  to  enjoy  a little  chat  with  her.  There  is 
no  formal  going  in  to  lunch;  the  hostess  leads 
the  way  to  the  dining-room,  with  the  honored 
guest  on  her  right;  the  ladies  go  down  together, 
chatting  the  while;  the  gentlemen  follow.  When 
gentlemen  are  present,  they  seat  themselves  by 
the  ladies;  but  all  formality  is  dispensed  with. 
The  host  and  hostess,  however,  retain  their  places 
at  the  top  and  bottom  of  the  table,  as  at  dinner. 

In  some  houses,  the  servants  waii  at  table,  in 
others  a sort  of  compromise  is  made,  and  the 
servants  remain  only  a part  of  the  time,  and 
after  they  leave  the  room,  the  guests  wait  upon 
themselves  and  each  other. 

The  luncheon  table  must  be  decked  with 
flowers,  which,  however,  are  not  arranged  in 
very  particular  order,  but  in  charming  confusion. 
Favors  are  occasionally  provided  for  the  ladies; 
for  instance,  gilded  straw  gondolas  filled  with 
roses,  satin  bags  of  bonbons,  or  fans,  each  one 
decorated  with  the  monogram  of  the  person  for 
whom  it  is  intended. 

Menus  are  not  necessary,  although  often  used, 
and  the  luncheon,  like  a dinner,  may  be  served 
a la  Russe,  and  often  as  many  courses  are  pro- 
vided as  for  a dinner. 

There  are  fewer  wines,  and  the  bouillon  is  put 
in  cups.  The  soup  is  followed  by  rissoles  of 
sweetbreads,  cutlets  with  Saratoga  potatoes, 
oyster  croquettes,  hot  rolls,  muffins,  ices,  fruit 
and  coffee. 

If  the  luncheon  is  very  informal,  a cold  one  is 
more  often  prepared,  and  is,  of  course,  much 
more  convenient.  The  menu  would  include  lob- 


THE  USAGES  OF 


Ii6 

Star  and  chicken  salad,  cold  ham  and  pressed 
meats,  ices,  blanc-mange,  tea  and  coffee,  and  an 
etc.,  which  means  that  each  housekeeper  has  her 
own  particular  dishes,  and  it  is  unnecessary  for 
another  to  attempt  to  give  any  bill  of  fare;  al- 
though one  might,  byway  of  addenda^  suggest 
paid  de  fois  gras,  sandwiches,  and  cake. 

Some  ladies  are  inconsiderate  enough  to  pro- 
long their  stay  after  luncheon  an  indefinite  time. 
Having  no  particular  engagements  themselves, 
they  are  quite  oblivious  of  those  of  their  hostess. 

The  most  polite  thing  to  do  is  to  leave  within 
ten  minutes  or  so  after  quitting  the  dining-room. 
Leave-taking  should  always  be  as  short  as  pos- 
sible. 

While  usually  ladies  only  are  invited  to  a 
luncheon,  both  ladies  and  gentlemen  may  be 
guests  at  a breakfast  party.  The  hour  for  a for- 
mal affair  of  this  kind,  is  ten  or  a half  hour  later. 
The  invitations  are  sent  out  five  days  before  the 
one  named  for  the  breakfast,  and  are  informal 
notes,  or  if  writing  cards  are  used,  below  the 
name  is  written: 

Breakfast  Tuesday  at  ten  d clock, 

March  4th. 

The  invitations  require  an  immediate  acknowl- 
edgement and  a call  within  ten  days  after  the  en- 
tertainment. A breakfast  is  even  a more  infor- 
mal meal  than  a luncheon,  and  is  attended  with 
little  or  no  ceremony.  The  table  cannot  be  too 
dainty  in  all  its  appointments.  The  dishes 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


117 

nutritive,  succulent,  inviting  to  the  palate.  The 
charm  of  variety  is  not  neglected,  but  nothing 
heavy  or  excessive  in  quantity  should  be  pre- 
pared. Jiblets  and  cream  and  pomegranates  may 
be  numbered  with  the  hors  d'  oeuvres  or  delica- 
cies. If  the  breakfast  is  a feast,  not  elaborate, 
but  falling  little  short  of  it,  the  courses  are 
served  as  for  a dinner,  but  less  in  number. 

The  same  courtesy  between  the  hosts  and  their 
guests  is  observed  as  for  a dinner.  The  host 
conducts  the  eldest  lady,  or  if  the  host  is  not 
present,  the  lady  of  the  house  leads  the  way  to 
the  breakfast-room  accompanied  by  a guest — 
either  a lady  or  a gentleman. 

If  ladies  and  gentlemen  are  equal  in  number, 
the  hostess  arranges  for  partners  at  table;  and 
in  case  there  are  a number  of  guests,  cards  are 
placed  at  the  proper  plates,  where  every  person 
will  find  his  or  her  name.  If  there  are  only  a 
few  gentlemen  present,  ladies  are  informed  of 
their  lady  partners  by  the  hostess,  and  they  seek 
their  assigned  positions  at  table  as  usual.  Af- 
ter returning  to  the  drawing-room,  the  guests 
depart  within  half  an  hour.  Nowadays,  even  at 
breakfast,  the  tea  and  coffee  are  often  passed 
from  a side  table,  although  many  ladies  prefer 
to  preside  over  their  own  coffee  urns,  and  enjoy 
the  hospitality  which  this  attention  to  their 
friends  suggest. 


TEAS. 

Teas  are  as  English  in  origin  as  kettle-drums, 
but  without  their  formality  and  stateliness.  In 
England  it  is  the  custom  for  the  ladies  and  gen- 


Ii8 


THE  USAGES  OF 


tlemen  of  a family  to  assemble  and  take  a cup 
of  tea  before  dressing  for  dinner.  Imported  to 
America,  the  afternoon  tea  is  an  informal  recep- 
tion, and  a very  favorite  way  of  entertaining 
one’s  friends.  Some  one  says  it  is  useful  as  the 
occasion  for  a rendezvous,  an  informal  and  easy 
grouping  of  people  who  have  leisure  and  who 
long  for  a pleasant  chat  to  round  off  the  sharp- 
ness of  the  morning’s  experience.” 

As  very  numerous  rather  than  very  costly  hos- 
pitalities are  becoming  more  fashionable,  teas, 
which  are  entertainments  very  easily  prepared, 
increase  in  favor. 

A lady  sends  out  her  visiting  card  with  the 
name  of  the  day  when  she  will  be  at  home  to  her 
friends  written  under  her  name,  as  follows: 

Thursdays  in  February^ 

Tea  at  4 d clock. 


or, 

Four  d clock  tea., 

Tuesday,  February  fifth. 

These  invitations  require  no  answers,  nor  are 
after-calls  made,  as  teas  are  little  more  than 
grand  calling  days  ; those  who  cannot  attend 
usually  consider  it  necessary  to  call  as  soon  after 
the  entertainment  as  convenient,  and  those  who 
are  present  leave  cards  in  the  hall.  Ladies  wear 
handsome  walking  or  carriage  costumes,  but  do 
not  wear  full  dress. 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY,  119 

The  refreshments  are  of  a light  nature,  and  all 
ostentation  is  avoided.  The  tea,  with  its  pretty 
service,  is  placed  on  a side  table  with  a pitcher 
of  milk  for  those  who  prefer  it  to  tea,  and  pos- 
sibly chocolate  is  provided,  with  some  very  thin 
sandwiches,  a basket  of  sweet  biscuits,  and  an- 
other of  cake.  These  refreshments  are  usually 
served  to  the  guests  by  the  lady  of  the  house, 
with  a daughter  or  some  friend  assisting,  if  the 
number  of  guests  is  small.  Some  hostesses  in- 
vite a few  young  girls  of  their  acquaintance  to 
serve  their  guests  with  refreshments  and  to  en- 
tertain them  while  they  are  drinking  their  tea, 
or  the  lady  of  the  house  receives  her  guests  at 
the  table,  where  she  presides,  and  the  tea  is 
passed  on  a tray  by  the  maid.  The  usual  hours 
for  the  reception  are  from  four  to  six  o’clock. 

Flowers  must  always  be  used  to  decorate  every 
table.  For  breakfasts  and  teas  little  clusters  of 
flowers  in  small  vases  are  in  better  taste  than 
the  stately  center-piece,  which  must  crown  a din- 
ner table. 

There  is  little  if  anything  more  to  be  said  of 
these  unceremonious  but  exceedingly  pleasant 
affairs.  A greeting,  a cup  of  tea,  a little  harm- 
less gossip,  a farewell,  and  that  is  all.  Formal 
adieux,.  however,  between  the  hostess  and  her 
guests  are  not  necessary  nor  expected;  each  one 
departs  without  a ceremonious  leave-taking. 
Most  English  ladies  and  many  Americans  always 
have  tea  served  in  their  sitting-rooms  every  day, 
and  any  one  calling  is  expected  to  drink  a cup. 

Ladies  usually  think  it  incumbent  on  them  to 
take  a cup  of  tea  when  it  is  offered.  For  one 


120 


THE  [/SAGES  OF 


thing,  it  seems  unsociable  to  refuse,  and  to  do  so 
involves  making  trivial  explanations  as  ta  the 
whys  and  wherefores  of  the  refusal.  They  never 
drink  tea  in  the  afternoon,  or  the  doctor  has 
ordered  them  not  to,  or  they  have  already  had 
some  tea.  It  is  always  easier  to  take  a cup  than 
to  go  into  these  unimportant  details.  Of  course, 
if  a lady  does  not  drink  tea,  as  a rule,  she  does 
not  hesitate  to  say  so.  We  draw  upon  the  Rus- 
sians for  many  of  our  customs  connected  with 
the  dinner-table,  but  we  have  not  yet  taken 
kinly  to  their  idea  of  tea  drinking.  That  is  to 
say,  to  the  substitution  of  lemons  for  sugar  and 
cream,  ‘‘fragrant  pill  and  a hint  of  acid.”  A 
slice  of  lemon,  neither  thick  nor  large.  This 
does  not  disguise  or  flatten  the  aroma  of  good 
tea,  as  do  the  conventional  additions — sugar  and 
cream — but  it  combines  with  it  and  heightens  it. 

But  there  are  high  teas  or  suppers,  always  the 
fashion  in  country  towns,  where  they  take  the 
place  of  the  grand  city  dinner;  and  within  the 
last  year  they  have  been  revived  in  the  cities,  or 
rather  during  the  summer  supper-parties  are  fre- 
quently given  at  the  different  fashionable  resorts. 
To  quote  from  a society  paper  on  this  subject, 
“After  a long  retirement  into  the  shades,  the 
supper-party,  the  ‘ sit-down  supper,'  once  so  dear 
to  our  ancestors,  has  been  again  revived.  Ladies 
of  society  at  Newport  have  found  that,  after  the 
hearty  luncheon  which  everybody  eats  there,  at 
one  or  at  three,  the  twelve  or  fourteen  course  din- 
ner at  seven  o’clock  is  too  much;  that  people  come 
home  reluctantly  from  their  ocean  drive  to  dress 
for  dinner  at  seven,  and  they  have  this  summer 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


121 


issued  invitations  to  supper  at  nine  or  half  past 
nine.  The  very  late  dinners  in  large  cities  have 
no  doubt  also  extinguished  the  supper  as  a fa- 
vorite entertainment;  but  there  is  no  reason  why 
suppers  should  not  be  in  fashion  in  the  country, 
or  where  people  dine  early,  as  many  do. 

In  England,  where  digestions  are  better  than 
they  are  here,  and  where  people  eat  more  heavily, 

the  supper  tray  ” is  an  institution,  and  suppers 
are  generally  spread  in  every  English  country 
house. 

The  same  service  is  proper  as  at  a dinner,  with 
the  single  exception  of  the  soup-plates,  which 
are  not  used,  as  the  bouillon  is  served  in  cups  with 
saucers.  But  there  is  the  same  procedure  as  to 
the  change  of  forks,  knives  and  plates;  after 
each  course  the  plates  are  removed  and  fresh 
ones  put  in  their  places.  The  table  must  not 
have  any  appearance  of  disorder;  but,  like  a din- 
ner-table, it  must  be  as  fresh  and  pleasant  a 
sight,  with  its  lights  and  flowers,  at  the  end  as 
at  the  beginning  of  the  feast. 

A large  center-piece  of  flowers  ornaments  the 
table,  set  with  fruit  and  bonbons  in  crystal 
dishes.  Two  kinds  of  wine,  in  handsome  decan- 
ters, can  be  placed  on  the  table.  The  wine 
should  be  either  Maderia,  or  sherry,  or  Burgun- 
dy. Champagne,  frappY  or  half  frozen,  is  also 
provided  with  punch  at  the  end  of  the  feast. 

It  is  on  the  supper-table  that  all  sorts  of  deli- 
cate and  dainty  dishes  apoear  with  all  things 
tasteful  and  appetizing. 

Oysters  on  the  shell  are  followed  by  bouillon., 
then  chicken  croquettes  or  sweetbreads  with 


122 


THE  USAGES  OF 


green  peas — no  vegetables  are  served  except 
green  peas — followed  by  some  sort  of  game — 
ducks,  grouse,  or  woodcock.  There  is  such  a 
thing  as  an  informal  supper,  of  course,  when  all 
the  dishes  are  put  on,  as  at  the  supper-table  of  a 
large  ball — meats,  dressed  salmon,  chicken  cro- 
quettes, salads,  jellies  and  ices — and  the  guests 
sit  down  to  it  and  eat  indiscriminately;  but  such 
is  not  the  true  “ sit  down  ” elegant  supper,  which 
has  its  courses  and  its  etiquette  and  its  removes, 
exactly  like  a dinner,  and  to  accomplish  which, 
with  the  corresponding  conversation,  was  the 
delight  of  our  grandmothers,  and  which  is  well 
worth  reviewing.  Oysters  are  invaluable  at  sup- 
per. Fried  oysters  make  a bad  odor  through 
the  house;  therefore,  they  are  not  so  convenient 
in  a small  private  house  as  scalloped  oysters, 
which  can  be  prepared  in  the  afternoon,  and 
which  send  forth  no  odor  as  they  are  being 
cooked.  Broiled  oysters  are  very  delicate,  and  a 
favorite  dish  at  an  informal  supper.  Beef,  ex- 
cept in  the  form  of  a filet,  is  never  served  at  a 
sit  down  supper,  and  even  a filet  is  rather  too 
heavy.  Lobster  in  every  form  is  a favorite  sup- 
per delicacy,  and  the  grouse,  snipe,  woodcock, 
^ teal,  canvas  back,  and  squab  on  toast  are  always 
in  order.  Salads  of  any  and  every  kind  are  al- 
ways provided  with  the  game  ; salads  for  sup- 
pers is  a rule  with  no  exceptions. 

With  the  ices  and  fruit,  champagne  is  passed, 
and  then  the  coffee.  For  the  informal  supper 
served  after  an  opera  or  theater  party,  all  the 
dishes  are  put  on  the  table  at  the  beginning. 
The  plain  supper  consists  of  a few  oysters,  some 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


123 


cold  chicken,  a plain  salad — one  of  primroses  it 
may  be,  for  they  are  said  to  make  a capital  salad 
— with  ice-cream  and  a glass  of  champagne,  a 
dish  of  fruit,  and  possibly  a half  dozen  roses  in 
a Venetian  glass.  The  ^‘cut-glass  bowls  of  ber- 
ries with  cream  in  silver  pitchers  of  quaint  de- 
vice ” belong  to  the  supper-table  of  a summers 
day  in  the  country. 


T24 


THE  USAGES  OF 


CHAPTER  XII. 

THE  ART  OF  ENTERTAINING. 

That  there  is  an  art  in  entertaining  one’s 
friends  no  one  can  for  a moment  dispute,  neither 
can  they  doubt  that  such  an  art  is  attained  by 
cultivation  and  care,  though  they  will  probably 
maintain,  and  with  reason,  that  it  is  a gift  pos- 
sessed by  comparatively  few  people,  and  that  in 
its  spontaniety  lies  its  chief  charm.  But  for 
people  who  do  not  naturally  possess  this  knack, 
it  is  necessary  to  analyze  the  art,  not  exactly  to 
lay  down  rules,  but  to  offer  suggestions  and  to 
try  to  find  out  what  are  the  chief  features  of  this 
most  enviable  accomplishment. 

How  often  on  returning  from  a friend’s  house 
we  have  said:  “What  a delightful  evening  this 
has  been.  Mrs.  A.  certainly  possesses  the  art  of 
giving  every  one  enjoyment;  her  manner  is 
charming  to  all.”  On  the  other  hand,  we  return 
from  a dull  house,  where  everything  is  done  en 
regle^  but  where  a predominant  sense  of  stupid- 
ity overwhelms  us,  and  if  we  are  at  all  sensitive 
to  externals,  marks  us  for  her  own.  What  con- 
stitutes the  difference  in  these  two  cases?  Main- 
ly the  manner  of  our  hostess.  Manner,  then,  is 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


125 


of  the  greatest  importance  in  determining  the 
success  or  failure  of  our  efforts  for  the  entertain^ 
ment  of  our  friends.  Some  speople  taboo  what 
is  called  good  manners;  they  maintain  that  if 
the  motive  be  good  it  matters  little  whether  the 
manner  be  graceful  or  rough.  School  girls  are 
often  of  this  opinion;  they  are  so  afraid  of  be- 
ing thought  young  ladyish  or  affected  that  they 
rush  to  the  opposite  extreme  and  think  them- 
selves true  and  straightforward,  if  rough  and 
ready. 

Shyness  and  self-consciousness  are  often  the 
real  causes  of  this  awkwardness;  but  before  ex- 
perience, these  gaucheries  disappear,  and  an  easy 
and  graceful  manner  is  often  the  result. 

Manner  may  in  itself  be  of  two  kinds — the 
manner  which  is  perfectly  well-bred  and  refined, 
but  withal  very  chilling,  and  the  manner  into 
which  is  infused  all  the  charm  of  a kindly,  hon- 
est, sunshiny  nature,  with  a sincere  regard  to 
please.  On  its  surface  it  leaves  the  stamp  of 
truth;  there  is  no  mere  veneer,  no  courtesy  put 
on,  but  a graciousness  of  speech  and  action  which 
flows  from  the  inner  being  and  is  always  there. 
As  well  as  manner,  tact,  that  happy  quality 
which  in  women  is  supposed  to  be  inborn,  plays 
a prominent  part  in  the  art  of  entertaining.  Tact 
enters  into  the  feelings  of  others  without  show- 
ing that  it  does  so;  it  anticipates  wishes,  and 
gives  them  fulfillment  almost  before  they  are 
wishes.  In  short,  it  is  useful  in  a thousand  in- 
stances, and  may  w^ell  be  called  another  sense. 

Perhaps  the  most  trying  mode  of  entertaining 
pur  friends  pleasantly,  is  at  a dinner-party;  but 


126 


THE  USAGES  OF 


by  taking  the  matter  into  consideration,  a host- 
ess can  usually  insure  enjoyment  and  satisfaction 
to  her  guests.  Care  should  be  taken  in  the  se- 
lection of  those  invited,  particularly  if  the  party 
be  a small  one,  with  a view  to  their  suiting  one 
another.  In  the  country,  where  some  people  do 
not  visit  with  other  people,  it  is  very  necessary 
to  study  the  situation  of  guests,  or  much  un- 
pleasant awkwardness  may  ensue.  Tact  and 
forethought  are  here  indispensable. 

In  the  parlor,  after  dinner,  a well-mannered 
hostess  will  be  careful  to  converse  with  all  her 
guests  in  turn,  instead  of  confining  herself  to 
one  or  two,  not  in  a stiff  or  studied  way,  but 
gracefully  and  naturally.  It  is  by  attending  to 
such  small  matters  that  success  is  assured.  After- 
dinner  parties,  perhaps  ‘‘  at  homes,”  require  the 
most  careful  management.  To  these  entertain- 
ments so  many  people  have  been  asked  that  the 
utmost  attention  the  hostess  can  show  her  guests 
is  to  receive  them,  and  exchange  a greeting  with 
each.  She  will,  however,  have  provided  before- 
hand for  this  comfort  by  seeing  that  there  is  due 
accommodations  for  them,  sufficient  chairs,  good 
music  (if  there  be  music),  and  as  little  crush  as 
possible.  If  the  visitors  are  forced  to  find  seats 
far  up  the  draughty  stairs,  if  they  get  wedged  in 
a crowd,  out  of  which  it  is  sheer  impossibility  to 
extricate  themselves,  while  to  add  to  their  dis- 
comfort there  is  a roar  of  conversation  and  a 
thunder  of  piano-forte  playing  (more  forte  than 
piano)  around  them,  they  will  wish  that  enter- 
tainment were  not  such  a hollow  mockery,  and 
make  their  escape  as  soon  as  circumstances  will 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


127 


permit;  that  is  to  saV,  as  soon  as  they  can  sepa- 
rate themselves  from  the  ^‘madding  crowd.” 

Picnics  well  planned  and  carried  out  are  de- 
lightful. The  host  and  hostess  will  so  arrange 
their  guests  that  th^y  blend  well  together,  so 
that  no  one  will  jar  with  any  one  else.  They 
will  decide  who  shall  drive  and  with  whom,  who 
ride,  and  where  all  shall  meet  if  the  visitors  are 
to  go  from  their  homes  to  the  place  of  the  ren- 
dezvous. When  the  chosen  place  is  reached,  let 
the  luncheon  hour  be  known,  and  let  all  then  dis- 
perse on  their  various  pleasure  quests. 

Exploring  parties  will  explore,  botanists  and 
geologists  will  pursue  thsir  favorite  researches, 
lovers  of  nature  will  sketch,  while  the  ‘‘poor 
wanderin’  lunatics  ” will  enjoy  themselves  after 
the  fashion  of  the  trio  who  were  encountered  by 
the  three  jovial  huntsmen.  Care  should  be  taken 
that  the  etceteras  of  the  luncheon  have  been 
properly  arranged  and  sent.  If  at  the  critical 
moment  when  all  have  assembled  for  luncheon, 
it  is  discovered  that  there  are  no  knives,  or  no 
forks,  or  that  some  important  item  is  left  behind, 
the  position  will  probably  be  a painful  one  to 
the  hostess. 

It  can  readily  be  seen  that  much  is  not  re- 
quired in  the  attainment  of  this  art  of  entertain- 
ing. For  instance,  how  much  enjoyment  can  be 
given  to  a friend  who,  perhaps,  spends  most 
other  days  and  hours  in  household  cares  and 
anxieties,  by  inviting  her  to  a quiet  little  lunch- 
eon or  afternoon  tea  She  need  not  make  much 
preparation  for  coming;  you  need  make  little 
for  receiving  her,  only  your  kindly  sympathy, 


128 


THE  C/SAGES  OF 


your  cheerful  manner  and  conversation  may  be 
an  oasis  of  peace  in  her  daily  life. 

There  is  an  art  in  listening  as  well  as  convers- 
ing. You  will  remember  this  when  she  is  with 
you  and  let  her,  if  she  will,  pour  out  to  you  some 
of  her  domestic  worries.  Do  not  do  the  same  to 
her.  Remember  you  are  entertaining  her,  and 
it  is  not  entertainment  to  hear  a person  grumble 
or  complain.  Only  be  sympathetic  and  cheer- 
ful, and  if  you  advise  be  practical. 

This,  however,  is  wandering  from  the  subject, 
but  only  with  the  wish  to  show  that,  above  all, 
the  root  of  success  lies  in  the  desire  to  please. 
It  is  said  that  the  English  are  the  best  hosts  in 
the  world,  for  they  are  masters  of  the  letting  alone 
system.  Important  points  to  consider  are  not  to 
neglect  a guest,  not  to  weary  her,  or  him,  by  top 
much  attention;  never  give  a visitor  the  impres- 
sion that  she  is  being  entertained,  but  allow  her 
the  enviable  privilege  occasionally  of  following 
her  own  sweet  will,  to  write  a letter  if  she  wishes 
to  do  so;  to  read  a novel,  and,  above  all,  not  to 
feel  that  she  must  talk  and  be  entertaining  as 
well  as  entertained.  In  short,  there  is  no  office 
in  the  world  that  should  be  filled  with  such 
punctilious  devotion,  propriety  and  unselfish- 
ness, as  that  of  hostess. 

To  form  a perfect  conversationist  many  qual- 
ifications are  requisite.  There  must  be  knowl- 
edge of  the  world,  knowledge  of  books,  and  a 
facility  of  imparting  that  knowledge;  together 
with  originality,  memory,  an  intuitive  percep- 
tion of  what  is  best  to  say  and  best  to  omit,  good 
taste,  good  temper  and  good  manners. 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


129 


A good  talker  should  cultivate  a temperance 
in  talking,  so  as  not  to  talk  too  much,  to  the  ex- 
clusion of  other  good  talkers.  Conversation  is 
dialogue,  not  monologue. 

To  be  a perfect  conversationist,  a good  voice 
is  indispensable — a voice  that  is  clear,  distinct 
and  silver-toned.  If  you  find  that  you  have  a 
habit  of  speaking  too  low,  reform  it  altogether. 

The  pleasure  of  society  is  much  lessened  by 
the  habit  in  which  many  persons  indulge  cf 
placing  themselves  always  in  opposition,  contro- 
versing  every  opinion  and  doubting  every  fact. 
They  talk  to  you  as  a lawyer  examines  a witness, 
scarcely  permitting  you  to  say  “it  is  a fine  day,'’ 
without  making  you  prove  your  words.  Such 
people  are  never  popular.  No  one  likes  perpet- 
ual contradiction,  especially  when  the  subject  of 
the  argument  is  of  little  or  no  consequence.  In 
young  people  this  dogmatic  practice  is  generally 
based  upon  vanity  and  impertinence.  In  the  old, 
it  is  prompted  by  pride  and  selfishness. 

Unless  he  first  refers  to  it  himself,  never  talk 
to  a gentleman  concerning  his  profession;  at 
least  do  not  question  him  about  it.  A merchant 
when  away  from  his  counting  house,  has  no  wish 
to  engage  in  business.  A clergyman  does  not 
like  always  to  be  talking  about  the  church. 

Still  there  are  some  people  who  like  to  talk  of 
their  professions.  If  you  perceive  this  disposi- 
tion, indulge  them  and  listen  attentively.  You 
will  learn  something  useful  and  worth  remem- 
bering. 

Never  remind  any  one  of  the  time  when  their 
situation  was  less  affluent  than  at  present,  or 


130 


THE  USAGES  OF 


tell  them  that  you  remember  them  living  in  a 
small  house,  or  in  a remote  street.  If  they  do 
not  wish  to  talk  of  this,  it  is  rude  in  you  to  make 
any  allusions. 

On  the  other  hand,  if  invited  to  a fashionable 
house,  and  to  meet  fashionable  company,  it  is  not 
the  time  or  place  for  you  to  set  forth  the  com- 
parative obscurity  of  your  own  origin,  by  way 
of  showing  that  you  are  not  proud. 

When  you  hear  a gentleman  speak  in  praise  of 
a lady  whom  you  do  not  think  deserving  of  his 
commendations,  you  will  gain  nothing  by  at- 
tempting to  undeceive  him,  particularly  if  the 
lady  is  handsome.  Your  dissenting  from  his 
opinion  he  will,  in  all  probability,  impute  to  envy 
or  ill-nature,  and  therefore  the  only  impression 
you  can  make  will  be  acquired  yourself.  Above 
all,  if  a gentleman  descants  on  the  beauty  of  a 
lady,  and  in  your  own  mind  you  do  not  coincide 
with  his  opinion,  refrain  from  criticizing  invid- 
iously her  face  and  figure,  and  do  not  say  that 
though  her  complexion  may  be  fine,  her  features 
are  not  regular,  that  her  nose  is  too  small,  or  her 
eyes  too  large. 

It  is  very  discourteous  when  a person  begins 
to  relate  a circumstance  or  an  anecdote,  to  cut 
them  short  by  saying  that  you  have  heard  it  be- 
fore. Still  worse  to  say  that  you  do  not  wish  to 
hear  it  at  all.  There  are  people  who  set  them- 
selves against  listening  to  anything  that  can 
possibly  excite  melancholy  or  painful  feelings, 
and  who  prefer  to  hear  nothing  that  may  give 
them  a sad  or  unpleasant  sensation.  Those 
who  have  so  much  tenderness  for  themselves 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


131 

have  usually  but  little  tenderness  for  others. 

Never  interrupt  a person  who  is  telling  you  a 
story,  even  if  he  makes  mistakes  in  dates  and 
facts.  If  he  makes  a mistake,  it  is  his  own  fault, 
and  it  is  not  your  business  to  mortify  him  by  at- 
tempting to  correct  his  blunders. 

Avoid  railing  and  sarcasm  in  social  parties. 
They  are  weapons  which  few  can  use.  When 
two  individuals  or  the  whole  company  agree  to 
banter  each  other  with  good-natured  sallies  of 
wit,  it  is  very  pleasant,  but  the  least  taint  of 
ill-nature  spoils  all. 

INTERTAINING  ON  A SMALL  SCALE. 

Some  people  imagine  because  they  are  not 
rich  and  able  to  afford  a large  establishment,  it 
is  quite  impossible  that  they  can  entertain  their 
friends  in  any  way  whatsoever.  There  are,  of 
course,  many  instances  where  this  is  the  case. 
But  very  often  it  is  not  the  expense  that  forms 
the  barrier  to  hospitality  so  much  as  the  idea 
that  guests  do  not  care  to  come  to  a small  house, 
or  that  it  is  impossible  to  ask  them  without  be- 
ing able  to  give  them  all  the  luxuries  to  which 
they  are  accustomed  in  the  larger  houses  at 
which  they  visit. 

This  is  a mistake,  and  prevents  a good  deal  of 
pleasant  sociability  which  might  otherwise  be 
enjoyed.  The  great  mistake  often  made  by 
hostesses  who  live  in  a small  way  is  that,  when 
they  wish  to  entertain,  they  are  apt  to  be  too 
ambitious,  and  to  attempt  things  to  which  their 
servants  are  not  accustomed,  and  in  which  they, 


132 


THE  USAGES  OF 


as  a natural  consequence,  fail.  It  is  easily  un- 
derstood that  a maid  who  has  been  only  accus- 
tomed to  laying  the  table  for  a meal,  will  be 
somewhat  at  fault  when  expected  to  perform  her 
part  at  a dinner,  and  no  guest  should  ever  be  in- 
vited to  this  meal  until  the  maid  has  been  care- 
fully practiced  for  what  is  required  of  her  at 
such  a time.  In  fact,  a guest  should  only  be  in- 
vited to  share  what  is  the  general  routine  of  the 
family;  any  unusual  effort  made  in  his  honor  is 
always  observable,  and  causes  a feeling  of  con- 
straint. It  is  fatal  in  a small  household,  in  the 
event  of  a few  friends  being  asked  to  dinner,  to 
allow  the  cook  to  attempt  any  dishes  with  the 
manufacture  of  which  she  is  not  thoroughly  ac- 
quainted. A plain  dish,  well  cooked,  is  infinitely 
preferable  to  a more  elaborate  one  that  fails 
either  in  taste  or  in  niceness  of  appearance  on 
the  table,  the  latter  point  being,  to  many  deli- 
cate persons,  of  almost  greater  consequence  than 
its  flavor. 

A hostess  who  entertains  but  rarely  is  apt  to . 
forget  that  if  her  servant  has  too  many  persons 
to  wait  upon,  it  is  quite  impossible  that  things 
can  go  smoothly.  If  there  are  more  than  four 
persons  at  dinner,  it  is  absolutely  important  that 
there  should  be  a second  person  to  wait.  It  is 
wiser  in  a small  establishment  not  to  adopt  the 
custom  of  dinner  a la  Russe^  but  to  have  the 
dishes  carved  on  the  table.  Of  course,  all  the 
business  of  decoration  of  the  table  must  devolve 
on  the  lady  of  the  house;  it  is  she  who  must  ar- 
range the  dessert  and  the  flowers.  If  she  is  wise 
she  will  not  be  tempted  to  be  lavish  in  either  de- 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


133 


partment.  By  the  time  dinner  is  over  very  few 
persons  care  for  fruit,  and  as  long  as  the  dishes 
are  so  tastefully  arranged  as  to  please  the  eye, 
the  guests  will  not  critically  examine  what  they 
contain;  while  very  pretty  flowers  can  be  bought 
for  a very  small  sum,  which  have  as  good  an  ef- 
fect as  far  more  expensive  ones. 

Before  the  mistress  of  a small  household  ven- 
tures to  entertain,  let  her  be  certain  that  her 
cook  can  do  the  simple  dishes  she  means  to  give 
really  well,  and  let  her  provide  all  the  materials 
for  their  manufacture,  of  the  best;  let  her  make 
sure  that  the  maid  knows  exactly  what  she  ought 
to  do,  by  the  simple  expedient  of  insisting  upon 
being  served  every  day,  with  precisely  the  same 
care  and  nicety  as  if  guests  were  present,  and  she 
may  then  give  her  little  dinner  without  any  ner- 
vousness. 

When  in  a small  household  guests  are  asked 
to  stay,  the  mistress  must  satisfy  herself,  by  per- 
sonal inspection,  that  the  visitor’s  bedroom  is 
really  comfortable,  that  the  linen  has  been  per- 
fectly aired  (an  important  matter,  almost  cer- 
tain to  be  neglected  if  left  to  inexperienced  serv- 
ants), that  there  is  a sufficiency  of  blankets  accor- 
ding to  the  season  of  the  year,  and  that  there  is 
the  proper  supply  of  towels,  with  a few  extra 
ones  in  the  washstand  drawer.  She  should  ex- 
amine the  windows  and  make  sure  that  the  sash- 
lines are  intact,  as  it  is  absolutely  essential  to 
the  healthiness  of  a bedroom  that  the  windows 
may  be  opened  easily,  more  especially  at  the  top, 
as  it  is  there  that  all  the  bad  air  makes  its  exit. 
She  will,  of  course,  provide  against  the  discom- 


134 


THE  USAGES  OF 


fort  of  the  windows  rattling  in  a wind,  if  at  all 
loose  in  their  frames,  by  providing  wedges  of 
either  wood  or  brass,  which  should  be  attached 
by  small  chains  to  the  side  of  the  window  frames, 
and  hang  there  ready  to  be  used  when  required. 
She  must  also  explore  wardrobes  and  drawers, 
and  see  that  anything  in  the  way  of  house-linen, 
or  of  her  own  wearing  apparel,  that  may  be 
stowed  away  there  when  the  guest  chamber  is 
not  in  use,  is  removed,  and  the  shelves  and 
drawers  dusted  and  lined  with  paper.  It  is  very 
inconvenient  for  a guest  to  find,  on  her  arrival, 
that  a great  part  of  the  space  in  the  drawers  and 
wardrobe  is  unavailable,  owing  to  the  hostess 
having  neglected  to  move  her  own  possessions 
out.  She  must  see  that  writing-paper,  envelopes 
and  pens  are  on  the  table,  that  the  blotting  paper 
is  sufficiently  clean,  and  that  the  inkstand  has 
been  replenished. 

It  is  extremely  annoying  to  sit  down  to  write 
and  find  only  a few  drops  of  thick,  muddy  fluid 
at  the  bottom  of  the  ink-bottle.  She  must  fur- 
ther take  care  that  the  lock  and  bolt  of  the  door 
are  in  good  order,  that  a night  light  and  a box 
of  matches  are  provided,  and  that  the  pincushion 
is  furnished  with  pins. 

Finally,  if  the  weather  is  damp  and  chilly,  she 
should  not  fail  to  have  a fire  lighted  early  in  the 
day  in  the  room.  If  the  guests  do  not  like  it,  it 
is  easily  let  out  again,  and  there  is  something 
very  chilling  and  inhospitable  in  being  shown 
into  a room  without  a fire,  when  arrived  tired 
and  cold,  and  it  does  not  greatly  mend  the  mat- 
ter, if  the  guest  is  asked,  on  arrival,  whether  he 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY,  i35 

or  she  would  like  a fire;  it  shows  that  one  has 
not  been  deemed  necessary,  and  so,  often  the 
visitor,  anxious  not  to  give  trouble,  goes  with- 
out what  would  be  extremely  welcome. 

Happily,  in  all  houses,  whether  large  or  small, 
it  is  now  well  understood  that  it  is  not  necessary, 
as  was  once  the  case,  for  the  hostess  to  be  al- 
ways in  attendance  on  the  guest;  but  in  a small 
household  her  absences  are  naturally  likely  to  be 
longer,  as  all  the  supervision  of  the  household 
falls  upon  her.  A reasonable  guest  will  under- 
stand this,  and  not  object  to  being  left  alone. 

A hostess  should  abstain  from  troubling  her 
guest  with  any  discussion  of  domestic  matters. 
It  always  gives  the  visitor  the  uncomfortable 
feeling  of  giving  trouble.  Even  when  there  is  a 
laundry  in  the  house,  the  clothes  of  visitors  are 
not  washed  there;  some  person  in  the  neighbor- 
hood undertakes  the  visitor’s  washing,  and  they 
pay  her  like  any  other  laundress. 


13^ 


THE  USAGES  OF 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

LETTER-WRITING  AND  WRITTEN  INVITATIONS. 

When  it  is  imperative  to  write  a note  in  the 
third  person  it  is  most  desirable  to  construct 
each  sentence  with  care  and  with  due  regard  to 
an  avoidance  of  an  extravagant  use  of  pronouns. 

To  frame  a note  without  introducing ‘‘ com- 
pliments,” at  its  commencement,  is  the  received 
mode  of  writing  one.  There  are  few  people 
ignorant  or  careless  enough  to  lapse  from  the 
third  person  into  the  first,  in  the  course  of  a 
short  one,  but  still  it  is  worth  guarding  against. 

The  prevailing  style  of  writing  is  bold  and  free, 
the  characters  very  upright  and  tall;  toppling 
t’s  ” and  long  tailed  ‘ g’s  ” have  quite  gone  out 
of  fashion.  Many  affect  a literary  style  of  let- 
ter-writing; that  is  to  say,  a margin  is  left  on 
the  left  side  of  the  sheet  of  paper,  which  gives 
rather  an  imposing  look  to  it;  but  this  should 
only  be  done  when  the  letter  is  almost  a note  in 
matter  of  length.  A strictly  business  habit, 
adopted  for  the  convenience  of  being  copied  by 
letter-press,  is  to  write  on  the  first  and  third 
pages  of  a sheet  of  paper,  leaving  the  second  and 
fourth  pages  blank.  Some  people  fall  into  the 
mistake  of  doing  this  under  the  impression  that 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


137 


it  is  rather  fine,  whereas  it  is  very  much  the  re- 
verse. It  used  to  be  an  idea  that  to  underline 
words  in  a letter  was  7nissish  in  the  extreme,  and 
rather  bad  style  than  not,  but  now  if  a writer 
wishes  to  be  very  emphatic  or  to  call  particular 
attention  to  any  remark,  an  additional  stroke  of 
the  pen  is  not  objected  to.  But  it  is  a liberty 
not  to  be  taken  when  writing  to  those  with  whom 
one  is  on  ceremony.  Another  practice  of  the 
past,  which  is  now  happily  discarded,  is  that  of 
crossing  letters. 

Many  people  experience  a certain  difficulty  in 
the  choice  of  a conventional  term  with  which  to 
conclude  a formal  letter,  and  it  must  be  admit- 
ted that  there  is  not  much  variety  at  command. 
Yours  truly,  yours  sincerely,  yours  faithfully, 
with  the  addition,  perhaps,  of  the  adverb  very” 
being  the  principal  formulas  in  use,  and  it  is,  on 
the  whole,  immaterial  in  writing  to  friends, 
whether  truly  or  sincerely  is  used.  By  way  of 
not  ending  a letter  too  abruptly,  it  is  usual,  be- 
fore the  words  “ yours  truly  ” to  add  some  grace- 
ful little  comment,  and  this  gives  a certain  finish 
and  completeness  to  a letter  that  would  other- 
wise be  wanting. 

A few  words  as  to  the  actual  composition  of  a 
letter.  It  should  always  be  borne  in  mind  that 
if  a letter  has  a purpose,  a reason  or  an  ob- 
ject for  being,  this  fact  should  not  be  lost 
sight  of,  or  oversighted  with  a mass  of  extra- 
neous matter;  again,  it  is  idle  to  devote  the  first 
page  of  a letter  to  a trivial  excuse  for  not  hav- 
ing written  sooner;  but  if  a note  demands  an  im- 
mediate answer,  it  is  then  a matter  of  politeness 


138 


THE  USAGES  OF 


to  give  a reason,  but  without  circumlocution,  and 
other  matter  should  be  at  once  referred  to.  A 
want  of  punctuation  in  a letter  will  often  cause  a 
sentence  or  paragraph  to  be  misunderstood  and 
made  to  convey  the  reverse  of  what  was  intend- 
ed. Marks  of  interrogation  and  marks  of  excla- 
mation naturally  assist  the  clearer  understand- 
ing of  a passage,  which  without  them  might 
have  a vague  meaning. 

It  is  not  the  fashion  nowadays  to  accuse  one’s- 
self  of  writing  a stupid  letter,  or  a dull  one  or  an 
uninteresting  one. 

Friends  are  only  too  likely  to  take  one  at  one’s 
own  valuation,  and  to  endorse  the  written  ver- 
dict, while  the  solicism  of  laying  the  blame  of 
bad  writing  on  pen,  ink  or  paper  is  confined  to 
servants,  whose  writing  materials  are  naturally 
not  of  the  best. 

Writing  letters  of  invitation  and  answering 
them  occupy  far  longer  time  in  the  composition 
than  the  writers  would  care  to  confess.  The  dif- 
ficulty does  not  lie  in  an  invitation  itself,  or  in 
accepting  or  refusing,  but  rather  in  the  form  in 
which  either  should  be  couched,  the  words  that 
should  be  chosen,  and  the  expressions  that  should 
be  used.  One  person  is  afraid  of  being  too 
empressej  too  gushing;  another  of  being  too  for- 
mal, too  stiff;  one  is  fearful  of  saying  too  little, 
another  of  saying  too  much,  and  yet  there  are 
others  who  have  not  an  idea  what  to  say  or  how 
to  commence  a letter  of  this  nature,  and  who  are 
dissatisfied  with  each  start  they  make,  knowing 
that  they  have  not  said  the  right  thing,  and  not 
exactly  seeing  their  way  to  saying  it.  Time, 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY.  i39 

paper  and  temper  are  often  sacrificed  to  these 
attempts. 

This  is  not  only  the  case  with  regard  to  letters 
of  invitation  and  acceptance,  but  it  also  applies 
to  many  letters  that  are  consequent  upon  an  in- 
vitation being  received  and  visits  paid. 

Invitations  which  are  conveyed  through  the 
medium  of  cards,  dinner  cards  or  an  at-home 
card,  require  no  thought  in  the  giving  or  receiv- 
ing. The  note  of  acceptance  is  as  brief  as  is  the 
printed  card  of  invitation;  and  to  the  printed 
card  requesting  the  pleasure  of  Mrs.  Blank’s  com- 
pany at  dinner,  the  stereotyped  answer  is  invari- 
ably, Mrs.  Blank  has  as  much  pleasure  in  accept- 
ing Mrs.  Dash’s  kind  invitation  for  Tuesday,  the 
2ist,  or  Mrs.  Blank  regrets  that  a previous  en- 
gagement will  prevent  her  having  the  pleasure 
of  accepting  Mrs.  Dash’s  kind  invitation  for 
Tuesday,  the  21st. 

Of  all  invitations  given,  perhaps  the  first  in 
importance  is  the  one  that  refers  to  a visit  of 
some  days’  duration,  either  for  a long  or  short 
period.  Those  who  are  accustomed  to  give  this 
kind  of  invitation  know  exactly  what  to  say  and 
how  to  say  it.  The  conventional  civilities  or  af- 
fectionate cordialities,  as  the  case  may  be,  occur 
in  their  proper  places,  but  one  point  is  made 
clear  in  either  case,  namely,  the  length  of  the 
visit  to  be  paid.  There  are  people  who  are  under 
the  impression  that  to  specify  the  exact  length 
of  a visit  is  not  sufficiently  polite,  and  they 
therefore,  as  a sort  of  compromise,  use  the  am- 
biguous terms,  “ a few  days,”  instead  of  dis- 
tinctly defining  the  limit  of  the  invitations.  So 


140 


THE  USAGES  OF 


far  from  vague  invitations  such  as  these  being 
an  advantage  to  invited  guests,  they  not  seldom 
place  them  at  a disadvantage  at  more  points 
than  one.  They  are  uncertain  what  day  they  are 
to  take  their  departure;  they  do  not  wish,  by 
leaving  a day  earlier,  to  disarrange  any  little 
plan  that  their  hostess  may  have  contemplated 
for  their  amusement.  Neither  do  they  wish  to 
prolong  their  visit  a day  later,  lest  by  so  doing 
they  should  break  in  upon  any  engagements  that 
she  may  have  formed  on  her  own  account,  inde- 
pendent of  her  visitors.  To  suggest  when  a 
guest  shall  come  and  when  she  shall  go  is  a very 
great  point  in.  hospitality. 

A few  days  ” is  an  unsatisfactory  wording  of 
an  invitation  to  visitors,  for  as  a rule  it  means 
three  or  four  days,  but  there  is  always  an  un- 
certainty as  to  whether  the  fourth  day  should  be 
taken  or  not.  Those  who  interpret  a few  days 
to  mean  three  days,  make  their  plans  for  depart- 
ure accordingly;  failing  this,  they  are  compelled 
to  leave  their  plans  open  and  stay  from  three  to 
five  days,  according  as  chance  and  circumstances 
may  dictate.  A lady  will  perhaps  require  a little 
addition  to  her  wardrobe  in  the  matter  of  a five 
days’  visit  over  that  of  three  days’  stay;  but  this 
is  a trifling  detail,  although  it  helps  to  swell  the 
list  of  minor  inconveniences  which  are  the  result 
of  vague  invitations. 

There  are,  of  course,  exceptions  to  every  rule, 
and  there  are  people  who  use  this  phrase  of 
‘‘Will  you  come  to  see  us  for  a few  days?”  in 
the  bona  fide  sense  of  the  word,  and  to  whom  it 
is  immaterial  whether  their  guests  remain  three 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


■41 


days  or  six  days;  but  such  an  elastic  invitation 
as  this  is  given  to  a relative,  or  to  a very  intimate 
friend,  whose  footing  in  the  house  is  that  of  a 
relation,  and  with  whom  the  hostess  does  not 
stand  on  ceremony,  as  far  as  her  own  engage- 
ments are  concerned;  and  people  on  these 
friendly  terms  can  talk  over  their  departure  with 
their  hostess  and  consult  her  about  it  without 
the  faintest  embarrassment. 

The  most  welcome  invitation  is  certainly  the 
one  that  mentions  the  day  of  arrival  and  the  day 
of  departure.  Thus  after  the  7'aisoii  d'etre  of  the 
invitation  has  been  stated,  the  why  and  the 
wherefore  of  its  being  given  follows  the  gist  of 
the  letter:  ‘‘We  hope  you  will  come  to  us  on 
Wednesday,  the  23d,  and  remain  until  the  26th.” 
It  is,  of  course,  open  to  a hostess  to  ask  her  vis- 
itors to  prolong  their  stay  beyond  the  date 
named,  if  she  sees  reason  for  so  doing;  but  this 
is  the  exception  rather  than  the  rule  in  the  case 
of  short  visits,  and  guests  take  their  departure 
as  a matter  of  course  on  the  day  named  in  the 
invitation.  When  a visit  has  been  paid  it  is  po- 
lite, if  not  imperative,  to  write  to  the  hostess, 
and  express  the  pleasure  that  has  been  derived 
from  it.  Good  feeling  and  good  taste  would 
dictate  that  such  note  should  be  written,  and  as 
it  can  always  include  little  matters  of  general 
interest  in  connection  with  the  past  visit,  it  need 
neither  be  over-ceremonious  nor  coldly  polite 
Such  a note  need  not  necessarily  be  answered 


142 


THE  USAGES  OF 


CHAPTER  XIV. 

MUSICAL  HOMES AND  GARDEN  PARTIES. 

If  music  is  to  be  provided  for  the  entertain- 
ment at  a reception  the  word  music,  or  musicale^ 
is  written  uppn  the  left  lower  part  of  the  card  of 
invitation,  which  is  the  ordinary  at  home” 
card.  The  time — as  ‘‘  from  four  to  seven  ” — is 
also  indicated. 

An  entertainment  of  this  kind  should  be,  in 
the  truest  sense  of  the  word,  a social  gathering, 
enlivened  by  the  exertions  of  amateur  perform- 
ers, reinforced  by  friendly  professional  aid.  The 
great  secret  of  success  is  to  maintain  them  on 
this  footing,  and  not  to  attempt  to  strain  them 
into  would-be  concerts  of  mediocre  merit. 

The  way  to  do  this  is  to  allow  sufficiently  long 
pauses  to  elapse  between  the  several  pieces  and 
songs  given,  so  as  to  admit  of  an  easy  conversa- 
tion to  be  indulged  in  throughout  the  two  hours 
prescribed  by  fashion  as  the  correct  limit. 

The  hostess  must  make  herself  agreeable  in 
these  intervals  by  talking  pleasantly  to  some 
one  with  whom  perhaps  she  is  intimate,  asking 
another  to  sing ‘‘ something,”  aware  that  she  is 
the  possessor  of  a fine  voice,  and  is  not  unwilling 
to  let  it  be  heard,  or  asking  yet  a third  to  per 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


143 


form  that  promised  gavotte,  and  so  on  through 
the  list  of  the  ladies  present,  recognizing  the 
presence  of  each  by  some  kindly  remark. 

Duets  formerly  occupied  a prominent  place  in 
the  programme  at  musicals,  but  now  solos  are 
preferred;  but  even  solos  become  tedious  when 
three  or  four  are  sung  in  succession  by  the  same 
lady;  and  however  fine  the  voice  of  an  amateur 
may  be,  the  company  are  apt  to  grow  tired  of 
too  much  of  one  thing,  however  good  this  one 
thing  may  be.  A hostess  often  induces  her  fa- 
vorite song-bird  to  warble  all  her  chef  d' oeuvres^ 
with  a view  of  delighting  the  audience,  who  fail 
to  appreciate  the  good  nature  that  prompts  com- 
pliance, while  a judicious  division  ot  labor  among 
the  assembled  amateurs  creates  a far  more  satis- 
factory feeling  than  does  a wholesale  monopoly 
of  the  piano  by  one  performer. 

As  to  the  songs  themselves,  the  question  of 
what  is  most  pleasing  to  an  audience  in  the  way 
of  songs  is  rather  perplexing  to  amateur  per- 
formers. If  they  attempt  operatic  gems  they 
have  to  contend  with  a professional  rivalry 
which  more  than  overweighs  their  efforts,  and 
they  are  accused  of  being  too  ambitious;  while 
if  they  attempt  ballads  of  the  day  they  run  a like 
gantlet  in  the  amateur  world.  These  parlor 
songs  have  been  well  sung,  perhaps  better  sung, 
anyhow,  too  much  sung. 

There  is  a general  feeling  of  wishing  to  hear 
something  a little  Less  hackneyed;  in  fact,  some- 
thing new.  Thus  very  indifferent  compositions 
are  often  warbled  in  parlors  by  fairly  good  ama- 
teurs, which  neither  display  to  advantage  the 


144 


THE  USAGES  OF 


voice  nor  its  training,  but  which  have  the  one 
merit  of  being  new.  It  is  so  delightful  not  to 
know  in  the  least  what  is  coming,  or  what  is  to 
follow  the  first  bars  played  by  the  fingers  of  a 
performer. 

Again,  new  songs  are  always  popular,  and  the 
singing  world  likes  to  gain  an  idea  of  them.  By 
hearing  them  sung  in  this  semi-public  manner 
they  form  a subject  for  conversation;  while  of  a 
well-known  ballad  by  a modern  composer  there 
is  nothing  more  to  be  said  than:  I think  we 
have  heard  this  before.”  Songs,  like  books,  have 
now  but  a short  life;  what  is  new  to-day  is  old 
to-morrow. 

As  has  been  hinted  before,  to  rush  one  song 
after  the  other  with  hardly  breathing  time  be- 
tween each,  defeats  the  object  for  which  these 
gatherings  are  given — that  of  being  sociable 
rather  than  silent  assemblies,  as  regards  the  non- 
performers. To  talk,  to  chat,  to  move  about  a 
room  and  to  recognize  one’s  friends  is  considered 
rather  an  uncomplimentary  proceeding  during  a 
song,  but  if  no  interval  is  awarded  for  the  ex- 
change of  conversation  a subdued  buzz  and  mur- 
mur is  heard  throughout  the  room;  and  though 
a lover  of  music  may  protest  against  it,  and  the 
person  performing  feel  aggrieved  by  it,  yet  it  is 
not  to  be  put  down,  under  the  penalty  of  the 
party  being  considered  an  extremely  dull  affair. 

The  instrumental  music  most  popular  at  these 
entertainments  is  of  the  light  and  tuneful  order. 

GARDEN  PARTIES. 

The  invitation  to  a garden  party  is  usually 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


145 


sent  out  two  weeks  before  the  appointed  day.  If 
the  weather  proves  bad  the  entertainment  takes 
place  indoors. 

These  invitations,  if  given  in  a suburban 
place  to  friends  living  in  the  city,  who  are  to  go 
out  by  cars,  or  other  public  means  of  convey- 
ance, should  have  a card  inclosed  with  the  direc- 
tions plainly  given  as  to  hours  of  trains,  and  any 
other  needful  directions. 

These  invitations,  written  or  engraved  on  a 
sheet  of  note  paper,  are  in  the  form  as  follows: 

Mrs. 

Requests  the  pleasure  of 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  

Company  on  Thursday.^  the  seventh  of  August^ 

At  four  o'clock. 

Garden  Party.  Idlewild. 

Then  on  the  card  inclosed  might  be: 

Carriages  will  meet  the  arrival  of  the  3. *30  train 
from  the  Grand  Central  Depot. 

The  garden  party  proper  is  always  held  in  the 
open  air.  The  lawn  tennis  is  in  order  for  the 
occasion,  the  croquet  laid  out  for  those  who  care 
for  this  antiquated  game,  and  the  archery  tools 
in  place.  A platform  may  have  been  prepared 
for  dancing,  with  a band  of  music  to  discourse 


146 


THE  USAGES  OE 


tunes,  both  grave  and  gay.  There  must  be  a sup- 
ply of  camp  chairs  and  rugs.  The  hostess  receives 
her  guests  on  the  lawn,  with  her  hat  or  bonnet  on. 
The  carriages  drive  up  to  the  door,  and  the  la- 
dies go  within  to  deposit  their  wraps  and  to 
shake  off  the  dust.  A maid  then  shows  them 
where  the  hostess  is  receiving  her  guests.  The 
ladies  wear  hats  and  walking  dresses,  although 
long  robes  are  occasionally  seen. 

The  lunch  is  sometimes  served  in  the  house, 
but  if  it  is  an  a/  fresco  entertainment  entirely, 
the  viands  must  be  cold:  salads,  tongue,  ham, 
pate  de  fois  gras,  cold  patties,  salmon,  jellies,  ices, 
cakes  and  champagne. 

A cup  of  hot  tea  should  always  be  prepared 
for  the  individual  who  prefers  that  refreshing 
beverage  to  iced  lemonade  or  champagne.  If 
strawberries  and  cream  are  served  a small  nap- 
kin should  be  placed  between  the  saucer  and  the 
plate,  and  a spoon  and  fork  passed  to  each  per- 
son. Plenty  of  camp  chairs  and  a number  of 
small  tables  are  very  necessary  accompaniments 
to  the  feasts. 

“ A green  lawn,  a few  trees,  a good  prospect, 
a fine  day,  and  something  to  eat  are  really  all 
the  absolute  requirements.  We  can  enjoy  a 
garden  party  very  much  with  only  these  ad- 
juncts.” 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


147 


CHAPTER  XV. 

TRAVELING  MANNERS. 

It  is  well  if  young  people  before  leaving  home 
for  a journey  have  been  so  carefully  trained  as 
to  be  able  to  accept  small  annoyances  in  quiet, 
ladylike  patience  and  good  nature,  and  thus  by 
their  conduct  prove  an  excellent  example  to 
others.  Selfishness  too  often  governs  travelers. 
They  have  paid  as  much  as  any  of  the  passengers 
to  insure  their  comfort,  and  mean  to  have  all 
they  can  get.  Others  must  look  out  for  them- 
selves. Hence  the  rush  and  hurry  for  seats,  un- 
less when  certain  sections  have  been  provided 
and  paid  for,  is  usually  very  annoying,  and  in- 
dicative of  anything  but  good  manners.  ^‘Noth- 
ing is  more  shameful  than  a voluntary  rude- 
ness.” Neither  age  nor  sex  is  respected,  but 
those  determined  to  have  the  first  choice,  rush, 
crowd  and  push  their  way  in,  heedless  of  others’ 
inconvenience  or  suffering,  and  every  inch  of 
available  room,  beyond  their  own  appropriate 
seat,  is  filled  with  bags,  bundles,  etc.,  decidedly 
disagreeable  and  embarassing  to  others  who 
need  the  room.  This  is  a situation  that  stretches 
good  nature  and  patience  almost  beyond  endur- 


148 


THE  USAGES  OF 


ance,  and  we  have  seen  instances'  where  both 
have  given  place  to  sharp  words  and  evident 
vexation.  A few  moments’  gentle  endurance 
will  soon  bring  order  out  of  the  confusion,  and 
respect  from  those  who  have  rudely  forgotten 
their  manners.  If  a gentleman,  a father,  brother 
or  husband  is  the  protector  in  this  journey,  and 
for  a moment  is  engaged  in  caring  for  baggage, 
or  buying  tickets,  it  will  be  but  short  waiting — 
or  the  conductor  will  soon  provide  a seat.  Only 
don’t  lose  your  temper.  In  five  minutes  it  will 
all  pass  and  be  forgotten. 

Many  things  will  annoy  one  who  leaves  a neat, 
well-appointed  home  to  live  for  weeks  in  cars, 
boats,  or  hotels.  The  food  may  not  be  at  all 
relishable,  the  rooms  ill-aired  and  dusty,  the 
beds  not  all  one’s  fancy  paints  them.  All  these 
evils  should  be  well  considered  before  one  leaves 
home,  and  weighed  against  the  pleasures  antici- 
pated. If  the  discomforts  overbalance  the 
pleasures,  stay  at  home.  If  not,  accept  all  infelici- 
ties and  all  pleasures  with  a cheerful,  contented 
spirit. 

Now  let  us  see  what  good  common  sense 
would  provide  for  a long  journey.  Of  necessity 
a durable  traveling  dress  is  needed,  of  fabric  and 
color  that  will  not  be  injured  by  any  weather. 
Let  it  be  neat  and  just  as  rich  and  stylish  as 
one’s  circumstances  will  warrant.  Of  course,  the 
style,  material  and  color  will  depend  on  the 
taste  of  the  wearer  largely,  but  in  our  judgment 
nothing  is  so  thoroughly  satisfactory  as  a good 
black  silk  without  an  abundance  of  trimming.  It 
will  come  out  of  rain,  snow,  mud  or  dust^  if 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


149 


carefully  shaken  and  brushed  amaist  as  gude 
as  new.”  It  will  bear  almost  any  amount  of  re- 
pairing and  altering  if  taken  in  season,  when  a 
stitch  in  time  saves  nine;”  and  yet  the  wearer 
will  look  well  dressed,  because  a black  silk  sel- 
dom loses  color  or  shows  the  many  rips  and  tears 
that  one  is  liable  to  encounter  when  traveling, 
and  therefore  the  wearer  escapes  much  thought- 
less criticism,  indeed,  may  secure  compliments 
on  her  neat  and  rich  attire  that  will  furnish 
amusement  for  many  a day 

What  other  dresses  are  indispensable  ? We 
are  firm  in  the  belief  that  the  smallest  quantity 
of  clothes  that  will  give  a lady  a neat,  respecta- 
ble and  comfortable  appearance  on  a journey  is 
indicative  of  the  best  taste  and  soundest  judg- 
ment, and  therefore  think  two  dresses  suitable 
for  a reception,  or  when  an  invited  guest  on  the 
journey,  are  quite  sufficient,  the  material  of 
velvet,  silk  or  worsted,  as  best  suits  the  circum- 
stances of  the  wearer.  But,  as  on  a long  jour- 
ney, one  is  liable  to  pass  into  the  extremes  of 
cold  and  heat  in  different  climates,  the  dress 
should  be  suitable  for  such  changes,  one  of  a 
warm,  thick  fabric,  the  other  appropriate  for  the 
heat  of  summer. 

For  underwear  four  (five  at  the  most)  changes 
are  amply  sufficient,  since  everywhere  one  meets 
such  facilities  for  having  washing  and  ironing 
done  in  a short  day’s  notice. 

When  traveling  no  one  can  expect  to  have 
their  clothes  satisfactorily  laundried,  but  that  is 
one  of  the  trials  that  mingle  with  the  pleasures 


150  THE  USAGES  OF 

of  traveling,  but  complaining  and  fault-finding 
will  not  remedy  it. 

Two  pairs  of  boots,  one  pair  of  slippers  and 
rubbers  are  sufficient,  with  a good  supply  of 
cuffs,  collars  and  handkerchiefs.  An  outside 
wrap,  nicer  than  these  used  on  the  road,  for 
church,  or  a visit,  is  desirable,  and  young  people 
would  break  their  hearts  if  they  could  not  also 
take  a “ best  ” hat  for  those  occasions. 

Such  shawls  or  wraps  as  will  be  needed  in  the 
changes  of  climate,  through  which  the  tourist 
intends  to  pass,  are  quite  necessary.  These  ar- 
ticles, together  with  the  rubbers,  should  be  com- 
pactly rolled,  put  into  a case  or  wrapper,  and  se- 
curely fastened  up  with  a shawl-strap,  and  across 
this  bundle  the  umbrella  will  be  bound  under 
the  strap. 

A leather  satchel,  the  lightest  that  can  be  ob- 
tained, is  necesary  to  hold  comb,  brush,  tooth 
and  finger  brushes,  a soap-box  with  good  soap, 
a small  metal  or  leather  box  of  matches,  some 
extra  pocket-handkerchiefs,  and  a collar  or  two 
and  cuffs  can  be  folded  so  as  to  occupy  little 
space;  a small  box  containing  pins,  needles, 
thread,  sewing  silk  of  such  colors  as  will  be  most 
likely  to  be  wanted,  a few  buttons,  a small  piece 
of  tape,  and  a pair  of  scissors,  will  be  needed, 
because  when  the  journey  is  for  a few  days  in- 
steamboat or  sleeping-cars  it  will  be  difficult  to 
get  access  to  the  trunk. 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


151 


CHAPTER  XVI. 

THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  MOURNING. 

The  wearing  of  somber  robes  after  the  loss  of 
our  kinspeople  is  naturally  in  a great  measure  a 
matter  for  individual  feeling.  The  fashion  of 
the  world,  however,  has  imposed  upon  this  cus- 
tom certain  restrictions  and  additions,  so  that 
the  preparation  of  mourning  has  been  reduced 
to  a system — so  many  folds  of  crape  for  a parent, 
so  many  for  a sister,  and  the  like. 

The  quality  of  the  fabrics  which  expresses  the 
utmost  sorrow  has  been  the  same  for  many  a 
year,  and  it  is  recognized  by  every  lady;  but 
great  uncertainty  prevails  concerning  what  may 
be  termed  the  proprieties  of  mourning. 

Half  rnourning,  which  was  at  one  time  a great 
feature  for  aunts,  cousins,  etc.,  is  now  almost 
abandoned.  There  are  many  who  cannot  afford 
to  dress  with  perfect  correctness,  whether  in 
mourning  or  out  of  it,  and  it  is  to  those  who 
lack  the  requisite  knowledge,  rather  than  the 
means,  that  these  remarks  apply.  It  is  only  for 
us  to  indicate  clearly  the  conventional  periods 
required  by  custom,  and  the  degree  of  mourning 
appropriate  to  each.  To  some  the  periods  may 
appear  insufficient,  but  of  course  every  one  is  at 


152 


THE  USAGES  OF 


liberty  to  lengthen  them  at  pleasure.  But  it  is 
becoming  the  custom  to  render  all  mournings, 
excepting  those  of  widows,  or  of  parents  and 
children,  much  shorter  than  they  formerly  were. 
It  is  only  the  intention  now  to  indicate  clearly 
the  conventional  periods  required  by  custom, 
and  the  dregree  of  mourning  appropriate  to 
each. 

A widow’s  mourning  is,  of  course,  the  longest, 
and  continued  for  the  longest  period.  For  the 
first  twelve  months  the  dress  and  mantle  must 
be  of  parametta  cloth,  trimmed  heavily  with 
crape.  Henrietta  cloth,  imperial  serge  or  tamise 
are  fabrics  used  for  deep  mourning  dresses.  The 
cloak  or  mantle  is  of  the  same  material  as  the 
dress,  and  very  heavily  trimmed  with  crape.  It 
is  no  longer  usual  to  wear  the  widow’s  cap  be 
yond  the  year,  as  was  formerly  frequently  done. 
The  bonnet,  which  is  entirely  of  crape,  has  a cap 
tacked  inside,  and  is  worn  with  the  long  veil. 
The  vei^.  is  worn  a year,  and  as  much  longer  as 
the  widow  chooses;  at  the  end  of  six  months  the 
front  is  thrown  back  on  the  bonnet,  and  a short 
black  tulle  veil  worn  over  the  face. 

The  collar  and  cuffs  are  of  white  or  black  lisse 
or  of  fine  organdy.  Crape  cloth  is  adapted  for 
a walking  or  rough  dress,  as  it  wears  well,  and 
is  scarcely  to  be  distinguished  from  crape  at  a 
distance.  After  the  first  year  mourning  silk  may 
be  substituted  for  the  dress  of  plainer  goods,  but 
it  must  also  be  trimmed  heavily  with  crape.  This 
is  worn  for  three  months,  when  the  crape  may 
be  very  sensibly  lightened,  and  for  the  next 
three  months,  jet,  fringe  and  passementerie  may 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


153 


be  used.  At  the  end  of  six  months  (eighteen 
months  in  all)  crape  may  be  left  off  and  plain 
black  worn  for  six  months.  Formerly  it  was 
usual  to  wear  half  mourning  for  six  months  or  a 
year  longer,  but  this  is  now  seldom  done,  and 
two  years  complete  the  period  of  mourning. 

The  mourning  of  a parent  for  a child,  or  a 
child  for  a parent,  is  the  next  degree  of  mourning 
and  lasts  for  twelve  months. 

For  the  first  three,  parameUa,  merino,  bomba- 
zine or  some  similar  materr?.!  heavily  trimmed 
with  crape,  usually  in  two  deep  tucks,  is  worn; 
for  the  next  three,  silk — mourning  silk,  of  course 
— with  less  crape;  the  latter,  arranged  more  or- 
namentally in  plaits  or  folds,  is  admirable. 

The  crape  bonnet  may  have  jet  upon  it,  and 
the  veil  may  be  of  net,  with  a deep  hem.  Linen 
collars  and  cuffs  cannot  be  worn  with  crape; 
only  organdy  or  lisse  frills  are  admissible.  Sable 
or  any  colored  fur  must  be  left  (^ff;  seal-skin  is 
often  worn,  but  it  never  looks  well  in  really  deep 
mourning.  After  six  months’  crape  is  left  off, 
and  plain  black  with  jet  ornaments  worn  for  two 
months;  and  after  this,  half  mourning,  such  as 
black  dresses  with  white  lace  and  ilowers,  and 
white  dresses  trimmed  with  black. 

For  brothers  and  sisters,  the  mourning  used 
to  be  six  months,  but  now  four  is  more  usual. 
When  four  is  the  period,  it  is  more  common  to 
wear  crape  for  two  months  and  plain  black  for 
two,  than  to  change  for  half  mourning.  For 
grandparents  the  mourning  is  six  months,  two 
in  silk  with  a moderate  amount  of  craj:^.  two  in 
black  and  two  in  half  mourning.  For  uncie 


154 


THE  USAGES  OF 


or  aunt,  the  period  was  formerly  three  months, 
and  slight  crape  was  worn;  now  six  weeks  is  the 
usual  time,  and  crape  is  not  required.  For  a 
first  cousin,  a month,  generally  the  whole  time 
in  black.  It  is  now  very  unusual  to  wear  mourn- 
ing at  all  for  a second  cousin,  but  if  it  is  done, 
three  weeks  are  sufficient. 

Relations  by  marriage  are  mourned  for  in  ex- 
actly the  same  degree  as  real  ones.  Thus,  a wife 
wears  exactly  the  same  mourning  for  her  hus- 
band’s relations  as  she  would  for  her  own,  and 
mourns  for  her  sister’s  husband  in  the  identical 
amount  of  crape  which  she  would  wear  for  her 
sister  herself. 

Besides  the  actual  dress,  there  are  some  points 
of  etiquette  connected  with  mourning.  It  is 
usual  for  the  pocket-handkerchiefs  used  to  have 
broad  black  edges,  and  no  jewelry  of  any  kind 
with  the  exception  of  jet,  can  be  worn,  neither 
can  lace  be  worn  with  crape. 

Crape,  it  should  be  remembered,  cannot  be 
worn  in  conjunction  with  any  material  which  is 
not  also  adapted  to  deep  mourning. 

Thus,  crape  is  inadmissible  with  velvet,  satin, 
bright  or  glace  silks,  embroidery,  fringe,  except- 
ing the  special  crape  fringe,”  or  indeed  with 
anything  but  mourning  silk,  merino,  parametta, 
woolen  barege  or  grenadine. 

Black  edged  paper  must  be  used.  Visiting 
cards  are  only  edged  with  black  when  crape  is 
worn. 

Cards  returning  thanks  for  the  kind  inquiries 
of  those  who  have  either  called  or  sent  to  inquire. 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY,  i55 

should  not  be  sent  out  until  the  person  feels 
equal  to  receiving  visitors. 

Neither  visiting  nor  a general  receiving  of 
guests  formally  within  a year  after  the  loss  of  a 
near  relative  is  considered  proper,  and  usually 
two  years  are  devoted  to  a more  or  less  rigid  se- 
clusion from  general  society.  For  the  first  year 
while  a widow  wears  her  weeds  she  can,  of 
course,  accept  no  invitations,  and  it  is  the  worst 
possible  taste  for  her  to  be  seen  at  places  of 
public  amusement.  After  the  first  year  she  can, 
if  she  chooses,  gradually  resume  her  place  in 
society.  This  retirement  does  not  lessen  the  at- 
tention of  friends. 

Cards  are  sent  by  acquaintances  to  express 
sympathy  when  a death  occurs,  but  only  an  inti- 
mate friendship  affords  one  permission  to  write 
a note  of  condolence.  Long,  torturing  notes  of 
sympathy  are  fortunately  among  our  obsolete 
customs. 

Many  people  consider  it  proper  to  wear  black 
when  paying  a first  visit  to  a house  of  mourning, 
and  though  this  is  not  absolutely  necessary  it  is 
entirely  in  better  taste  to  avoid  brilliant  colors 
on  such  an  occasion. 


THE  USAGES  OF 


156 


CHAPTER  XVII. 

ANNIVERSARIES. 

A writer  upon  social  usages  says  that  a notice- 
able entertainment  upon  each  annual  return  of 
marriage  days  is  a custom  in  but  few  of  the  best 
families.  In  the  limited  circjje  of  the  fireside, 
however,  the  day  is  usually  marked  by  expres- 
sions of  good  will  and  the  bestowal  of  gifts  be- 
tween husband  and  wife,  and  also  from  children 
to  their  parents;  but  this  is  all. 

After  the  passing  of  a certain  number  of  years 
which  are  marked  off  into  epochs  by  several  dis- 
tinguishing but  fanciful  names,  many  of  our 
households  celebrate  the  anniversaries  of  their 
marriage  by  extended  hospitalities.  Of  course, 
elderly  people  feel  and  manifest  their  joy  by 
graver  or  more  digified  formalities  in  their  en- 
tertainments than  is  expected  of  younger  hus- 
bands and  wives,  the  latter  often  providing  mer- 
riment of  a fanciful  kind. 

Not  that  any  of  these  anniversaries  are  em- 
phasized in  our  higher  circles  upon  the  contri- 
bution plan,”  as  a cynical  writer  upon  our  social 
customs  has  most  aptly  styled  that  sort  of  hos- 
pitality which  intimates  by  the  form  of  its  invi- 
tations that  presents  are  expected. 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


157 


To  offer  a souvenir  to  a bride  is  a pleasant 
method  of  expressing  to  her  our  good  wishes, 
but  to  contribute  to  the  sustainment  of  her  after 
house  furnishing  is  quite  another  affair. 

The  marriage  anniversary  which  falls  after  five 
years  is  sometimes  called  ‘‘  a wooden  wedding;” 
after  ten  years,  it  is  mentioned  as  “tin;”  after 
twenty,  it  is  “crystal;”  at  twenty-five,  it  is  “sil- 
ver;” at  fifty,  it  is  a “golden  anniversary;”  and 
at  sixty,  the  “diamond  wedding”  occurs. 

Those  who  desire  to  celebrate  a return  of 
their  wedding  day  are  compelled,  through  their 
delicacy  of  feeling,  to  relinquish  a general  gala 
entertainment,  or  else  to  make  an  announcement 
upon  their  cards  of  invitation  of  their  private 
sentiments  in  the  matter  of  miscellaneous  gift 
making. 

It  is  not  agreeable  to  the  entertainer  to  be 
compelled  in  self-defense  to  direct  that  “ no 
gifts  received  ''  be  engraved  upon  cards  of  invi- 
tation. Without  doubt,  we  shall  soon  pass  the 
“ donation  period  ” in  our  social  customs,  and  a 
gift  will  become  what  it  really  should  be,  sig- 
nificant of  something  superior  to  a meaningless 
habit. 

Of  course,  very  near  kinspeople  and  very  dear 
old  friends  will  take  the  liberty  sometimes  of 
disregarding  the  engraved  injunction,  just  as 
such  friends  indulge  themselves  in  familiarities 
with  the  rules  that  usually  govern  one’s  private 
social  affairs.  But  if  remoter  relatives,  or  mere 
society  acquaintances,  send  a gift  other  than 
flowers  or  a book,  after  being  requested  to  re- 
strict their  generosity,  they  need  not  be  surprised 


158 


HE  C/SAGES  OF 


if  the  act  be  considered  an  impertinence,  and 
resented  accordingly.  . 

The  prevailing  style  of  cards  of  invitation  to 
an  anniversary  party,  or  reception,  is  just  the 
same  as  to  any  ordinary  entertainment.  If  a 
twenty-fifth  anniversary  is  to  be  celebrated,  the 
formula  of  the  invitation  is  in  the  following 
style,  clearly  engraved  in  script: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  

request  the  pleasure  of  your  presence 
on  Thursday  evenings  Ncn)e7nber  ^th,  at  eight  o'clock^ 
to  celebrate  the 

twenty^fifth  anniversary  of  their  marriage. 

No.  95  Fifth  avenue. 

In  responding  to  this  invitation,  either  to  ac- 
cept or  decline  the  hospitable  civihty,  courteous 
congratulations  are  added  in  any  graceful  style 
which  an  acquaintance  with  the  givers  of  the  en- 
tertainment may  suggest. 

When  such  an  impressive  anniversary  has  ar- 
rived, it  is  customary  to  secure  as  many  guests 
as  possible  from  among  those  who  were  present 
at  their  wedding. 

When  a formal  supper  is  provided,  the  host  and 
hostess  lead  the  way  to  the  dining-room,  and  the 
guests  follow  in  convenient  order,  as  at  an  ordi- 
nary party.  If  the  supper  be  arranged  in  buffet 
style  the  host  and  hostesss  retain  their  positions 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


159 


during  the  entire  evening,  except  there  be  danc- 
ing, when  they  frequently  head  the  first  set, 
which  is  usually  a quadrille  on  such  anniversa- 
ries. The  guests  take  leave  before  midnight, 
after  having  expressed  wishes  for  many  more 
years  of  health  and  gladness  to  their  entertainers. 

The  birthdays  of  children  are  being  celebrated 
in  this  country  more  and  more.  These  waymarks 
in  the  lives  of  children  are  made  pleasant  remem- 
brances to  them.  A little  feast  is  made  for  the 
child,  to  which  its  playmates  are  invited,  but  the 
invitations  seldom  extend  beyond  a number  that 
may  be  seated  at  table. 

The  feast  is  dainty  and  plentiful,  but  not 
hurtfully  rich,  and  its  especial  characteristic  is  a 
cake  in  which  are  embedded  as  many  fancy  wax 
candles  as  are  the  years  of  the  young  person  in 
whose  honor  the  party  is  given.  These  candles 
are  placed  in  little  tin  tubes  and  sunken  near  the 
outer  edge  of  the  cake;  or  they  may  be  placed  in 
a rim  which  is  arranged  about  it.  They  are  al- 
ready lighted  when  the  young  people  are  invited 
into  the  banqueting  apartment. 

After  the  food  is  eaten  the  one  who  is  cele- 
brating a birthday  cuts  the  cake,  if  he  or  she  is 
old  and  strong  enough  for  such  pleasant  duty, 
and  a piece  of  it  is  given  to  each  guest.  Plays 
or  dances  follow  the  supper. 

These  little  celebrations  continue  annually  un- 
til the  child  is  old  enough  to  enter  society.  Even 
if  the  family  be  in  mourning,  a birthday  is  not 
forgotten,  although  the  festival  may  be  less  gay 
than  usual. 

Among  the  elders  of  a houshold  the  annual 


i6o  THE  USj  of 

return  of  a birthday  is  seldom  celebrated  in  t-.e 
presence  of  any  persons  except  his  or  her  own 
kinspeople.  The  twenty-first  birthday  of  a gen- 
tleman is  often  made  an  occasion  for  extending 
hospitalities  in  the  form  of  a dinner,  a party,  or 
a ball;  but  a lady’s  age  is  not  thus  publicly  no- 
ticed, for  obvious  but  absurd  social  reasons. 

After  the  lady  or  gentleman  becomes  old 
enough  to  feel  proud  of  the  longevity,  the  most 
beautiful  attentions  are  often  bestowed  upon 
them  by  their  young  friends,  and  also  by  those 
who  were  the  companions  of  their  youth. 

Flowers,  letters  of  congratulations,  cards  of 
inquiry  and  respect,  gifts  that  v/ill  interest, 
breakfast  or  dinner  parties,  and  receptions  are 
considered  proper. 

There  are  few  vigorous  people  who  care  to 
emphasize  the  fact  that  they  are  passing  still 
another  annual  milestone  until  they  have  really 
reached  and  entered  upon  the  late  afternoon  of 
life,  and  are  feeling  the  sweet  twilight  of  calm 
falling  like  a blessing  upon  them.  It  is  this 
earlier  unwillingness  to  watch  and  count  the 
years  as  they  go  by  that  has  led  to  the  giving  up 
of  birthday  celebrations  in  the  presence  of  one’s 
acquaintances  during  that  active  interval  which 
comes  in  between  youth  and  old  age.  Even  a 
remembrance  of  his  anniversary  in  one’s  own 
household  is  oftenest  recalled  only  by  a gift 
without  words  ” rather  than  by  spoken  congratu- 
lation. 

As  to  presents  generally,  having  accepted  one, 
it  is  your  duty,  and  ought  to  be  your  pleasure,  to 
let  the  giver  see  that  you  make  use  of  it  as  in- 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY,  i6i 

tended,  and  that  it  is  not  thrown  away  upon  you. 
If  it  is  an  article  of  dress,  or  of  personal  decora- 
tion, take  occasion  on  the  first  suitable  oppor- 
tunity to  wear  it  in  the  presence  of  the  giver. 
If  a book,  do  not  delay  redding  it;  afterward 
speak  of  it  to  the  donor  as  favorably  as  you  can. 
If  of  fruit  or  flowers,  refer  to  them  the  next  time 
you  meet  the  person. 

In  all  cases,  when  a gift  is  sent  to  you,  return 
a note  of  thanks,  or  at  least  a verbal  message 
immediately. 

When  an  article  is  presented  to  you  for  r 
specified  purpose,  it  is  your  duty  to  use  it  fo^ 
that  purpose,  and  for  no  other  according  to  the 
wish  of  the  donor.  It  is  mean  and  dishonorable 
to  give  away  a present,  at  least  wdthout  obtain- 
ing  permission  from  the  original  giver.  You 
have  no  right  to  be  liberal  and  generous  at  the 
expense  of  another,  or  to  accept  a gift  with  the 
--  secret  determination  to  bestow  it  yourself  on 
somebody  else.  If  it  is  an  article  that  you  do 
not  want,  that  you  possess  already,  or  that  you 
cannot  use  for  yourself,  it  is  best  to  say  so  can- 
didly at  once,  explaining  your  thanks  for  the 
offer,  and  requesting  your  friend  to  keep  it  for 
some  other  person  to  whom  it  will  be  advan- 
tageous. 

It  is  fit  that  the  purchaser  of  the  gift  should 
have  the  pleasure  of  doing  a kindness  with  her 
own  hand. 

There  are  persons  who,  believing  that  presents 
are  generally  made  with  some  mercenary  view, 
and  being  themselves  unwdlling  to  receive  favors 
or  incur  obligations,  make  a point  of  repaying 


162 


THE  USAGES  OF 


them  as  soon  as  possible  by  a gift  of  something 
equivalent.  This  at  once  implies  that  they  sus- 
pect the  motive. 

If  sincere  in  her  friendship,  the  donor  of  the 
first  present  will  feel  hurt  at  being  directly  paid 
for  it,  and  consider  that  she  has  been  treated 
rudely  and  unjustly.  On  the  other  hand,  if  com- 
pensation was  secretly  denied  and  really  expected, 
she  will  be  disappointed  at  receiving  nothing  in 
return.  Therefore,  among  persons  who  can  con- 
veniently provide  themselves  with  whatever  they 
may  desire,  the  bestowal  of  presents  is  generally 
unthankful  business.  If  you  are  in  opulent  cir- 
cumstances it  IS  best  to  limit  your  generosity  to 
such  friends  only  as  do  not  abound  in  the  gifts 
of  fortune,  and  whose  situation  denies  them  the 
means  of  indulging  their  tastes. 

By  them  such  acts  of  kindness  will  be  dul)^ 
appreciated  and  gratefully  remembered;  and  the 
article  presented  will  have  a double  value  if  it  is 
to  them  a novelty. 

In  presenting  a dress  to  a friend  whose  cir- 
cumstances are  not  as  good  as  your  own,  and 
who  you  know  will  gladly  receive  it,  select  one 
of  excellent  quality,  and  of  a color  that  you  think 
she  will  like.  She  will  feel  mortified  if  you  give 
her  one  that  is  low-priced,  flimsy,  and  of  unbe- 
coming tint. 

In  making  gifts  to  children  choose  for  them 
only  such  things  as  will  afford  them  somewhat 
of  lasting  amusement.  Showy  toys  that  are 
merely  to  look  at,  and  from  which  they  can  de- 
rive no  enjoyment  but  in  breaking  them  in 
pieces,  are  not  worth  buying 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


i6^ 


\ 

CHAPTER  XVIIL 

NEW  year’s  day  reception. 

The  custom  of  receiving  and  paying  calls  on 
New  Year’s  Day  is  confined  to  New  York, 
Washington  and  a few  other  cities. 

Ladies  who  entertain  elaborately  on  New 
Year’s  Day  usually  send  out  cards  of  invitation 
to  friends  and  acquaintances,  but  it  is  less  cus- 
tomary to  do  so.  The  cards  sent  out  in  the 
name  of  the  hostess  are  in  the  following  form: 

Mrs.  John  Brown. 

At  Home., 

January  first.,  Jrom  one  until  ten  o'clock. 

9145  Madison  Avenue. 

If  Mrs.  Brown’s  daughters  are  to  receive  with 
their  mother,  Misses  Brown  ” is  engraved  on 
the  card  beneath  the  mother’s  name.  If  other 
ladies  also  receive  with  her,  their  visiting  cards 
may  be  inclosed  in  the  same  envelope  with  the 
hostess’  invitation.  Should  a lady  invite  ac- 
quaintances to  call  on  her  at  the  house  of  a 
friend,  she  writes  the  number  of  the  residence 


THE  USAGES  OF 


164 

where  she  is  to  receive  on  her  own  card,  and  sends 
it  together  with  the  visiting  card  of  her  hostess. 
If  refreshments  are  provided,  the  table  is  in  an 
ante-room,  and  is  spread  as  if  for  a reception. 
A servant  opens  the  street  door  without  waiting 
for  the  bell  to  be  rung.  The  caller  leaves  one 
card  in  the  hall,  and  enters  the  drawing-room, 
hat  in  hand,  or  he  may  leave  it  in  the  hall  with 
his  cane  and  overcoat.  The  hostess  offers  her 
hand  to  her  guest  when  he  enters  and  presents 
him  to  her  friends — at  least  to  the  ladies,  to 
whom  he  bows.  If  refreshments  have  been  pro- 
vided, a servant  offers  a cup  of  coffee.  If  the 
rooms  are  crowded,  the  caller  may,  if  he  wishes, 
seek  the  table  without  invitation,  and  a servant 
supplies  his  wants. 

If  a lady  wishes  to  receive  her  friends  in- 
formally, or  rather  less  formally,  she  writes 
^‘January  First”  on  her  visiting  cards,  and 
sends  them  to  the  friends  whom  she  wishes  to 
see  on  New  Year’s  Day.  It  is  not  necessary  to 
mention  any  hours,  as  the  gentleman  takes  it  for 
granted  that  he  is  expected  to  call  between 
twelve  M.  and  ten  in  the  evening,  the  conven- 
tional time.  The  formalities  observed  are  the 
same  as  for  more  elaborate  receptions.  A bas- 
ket is  suspended  from  the  door-handle  as  a re- 
ceptacle for  the  cards  of  those  who  call  if  the 
ladies  of  the  house  do  not  receive  on  New  Year’s 
Day. 

Many  gentlemen  who  cannot  visit  at  this  time 
inclose  visiting  cards  in  envelopes  and  send 
them  by  messenger  on  New  Year’s  morning,  or 
they  drive  from  door  to  door  and  leave  the 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


165 


cards  in  person,  the  right  hand  side  being  folded 
over  to  show  their  friends  that  the  card  was  not 
sent  by  a servant.  A gentlemaa  leaves  a card 
for  each  lady,  and  if  he  wishes  to  be  very  cour 
teous  he  leaves  a card  for  a clergyman  or  an 
elderly  gentleman,  writing  over  his  own  name, 
on  his  card: 


For  Mr. . 

A writer  on  the  etiquette  observed  in  New 
York  upon  this  day  says:  Ladies  who  receive 
in  a general  way  whoever  chooses  to  call  on 
them  are  now  almost  certain  that  the  old-time 
crowds  which  thronged  all  open  doors  a decade 
ago  will  no  longer  intrude  upon  those  from 
whom  they  are  uncertain  even  of  a recognition. 
A gentleman  must  receive  some  unmistakable 
intimation  that  his  congratulatory  visit  at  this 
time  will  be  agreeable  to  the  ladies  of  a house- 
hold before  he  ventures  upon  a visit,  as,  for  in- 
stance,  he  may  be  assured  of  a welcome  by  the 
fact  that  the  ladies  of  his  own  household  inter- 
change civilities  with  the  family  whose  name  he 
places  upon  his  visiting  list.” 


THE  [/SAGES  OF 


I6fe 


CHAPTER  XIX. 

DRIVING  AND  RIDING. 

It  IS  the  fashion  for  young  ladies  to  drive 
young  men  out  in  their  pony-phaetons,  with  a 
groom  behind,  or  even  without  a groom;  but  a 
gentleman  never  takes  a lady  in  his  own  oar- 
riage  without  a servant. 

Gentlemen  and  ladies  walk  together  in  the 
daytime  unattended,  but  if  they  ride  on  horse- 
back a groom  is  always  in  attendance  on  the 
lady.  In  rural  neighborhoods,  where  there  are 
no  grooms,  and  where  a young  lady  and  gentle- 
man go  ok  for  a drive  unattended,  they  have 
thrown  Old  World  etiquette  out  of  the  window, 
and  must  make  a new  etiquette  of  their  own. 

In  driving  in  a carriage  with  ladies,  a gentle- 
man should  take  his  seat  with  his  back  to  the 
horses,  nor  should  he  sit  beside  a lady  unless  re- 
quested by  her  to  do  so. 

When  the  carriage  stops,  he  should  jump  out 
and  assist  her  to  alight,  walking  with  her  up  her 
own  steps  and  ringing  the  bell.  In  entering  the 
carriage,  he  should  put  his  left  foot  on  the  step 
and  enter  the  carriage  with  his  right  foot.  This 
is,  however,  supposing  that  he  sits  facing  the 
horses;  if  he  sits  with  his  back  to  the  horses,  he 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


167 


reverses  the  process.  A gentleman  should 
avoid  treading  on  ladies’  dresses,  or  shutting  them 
in  the  door.  Ladies  who  have  country  houses 
should  learn  to  drive  as  well  as  to  ride. 

A dress  for  driving  should  be  plain  and  dark 
colored,  and  not  one  which  seems  to  defy  dust, 
sun  and  rain. 

A lady’s  riding-habit  is  very  plain  and  free 
from  ornament,  usually  black  or  dark  green,  of 
woolen  stuff  and  close-fitting.  The  gloves 
should  be  strong  buff  leather,  coming  up  well 
upon  the  wrist;  the  whip  light  and  plain. 

Every  lady  who  rides  should  understand  the 
construction  and  fastenings  of  her  horse’s  equip- 
ments as  well  as  she  does  her  own;  and  be  able, 
in  case  of  necessity,  to  bridle  and  saddle  her 
horse  for  herself.  The  dependence  upon  men 
for  every  service  of  this  kind  is  ridiculous. 
When  they  are  at  hand,  make  them  useful,  but 
be  able  to  do  without  them  when  needful. 

A lady  can  scarcely  be  expected  to  have  the 
agility  to  mount  her  horse  from  the  ground 
without  assistance,  though  with  a well  trained 
horse,  she  may  readily  mount  from  the  steps  or 
horse-block.  But  the  best  horse-block  (?)  is  a 
friend  who  knows  his  duty,  and  a sensible  lady 
will  have  no  other. 

The  lady  places  herself  with  her  back  to  the 
near  side  of  the  horse — the  near  side  of  the 
horse  is  the  left  side,  the  side  on  which  a lady 
rides  and  on  which  everybody  mounts — the  reins 
gathered  in  her  right  hand,  with  which  she  also 
grasps  the  near  crutch  of  the  saddle.  The  gen- 
tleman, standing  before  her,  stoops  down,  and 


i68 


THE  USAGES  OF 


clasping  his  hands,  offers  them  as  a stirrup;  she 
puts  her  left  foot  into  his  hands,  and  her  left 
hand  upon  his  right  shoulder;  then,  holding 
herself  firmly,  she  allows  herself  to  be  raised  to 
the  saddle. 

When  a gentleman  rides  with  a lady  he  would 
naturally  take  the  left  or  near  side,  as  better 
able  to  protect  her  and  converse  with  her,  but 
as  his  horse  might  rub  against  her,  or  spatter 
her  dress,  it  is  customary  for  him  to  ride  on  the 
off  side. 

In  dismounting,  the  lady  takes  the  reins  in 
the  right  hand,  as  before,  her  knee  from  the 
crutch,  her  foot  from  the  stirrup,  and,  seeing 
that  her  dress  is  clear,  either  springs  lightly  to 
her  feet,  or  puts  her  hand  on  the  shoulder  of  the 
gentleman  who  stands  read  to  assist  her,  and  so 
jumps  to  the  ground.  A lady’s  right  hand  is 
the  whip  hand^  the  left,  is  the  bridle  hand. 

A lady  must  sit  so  as  to  bear  her  weight  on 
the  center  of  the  saddle,  so  as  to  carry  her 
shoulders  square  with  the  horse  and  well  back; 
carry  the  elbows  near  the  body,  but  not  too 
stiffly.  When  a lady,  while  her  horse  is  in  a 
smart  trot,  can  look  over  on  the  right  side  fat 
enough  to  see  her  horse’s  shoe,  she  is  well  in  her 
seat.  It  is  good  practice  for  a lady  to  ride  for 
a time  without  touching  reins  or  stirrup,  to  get 
the  proper  balance  of  a firm  seat,  and  to  be  able 
to  lean  forward,  or  back,  or  to  either  side,  an- 
ticipating every  movement  of  the  animal;  carry 
a steady,  even  hand  with  a horse,  and  let  him 
know  what  he  has  to  depend  upon.  When  he 
rears,  give  him  a slack  rein  and  meet  him  by 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY.  i6q 

leaning  forward,  otherwise  the  horse  may  be 
pulled  over  on  his  rider. 

Sawing  the  mouth  or  pulling  alternately  on 
each  rein,  will  often  compel  a runaway  horse  to 
stop  when  a steady  pull  on  the  bit  only  seems  to 
aid  his  speed.  So  letting  the  reins  loose  a mo- 
ment, and  suddenly  pulling  up,  may  stop  him, 
but  so  suddenly  as  to  throw  the  rider  if  not  well 
prepared.  When  a horse  is  frightened  at  any 
object,  the  way  to  impress  the  terror  firmly  is  to 
whip  him  for  it.  If  soothed  and  encouraged  to 
examine  the  object,  his  fears  will  be  removed. 
But  there  are  horses  of  a highly  nervous  tem- 
perment  that  are  never  safe  for  a moment  and 
are,  of  course,  unsuited  to  a lady. 


THE  USAGES  OF 


1^Q 


CHAPTER  XX. 

IMPORTANT  GENERAL  CONSIDERATIONS. 

A French  girl  is  not  allowed  to  cross  the  street, 
to  say  nothing  of  shopping  or  calling,  without 
being  accompanied  by  an  elder  woman,  her 
mother,  relative  or  friend,  as  a chaperon.  An 
English  girl  is  also  a victim,  though  perhaps  in 
a less  degree,  to  this  duenna  system.  To  the 
freedom  from  espionage  and  the  independence 
enjoyed  by  a young  woman  in  American  society 
is  due  in  a great  measure  the  self-reliance,  the 
self-confidence,  the  frankness  and  straightfor- 
wardness, qualities  which  are  the  characteristics 
of  our  American  girls.  Of  late  there  has  been 
considerable  discussion  of  the  chaperon  question 
by  writers  upon  American  society,  and  during 
the  past  few  years  there  has  been  a tendency  to- 
ward a closer  imitation  of  all  English  etiquette, 
which  has  brought  in  its  train  a stricter  con- 
struction of  the  duties  of  a chaperon  than  is 
consistent  with  the  traditions  and  the  healthy 
atmosphere  of  our  society.  The  chaperon  in 
any  society  is  a necessity  in  so  far  as  the  maturer 
experience  and  judgment  of  a matron  is  needed 
to  aid  and  correct  the  inexperience  or  ignorance 
of  young  girls;  but  what  is  needed  is  a rational 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY.  171 

chaperon  system,  one  that  is  based  upon  com- 
mon sense  and  not  upon  an  imitation  of  restric- 
tions imposed  by  the  demands  of  an  entirely 
different  state  of  society;  one  that  is  adaptable 
to  a thousand  varying  times  and  conditions;  one 
that  will  play  an  important  part  in  the  develop- 
ment and  proper  education  of  daughters,  and 
not  one  that  will  degrade  them  by  a supervision 
analogous  to  that  of  a suspicious  police. 

Any  rules  specifying  the  occasions  when  a 
chaperon  is  requisite  that  fail  to  make  a distinc- 
tion between  the  young  girl  and  the  unmarried 
woman  of  thirty  are  simply  ridiculous. 

Although  the  matron  may  have  many  social  du- 
ties to  perform,  she  should  not  permit  her  daugh- 
ters to  attend  a ball  ora  theater  party  unguard- 
ed by  the  restraining  influence  of  her  presence. 
She  must  forget  herself,  and,  willing  or  not,  ac- 
company them  to  balls  and  parties  and  sit  un- 
murmuring to  the  end  of  the  dance,  or  else  rele- 
gate this  duty  to  some  young  married  woman, 
whose  aid  and  guidance  may  be  relied  on. 

There  may,  of  course,  be  occasions  when 
young  women  may  go  into  general  society  with- 
out the  protection  of  a chaperon,  but  as  a rule 
they  should  be  few  and  far  between,  for  there 
are  a thousand  little  contingencies  wherein  the 
experience  of  an  older  person  is  needed,  and  a 
look  from  the  lady  under  whose  care  she  is 
temporarily  placed  may  save  the  girl  from 
some  imprudence  for  which  she  would  afterward 
be  ashamed. 

A young  lady  is  sometimes  invited  to  dinner 
without  her  parents;  in  such  a case,  if  she  has 


172 


THE  USAGES  OF 


no  one  to  accompany  her,  she  must  go  early  and 
be  chaperoned  by  the  hostess. 

When  gentlemen  call,  they  should  at  once  be 
shown  into  the  common  sitting-room  and  their 
visit  should  be  shared  with  the  rest  of  the  fam- 
ily; this  saves  the  embarrassment  of  taking  the 
visit  wholly  to  one’s  self.  If  a family  is  so  situ- 
ated that  the  mother  cannot  spare  time  from 
her  domestic  duties  to  receive  the  casual  visits 
of  friends,  her  daughter  had  better  assist  her 
than  to  sit  dressed  up,  every  day,  at  calling 
hours,  unemployed,  awaiting  the  entrance  of 
visitors.  A young  lady  should  never  ask  a gen- 
tleman to  call  on  her — her  mother  may  do  so — 
but  if  a gentleman  asks  if  he  may  call,  she 
would  say  yes. 

What  a young  girl  may  or  may  not  do  can 
hardly  be  regulated  by  any  set  rules  of  etiquette. 
The  matter  must  in  a measure  be  left  to  each 
one’s  sense  of  propriety,  and  the  standard 
changed  as  circumstances  demand. 

A few  things  that  a young  lady  may  not  do 
might  be  suggested.  She  should,  if  possible, 
endeavor  to  avoid  all  pecuniary  obligations  to 
gentlemen.  Young  men  often  think  it  a neces- 
sary piece  of  politeness  to  pay  for  ladies  when 
they  can  ill  afford  it;  therefore  it  is  safest  to 
make  a rule,  subject,  perhaps,  to  an  exception 
now  and  then,  never  to  receive  such  favors  from 
young  men. 

Accepting  presents  from  a gentleman,  unless 
engaged  to  him,  is  a dangerous  thing.  Some 
men  conclude  from  your  taking  one  gift  from 
them  that  you  will  accept  another,  and  think 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


173 


themselves  encouraged  by  it  to  offer  their  hearts 
to  you;  but  even  when  no  misapprehension  of 
this  kind  follows  it  is  better  to  avoid  all  such  ob- 
ligations, and  if  you  make  it  a general  rule 
never  to  accept  a present  from  a gentleman,  you 
will  avoid  hurting  any  one’s  feelings  and  save 
yourself  from  some  perplexity. 

Of  all  the  votive  offerings  made  to  a young 
girl,  flowers  are  the  most  beautiful  and  unex- 
ceptional. When  it  is  the  fashion  for  gentlemen 
to  present  bouquets  to  their  friends,  so  many 
are  given  that  it  seems  more  a tribute  to  the  sex 
than  a mark  of  particular  regard,  and  their  per- 
ishable nature  releases  them  from  the  ban  put 
upon  more  enduring  memorials.  You  can  accept 
and  wear  flowers,  and  to  refuse  them  would  be 
unnecessary  rigor. 

In  a general  statement  it  maybe  as  well  to  say 
that  etiquette  would  prevent  a young  lady  from 
receiving  gifts  from  gentlemen,  except  flowers 
and  bonbonnieres.  It  is  not  considered  proper  for 
her  to  accept  jewelery  from  any  one  but  a relative 
or  her  fiancee  just  before  marriage.  If  it  is  un- 
safe to  receive  presents  it  is  doubly  so  to  make 
them  to  gentlemen,  and  this  never  should  be 
done  except  in  very  unusual  instances.  Each 
one  can  best  decide  this  matter  for  herself. 
Where  a doubt  exists,  the  wisest  course  is  to 
give  one’s  self  the  benefit,  by  making  no  pres- 
ents to  gentlemen. 

A friendly  correspondence  is  very  proper,  if 
the  mother  approves,  but  even  this  has  its  dan- 
gers. 

How  to  allow  a gentleman  a proper  degree  of 


174  the  usages  OE 

friendly  intimacy  without  allowing  him  to  think 
himself  too  much  of  a favorite;  here  one  can 
bring  in  neither  custom  nor  etiquette  to  decide. 
One  very  general  law  would  be,  not  to  accept 
too  many  attentions,  and  to  show  a certain  re- 
serve in  dancing  with  him  or  driving  with  him. 
It  is  always  proper  for  a gentleman  to  take  a 
young  lady  out  to  drive  in  his  dog-cart,  with  his 
servant  behind,  if  her  parents  approve,  but  if  it 
is  done  very  often  it  looks  conspicuous,  and  the 
lady  runs  the  risk  of  being  considered  engaged. 

It  is  a pity  that  the  thousandth  chance  of  a gen- 
tleman becoming  a lover  should  deprive  a girl 
of  the  pleasure  of  a free,  unembarrassed  friend- 
ship with  the  single  men  of  her  acquaintance. 
Yet  such  is  too  commonly  the  case  with  young 
ladies  who  have  read  many  novels  and  ro- 
mances. 

Since  the  etiquette  of  engagements  has  be- 
come so  much  more  elaborate  than  formerly, 
society  in  large  cities  insists  rather  imperatively 
that  affianced  people  shall  not  go  to  theaters, 
balls,  parties,  etc.,  alone;  a chaperon  should  al- 
ways accompany  them. 

Nothing  is  considered  in  worse  taste  than  for 
an  engaged  couple  to  go  alone  to  a restaurant 
for  luncheon  or  to  go  their  unattended  by  a 
chaperon  after  the  theater  for  a supper.  In 
some  places  the  sentiment  is  a different  one,  and 
often  young  people  care  very  little  what  society 
says.  Even  if  mothers  are  careless,  or  there  is 
no  mother,  a young  lady  should  select  a chap- 
eron; some  one  who  is  careful  and  a mistress  of 
etiquette,  and  should  rarely  appear  in  public 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


175 


with  her  betrothed  without  this  third  person. 

A ludy  should  be  extremely  guarded  during 
her  engagement  in  her  manner  toward  other 
men.  She  should  not  correspond  with  them, 
nor  permit  those  attentions  which  as  a belle  and 
an  unaffianced  girl  were  her  right.  She  must 
avoid  even  the  appearance  of  coquetry,  while  a 
lover  should  avoid  all  display  of  jealousy  and  all 
airs  of  mastership.  The  usual  first  attention  to 
a young  lady  by  the  family  of  her  fiancee  is  a 
dinner  party. 

Her  mother,  in  her  turn,  invites  the  groom’s 
family  to  a dinner  or  evening  party,  and  from 
that  time  he  is  asked  everywhere  with  the  lady 
to  whom  he  is  engaged.  Indeed,  it  would  be  a 
great  slight  to  invite  one  without  the  other  after 
the  engagement  is  announced,  excepting,  of 
course,  to  a lady’s  lunch  or  a bachelor  dinner 
party.  After  the  cards  are  out  for  the  wedding 
the  lady  is  not  seen  at  any  party  or  public  place. 
An  engaged  couple  can  accept  gifts  from  each 
other,  and  it  is  quite  proper  for  her  to  visit  his 
family,  if  he  have  a mother  and  sisters.  A man 
must  testify  interest  in  the  family  of  which  he  is 
about  to  become  a member,  without  claiming  a 
place.  He  must  be  devoted  but  not  familiar, 
and  remember  that  he  is  a petitioner  and  on  his 
good  behavior.  Well-bred  lovers  will  not  com- 
pletely ignore  those  who  are  about  them,  nor 
allow  themselves  to  be  too  much  absorbed  in 
each  other. 

There  used  to  be  an  age  of  the  world  when  it 
was  regarded  as  highly  indecorous  for  lovers  to 
evince  so  ostentatiously  their  wish  to  be  alone 


176 


THE  USAGES  OF 


that  everybody  and  everything  had  to  give  way 
to  this  desire.  We  would  fain  hope  that  the  age 
has  not  disappeared  altogether,  but  that  a por- 
tion of  its  spirit  pervades  the  present.  Lovers 
in  poorer  life  naturally  find  it  impossible  to  be 
much  alone.  They  have  their  trades  to  attend 
to,  their  living  to  make,  their  domestic  duties  to 
perform,  and  between  all  these  numerous  calls 
upon  them,  they  find  it  impossible  to  bill  and 
coo  as  much  as  they  could  wish.  Lovers  in  the 
rich  circles  of  life  are  restrained  by  the  conven- 
tionalities of  the  society  amid  which  they  move. 
There  may  be  depraved  sections  of  this  society, 
but  depravity,  when  it  moves  in  refined  chan- 
nels, is  compelled  to  keep  a close  espionage  over 
itself,  and  dare  not  sanction,  even  in  the  inno- 
cent, that  which  has  the  appearance  of  impro- 
priety. 

We  have  not  yet  referred  to  lOvers  among 
people  of  moderate  circumstances — what  might 
be  called  our  middle  class  if  we  had  any  such 
distinction  of  classes  here — because,  though  they 
are  more  numerous  in  this  country  than  in  any 
other,  there  are  a fewer  number  of  persons  dis- 
posed to  admit  that  they  belong  to  it.  It  is 
among  average  persons  of  this  extensive  class 
that  lovers  of  both  sexes  abound,  who,  thinking 
that  they  are  made  for  each  other,  drop  into  the 
error  of  also  believing  that  other  people  were 
made  for  them,  and  that  the  time  and  conven- 
ience of  these  other  people  are  to  be  sacrificed 
in  order  that  Chloe  and  Strephon  may  have  the 
parlor  all  to  themselves  for  as  many  hours  as 
they  choose. 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


177 


But  everywhere  are  to  be  found  instances  of 
selfish  and  egotistic  lovers,  who  have  the 
thoughtlessness  to  imagine  that  they  can 
‘‘make  love  ” to  each  other  in  the  most  open 
and  candid  way,  without  its  being  perceived  or 
suspected  by  the  friends,  kinsmen  or  strangers 
among  whom  they  move.  The  anxiety  which 
these  eccentrics,  innocent  though  it  may  be, 
evince  to  be  alone,  has  a certain  savor  that  is 
utterly  devoid  of  all  delicacy  and  refinement. 
First  love,  whether  in  man  or  in  woman,  in  spite 
of  all  the  foolishness  that  so  often  accompanies 
it,  is  a beautiful  and  sacred  thing.  Consequent- 
ly it  is  not  a thing  to  be  paraded  before  all  the 
world,  and  to  be  so  conducted  that  everybody 
has  the  advertisement  of  its  existence  forced 
upon  him.  As  a rule,  nothing  is  more  interest- 
ing than  a pair  of  true  lovers,  whether  the  ob- 
server be  married  or  single,  husband  or  wife, 
widower  or  widow,  bachelor  or  spinster.  There 
is  something  in  the  first  sweet  blossoming  of  the 
great  passion  that  captivates  all  the  world,  ex- 
cepting a few  moralists  or  cynics  whom  nature 
has  not  blessed  with  even  the  average  richness 
of  sentiment.  But  lovers,  knowing  they  are  in- 
teresting, ought  not  to  presume  upon  the  in- 
terest too  much.  As  a rule,  when  not  bound  by 
the  necessities  and  conventionalities  above  men- 
tioned, they  show  their  selfishness  in  a striking 
and  odious  manner.  Since  each  is  sacred  to  the 
other,  each  expects  that  the  other  shall  be  held 
sacred  by  everybody  else.  Hence  the  Elvinos 
and  Aminas  of  modern  life  are  a very  exacting 
set.  The  young  woman  expects  that  everybody 


178 


THE  USAGES  OE 


shall  find  her  betrothed  perfect,  or,  at  least,  shall 
express  no  sense  of  his  imperfections.  Kindred 
and  friends  are  imperatively  required  to  prac- 
tice a golden  silence  so  far  as  the  possible  pecca- 
bility of  the  divine  object  is  concerned.  Of 
course  there  is  much  that  is  beautiful  in  the  de- 
mand that,  for  true  love’s  sake,  if  the  necessity 
arise,  a man  shall  forsake  father  and  mother  and 
cling  unto  his  wife.  To  this,  one  can  exclaim 
vice  versa  with  all  his  heart.  And  the  facts  that 
Chloe  and  Strephon  oftentimes  begin  to  yawn 
before  the  retirement  of  the  honeymoon  is  fairly 
over,  and  that  the  advent  of  a third  person, 
which  a few  short  weeks  before  would  have  been 
regarded  as  intolerable,  is  now  hailed  with  de- 
light, are  proofs  that  the  best  happiness  of 
young  lovers  is  not  promoted  by  their  selfish- 
ness  and  their  wish  to  seclude  themselves  from 
ail  other  society. 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


1/9 


CHAPTER  XXL 

BRIEF  HINTS. 

A young  lady  does  not  shake  hands  after  an 
introduction.  She  makes  a bow  or  a courtesy. 
The  latter  mode  of  receiving  is  coming  into 
fashion.  A bow,  says  La  Fontaine,  is  a note 
drawn  at  sight.  You  are  bound  to  acknowledge 
it  immediately,  and  to  the  full  amount.  Ac- 
cording to  circumstances  it  should  be  respect- 
ful, cordial,  civil  or  familiar.  If  a gentleman  is 
smoking,  he  manages  to  withdraw  his  cigar  be- 
fore lifting  his  hat. 

A gentleman  on  horseback,  who  sees  a lady 
wishes  to  stop  him,  will  dismount  and  walk  by 
her  side,  leading  his  horse.  For  there  are  few 
occasions  on  which  it  is  permissible  to  stand 
while  talking  in  the  street 

A lady  may  permit  a gentleman  who  is  walk- 
ing with  her  to  carry  any  small  parcel  that  she 
has,  but  never  more  than  one. 

When  a gentleman  joins  a lady  on  the  street, 
turning  to  walk  with  her,  he  is  not  obliged  to 
escort  her  home.  He  can  take  his  leave  without 
making  any  apology,  etc. 


r8o 


THE  USAGES  OF 


A lady  may  request  a gentleman  not  to  keep 
his  hat  off  while  standing  in  the  street,  or  at  her 
carriage,  to  talk  with  her;  but  a gentleman 
should  never  say  to  a lady,  in  her  own  house : 
‘‘Do  not  rise,”  in  taking  leave  of  her.  If  he  is 
a young  man,  she  will  not  think  of  rising;  if  he 
is  her  elder,  she  will  rise  notwithstanding  his  re- 
quest, etc. 

Should  any  one  really  wish  to  avoid  a bowing 
acquaintance  with  a person  who  has  once  been 
properly  introduced,  she  may  do  so  by  looking 
aside,  or  dropping  the  eyes  as  the  person  ap- 
proaches, for  if  the  eyes  meet  there  is  no  alterna- 
tive, bow  she  must. 

A lady  who  invites  a gentleman  to  accompany 
her  to  any  place  of  amusement  should  provide 
the  carriage.  A gentleman  sits  opposite  to  the 
lady,  in  her  carriage,  and  not  by  her  side  unless 
invited. 

When  a lady  offers  to  drive  a gentleman  in 
her  phaeton,  he  should  walk  to  her  house,  if  he 
accepts  the  invitation,  unless,  the  distance  being 
great,  she  should  propose  to  call  for  him. 
Under  such  circumstances,  he  will  be  on  the 
watch,  and,  if  possible,  meet  her  on  the  way. 

If  a lady  takes  a guest  out  to  drive,  the  lady, 
of  course,  takes  her  home  when  she  chooses.  A 
guest  could  not  suggest  the  termination  of  the 
drive. 

For  a wedding:  When  the  circle  of  friends  on 
both  sides  is  very  extensive,  it  is  customary  to 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY,  i8i 

send  invitations  to  those  who  are  not  called  to 
a wedding  breakfast  to  attend  the  ceremony  at 
church.  This  stands  in  place  of  issuing  cards. 
No  one  must  think  of  calling  on  the  newly  mar- 
ried who  has  not  received  an  invitation  to  the 
ceremony  at  church,  or  cards  after  their  estab- 
lishment in  their  new  home. 

The  bride’s  father  provides  the  carriages  for 
the  members  of  his  own  household;  the  groom 
the  one  in  which  he  and  the  bride  return  from 
church. 

Groomsmen,  about  whom  questions  are  often 
asked,  and  by  whom  are  meant  a body  of  young 
men,  similar  in  number  to  the  bridesmaids,  are 
unknown  in  the  best  society.  Their  places  are 
supplied  at  weddings  by  the  ushers. 

Some  ladies  give  an  afternoon  tea  the  day  be- 
fore their  marriage  to  show  their  presents  to  a 
few  intimate  friends. 

When  a bride  appears  for  the  first  time  at  a din- 
ner, she  takes  precedence  of  every  one,  no  matter 
how  high  the  rank  of  another  may  be,  provided 
such  appearance  is  within  three  months  of  her 
marriage.  The  groom  does  not  obtain  any  pre- 
cedence. 

The  bride  often  wears  her  wedding  dress  for 
the  first  large  dinners  and  parties.  The  orange 
blossoms  must  be  removed,  as  they  are  only  per- 
missible on  the  wedding  day. 

It  is,  of  course,  obligatory  to  acknowledge  an 


1 82 


THE  USAGES  OF 


invitation  to  a wedding  breakfast  at  once,  as 
people  naturally  wish  to  know  the  number  of 
guests  they  may  expect. 

Do  not  acknowledge  an  invitation  to  a church 
wedding. 

Bachelors  always  request  the  pleasure  or  the 
honor  of  your  company.  It  is  not  proper  for  a 
gentleman  to  describe  himself  as  at  home.’’ 
He  must  request  the  pleasure.” 


The  question,  should  cards  and  notes  of  invi- 
tation be  sent  to  people  in  mourning,  is  answer- 
ed by  a decided,  yes,  they  should.  Of  course 
no  one  can  be  so  heartless  as  to  intrude  a gay 
Invitation  upon  a person  who  has  had  a death  in 
the  house  under  a month.  But  after  that,  al- 
though it  is  a mere  idle  compliment,  the  compli- 
ment should  be  paid.  After  a certain  period  of 
mourning,  usually  a year,  the  bereaved  family 
should  send  cards,  marked  in  black,  to  all  who 
have  thus  remembered  them. 

A lady,  who  from  age,  illness,  or  great  occu- 
pation, has  no  time  to  make  calls  is  permitted 
to  discharge  all  her  social  obligations  by  invit- 
ing all  her  friends  to  see  her  once  in  the  year. 


Cards  bearing  the  names  of  the  whole  family, 
as 


Mr.  a7id  Mrs.  J ones 


The  Misses  Jones. 


can  be  left  once  a year,  or  sent  out  for  a tea,  or 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY 


183 


for  the  more  formal  business  of  beginning  the 
season.  But  for  subsequent  and  more  particu- 
lar calls,  it  is  better  to  have  a personal  card  for 
each  member  of  the  famih/,  except  for  a young 
lady  in  the  first  season.  Her  name  should  al- 
ways appear  on  her  mother’s  card.  If  she  be 
other  than  the  eldest  unmarried  daughter,  her 
first  name  is  engraved,  and  if  it  is  the  first  so- 
ciety year  of  the  two  daughters,  both  their 
names  are  engraved,  in  full,  beneath  their  moth- 
er’s, and  prefixed  by  misses. 

The  name  of  the  lady  or  gentleman  for  whom 
the  card  is  intended,  must  never  be  v^ritten  on 
the  card  left  at  the  house;  the  only  case  in 
which  it  should  be  done,  would  be  when  cards 
are  left  for  a lady  or  gentleman  staying  at  a 
crowded  hotel,  when,  to  save  confusion,  their 
names  might  be  written  on  the  card: 

For  Mr.  and  Mrs. . 

Visiting  cards  should  be  left  after  every  en- 
tertainment by  those  who  have  been  invited, 
whether  they  accept  the  invitation  or  not,  and 
they  should  be  left  the  day  after  the  entertain- 
ment, if  possible,  but  certainly  within  a week. 
By  entertainment  is  meant  dinners,  balls,  pri- 
vate theatricals,  amateur  concerts,  etc.  A call 
is  necessary  after  a dinner  party;  on  the  other 
occasions,  a card  left  is  sufficient  to  satisfy  the 
demands  of  fashion. 

In  the  country  it  is  more  usual  to  call  than  to 
leave  cards 


184 


THE  USAGES  OF 


A lady  cannot  leave  cards  on  another  lady  to 
whom  she  has  but  recently  been  introduced, 
either  at  a dinner,  or  a tea.  She  must  meet  her 
several  times  in  society,  and  feel  certain  that  the 
acquaintance  is  desired  before  venturing  to 
leave  cards.  If  either  of  the  ladies  express  a 
wish  to  further  the  acquaintance  by  asking  the 
other  to  call  upon  her,  the  suggestion  would 
come  from  the  lady  of  highest  social  position  ; 
if  equal  in  rank,  it  is  immaterial  who  makes  the 
suggestion. 

When  entertainments  require  answers  to  the 
invitations,  they  should  be  made  immediately, 
and  in  the  same  style  and  degree  of  formality  as 
the  language  chosen  by  the  hostess. 

Ladies  who  give  parties  should  be  very  par- 
ticular, indeed,  to  see  that  they  actually  do 
write  all  the  cards  they  intend  to  write,  as  very 
frequently  the  mistake  is  made  by  their  omit- 
ting to  do  so,  though  they  feel  and  say  they 
are  quite  positive  they  wrote  the  card  in  ques- 
tion. 

Only  one  person  should  be  intrusted  with  tne 
task  of  writing  the  invitations;  if  more  do  so, 
confusion  is  certain  to  arise.  Many  ladies  pre- 
fer to  leave  their  invitations  themselves;  but 
this  takes  time,  and  in  these  days  of  innumer- 
able occupations,  it  is  hardly  possible  to  find 
the  requisite  time.  A wise  plan  is  to  trust  the 
invitations  to  the  post,  or  to  send  them  by  a 
servant. 

It  is  a mistake  to  send  out  cards  as  they  are 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


185 


written;  it  is  f?.r  better  to  write  them  all,  check 
them  by  the  list,  and  send  them  all  out  together, 
not  only  because  thus  omission  and  mistakes 
are  more  readily  detected,  but  also  because,  if  all 
receive  them  at  the  same  time,  none  feel  slight- 
ed, or  fancy  that  they  have  only  been  asked  as 
an  after  thought. 

Invitations  from  younger  ladies  to  elder  ones 
should  invariably  be  preceded  by  a call. 

Never  enter  into  explanations  concerning 
those  whom  you  do  not  invite.  When  you  ex- 
plain, it  is  to  give  up  completely  your  own 
rights.  Explanations  are  sometimes  bad  things. 

It  is  a mark  of  good  breeding  to  pass  over  in 
silence  all  omissions  and  commissions. 

After  stopping  with  a friend  living  in  another 
city  than  your  own,  write  at  once  after  your  re- 
turn home.  After  visiting  a friend  at  her  coun- 
try seat,  a call  is  due  her  upon  her  return  to  her 
town  residence. 

The  letters  your  friends  write,  after  having 
visited  you,  do  not  require  answers. 

To  delay  to  answer  an  invitation — especially 
one  to  dinner — is  extremely  ill-bred.  The  cul- 
prits are  generally  either  under-bred  people, 
who  fancy  it  makes  them  of  importance  to  pay 
no  attention  to  the  card,  or  else  they  are  people 
who  never  entertain  themselves,  and,  therefore, 
have  no  idea  of  the  inconvenience  they  are  caus- 
ing. Answers  should  always  be  sent  im- 
mediately 


THE  USAGES  OF 


1 86 

In  replying  to  a note  of  invitation,  say  you 
have  much  pleasure  in  accepting,  or  you  accept 
with  pleasure,  never  you  will  have  the  pleasure 
of  accepting. 

If  an  invitation  is  refused,  it  is  courteous  to 
state  the  reason.  Regret  extremely  that  a pre 
vious  engagement,  etc.  Never  write  the  word 
^‘regrets”  on  your  card,  unless  you  wish  to  in- 
sult your  hostess.  No  one  should,  in  the  matter 
of  accepting  or  refusing  an  invitation,  economize 
his  politeness.  It  is  better  to  err  on  the  other 
side. 

In  notes  of  invitation,  Mr.  and  Mrs.'’  must 
be  written  on  one  line,  and  not  separated.  It  is 
now  very  usual  to  ask  only  one  daughter  to  a 
ball,  and  though  the  name  of  both  father  and 
mother  are  often — though  not  invariably — put 
on  the  card,  it  is  well  understood  that  only  one 
is  to  appear 

In  sending  out  invitations  to  a ball,  if  one 
considers  that  her  rooms  will  accomodate  about 
eighty,  from  one  hundred  to  one  hundred  and 
ten  might  be  invited 

It  is  fatal  to  the  reputation  of  a ball  that  it 
should  be  spoken  of  as  an  awful  crowd.” 

Fourteen  is  a very  dangerous  number  to  in- 
vite to  a dinner  party.  There  is  always  the 
danger  that  some  guest  may  fail  to  appear,  and 
strange  as  it  may  seem  to  rational,  people  there 
really  are  so  many  persons  so  very  childish  as  to 
be  nervous  about  dining  thirteen.  It  is  better 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY,  187 

to  avoid  fourteen.  Sixteen  or  twelve  guests,  it 
is  always  safe  to  invite. 

If  the  invitations  are  for  a quarter  before 
eight,  the  guests  should  be  in  the  house  before 
the  clock  strikes  eight ; if  for  eight  o’clock — 
now  the  usual  hour — the  guests  arrive  by  five 
minutes  past. 

One  invitation  to  a dinner  in  the  season, 
whether  accepted  or  declined,  is  the  usual  rule, 
except  occasionally  in  the  case  of  very  intimate 
friends 

There  has  been,  during  the  last  season,  a re- 
turn to  the  old-fashioned  quadrille,  a most  valu- 
able dance,  as  all  ages,  sizes  and  conditions  of 
men  and  women  can  join  in  it.  A society  paper, 
apropos  of  this  dance,  gives  the  following  elabor- 
ate directions  for  making  a courtesy:  To  make 
a courtesy  properly  is  a very  difficult  act,  yet  all 
who  dance  the  quadrille  must  learn  it.  To 
courtesy  to  her  partner,  the  lady  steps  off  her 
right  foot,  carrying  nearly  all  her  weight  on  it, 
at  the  same  time  raising  the  heel  of  her  left 
foot,  thus  placing  herself  in  the  second  position, 
facing  her  partner,  counting  one.  She  then 
glides  the  left  foot  backward  and  across,  till  the 
toe  of  the  left  foot  is  directly  behind  the  right 
heel,  the  feet  about  one-half  the  length  of  the 
foot  apart.  This  glide  commences  on  the  ball  of 
the  left  foot  and  terminates  with  both  feet  flat 
upon  the  floor,  and  the  transfer  of  the  weight  to 
the  backward  foot.  The  bending  of  the  knees 
and  the  casting  down  of  the  eyes  begin  with 


t88 


THE  USAGES  OF 


the  commencement  of  the  glide  with  the  left 
foot,  and  the  genuflexion  is  steadily  continued 
until  the  left  foot  reaches  the  position  required, 
counting  two.  Then,  without  changing  the 
weight  from  the  backward  foot,  she  gradually 
rises,  at  the  same  time  raising  the  forward  heel, 
and  lifting  the  eyes  until  she  recovers  her  full 
height,  counting  three.,  and  finally  she  transfers 
the  weight  to  the  forward  foot,  counting  four. 
Such  is  the  elaborate  and  graceful  courtesy.”  It 
should  be  studied  with  a master. 

Genteel  is  an  extremely  vulgar  word,  and  is 
never  used  in  good  society. 

Both  “gentleman  friend”  and  “lady  friend  ” 
are  expressions  to  be  avoided. 

All  slang  is  vulgar.  It  lowers  the  tone  of 
society  and  the  standard  of  thought.  It  is  a 
great  mistake  to  suppose  that  slang  is  in  any 
way  witty.  Omy  the  very  young  or  the  uncul- 
tivated so  consider  it. 

Scandal  is  the  least  excusable  of  all  conversa- 
tional vulgarities.  “ Gossip  is  a troublesome 
sort  of  insect  that  only  buzzes  about  your  ears, 
and  never  bites  deep;  slander  is  the  beast  of 
prey  that  leaps  upon  you  from  his  den  and  tears 
you  in  pieces.  Slander  is  the  proper  object  of 
rage  ; gossip  of  contempt.” 

Interruption  of  the  speech  of  others  is  a great 
sin  against  good  breeding.  If  you  interrupt  a 
speaker  in  the  middle  of  his  sentence,  you  act 
almost  as  rudely,  as  if,  when  walking  with  a 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY.  i8g 

companion,  you  were  to  thrust  yourself  before 
him  and  stop  his  progress 

To  listen  well  is  almost  as  great  an  act  as  to 
talk  well. 

Young  persons  can  but  appear  absurd  when 
satirizing  or  ridiculing  books,  people  or  things. 

Good  manners  are  the  shadows  of  virtues,  if 
not  the  virtues  themselves 

A disagreeable  woman  can  always  find  pre- 
cedents for  being  formal  and  chilling;  a fine- 
tempered  woman  can  always  find  reasons  enough 
for  being  agreeable. 

Some  one  calls  politeness  “benevolence  in 
trifles,  the  preference  of  others  to  ourselves  in 
little,  daily,  hourly  occurrences  in  the  business 
of  life,  a better  place,  or  more  commodious  seat, 
priority  in  being  helped  at  table,”  etc. 

A friendly  behavior  often  conciliates  and 
pleases  more  than  wit  or  brilliancy. 

The  higher  the  civilization  of  a community, 
the  more  careful  it  is  to  preserve  the  elegance  of 
its  social  forms.  It  is  quite  as  easy  to  express  a 
perfect  breeding  in  the  fashionable  formalities 
of  cards  as  by  any  other  method,  and  perhaps, 
indeed,  it  is  the  safest  herald  of  an  introduction 
for  a stranger. 

The  forms  and  qualities  of  cards  and  their 
style'of  engraving  are  a matter  in  which  a deli- 
cate taste  is  not  thrown  away.  This  has  been 
mentioned  before  and  we  emphasize  it. 


THE  USAGES  OF 


I go 

In  returning  visits,  observe  the  exact  etiquette 
of  the  person  who  has  left  the  first  card.  A call 
must  not  be  returned  with  a card  only,  or  a card 
by  a call.  If  a person  send  you  a card  by  post, 
return  a card  by  post;  if  a personal  visit  is  made, 
return  it  by  a personal  visit  ; if  3^our  acquaint- 
ance leaves  cards  only,  without  inquiring  if  3^ou 
are  at  home,  return  the  same  courtesy.  If  she 
has  left  the  cards  of  the  gentlemen  of  her  fam- 
ily, return  those  of  the  gentlemen  of  your 
family. 

A lady  calling  where  there  was  a daughter  or 
daughters,  would  leave  a separate  card  for  the 
daughters,  but  she  would  not  leave  her  hus- 
band’s cards  for  the  daughters. 

Calling  where  there  are  sons,  she  would  leave 
her  husband’s  cards  for  them,  but  she  would 
not  leave  her  own  card  for  them. 

No  lady  should  leave  cards  for  an  unmarried 
gentleman,  except  in  the  case  of  his  having 
given  entertainments  at  which  ladies  were  pres- 
ent. Then  the  lady  of  the  house  should  drive  to 
his  door  with  the  cards  of  herself  and  family, 
allowing  the  footman  to  leave  them. 

^‘Not  at  home,”  is  the  understood  formula 
expressive  of  not  wishing  to  see  visitors.  Not 
at  home  is  not  intended  to  imply  an  untruth, 
but  rather  to  signify  that  for  some  reason  or 
reasons  it  is  not  desirable  to  see  visitors;  and 
as  it  would  be  impossible  to  explain  to  acquaint- 
ances the  why  and  wherefore  of  the  inconven- 
ience, the  formula,  not  at  home,”  is  all  suffix 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY,  191 

cient  explanation,  provided  always  that  the  serv- 
ant is  able  to  give  a direct  answer  at  once  of 

not  at  home.”  The  mistress  of  a house  should 
be  especially  careful  to  let  her  servant  know,  be- 
fore the  calling  hours,  whether  she  intends  to  be 
at  home  to  receive  visitors  or  not.  In  order  to 
have  time  to  themselves,  ladies  have  their  regu- 
lar reception  day,  which,  engraved  on  their 
cards,  announces  the  fact,  and  on  all  other  days, 
except  to  intimate  friends,  they  are  not  at 
home.” 

Nothing  is  in  worse  taste  than  that  a caller 
should  ask  the  servant  where  her  mistress  is, 
when  she  went  out,  when  she  will  be  in,  how 
soon  she  will  be  down,  etc.  All  that  a well-bred 
servant  should  say  to  such  questions  is,  “ I do 
not  know,  madam.” 

A lady  having  even  a moderate  acquaintance 
should  have  a visiting-book  in  which  to  enter 
the  names  of  acquaintances,  addresses,  and  note 
calls  made  and  calls  due.  In  sending  invita- 
tions for  parties,  weddings,  or  entertainments,  it 
is  invaluable. 

An  invitation  extended  to  a gentleman  who  is 
a new  acquaintance,  without  mentioning  the 
probable  time  of  being  able  to  receive  him,  is 
equivalent  to  no  invitation  at  all,  and  the  bid- 
den person  need  not  hazard  a call. 

No  cards,”  used  in  announcing  a marriage 
in  a newspaper,  means  that  the  bride  and  bride- 
groom wish  to  maintain  all  their  former  visiting 


192 


THE  USAGES  OF 


acquaintances.  The  custom  of  sending  out 
cards  enables  them  to  drop  such  acquaintances 
as  they  may  not  choose  to  retain  in  the  altered 
circumstances  of  their  lives. 

If  the  wedded  pair  commence  life  in  a house 
of  their  own,  it  is  customary  to  issue  ‘‘at home” 
cards  for  a few  afternoons  or  evenings  at  no  dis- 
tant date,  unl-ess  the  marriage  occurs  in  early 
summer,  when  these  informal  receptions  are  de 
layed  until  the  autumn.  Only  such  persons  are 
invited  as  the  young  people  choose  to  keep  as 
friends,  or  perhaps  only  those  whom  they  can 
afford  to  retain.  It  is  an  easy  opportunity  for 
carefully  rearranging  one’s  social  list,  because 
there  are  limitations  to  hospitality  which  are 
frequently  more  necessary  than  agreeable.  This 
list  of  old  friends  and  acquaintances  cannot  be 
too  seriously  considered  and  sifted,  and  no  mo- 
ment is  so  favorable  as  at  the  beginning  of 
housekeeping 

The  omission  of  reception  cards  is  taken  as  a 
communicative  and  intelligent  silence,  which 
may  cause  regret,  but  cannot  give  offense.  It 
only  declares  that  by  marriuge  the  new  house- 
hold has  doubled  the  number  of  its  kinspeople 
and  friends  by  uniting  two  families.  That 
is  all. 

The  young  couple  are  not  expected,  unless 
fortune  has  been  exceptionally  kind  to  them,  to 
be  immediately  responsive  in  the  matter  of  en- 
tertainments. The  outer  world  is  only  too 
happy  to  entertain  them.  Nothing  can  be  more 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY 

imprudent  than  for  a young  couple  to  rush  into 
expenditures  which  may  endanger  their  future 
happiness  and  peace  of  mind,  nor  should  they 
feel  that  they  are  obliged  at  once  to  return  the 
dinners  and  parties  given  to  them.  The  time 
will  come,  doubtless,  when  they  will  be  able  to 
do  so. 

But  the  announcement  of  a day  on  which  the 
bride  will  receive  her  friends  is  almost  indispens- 
able. The  refreshments  on  this  occasion  should 
not  exceed  tea  and  cake,  or,  at  the  most,  tea, 
chocolate  and  cakes,  which  may  be  placed  on  a 
table  at  one  end  of  the  room,  or  may  be  handed 
by  a waiter.  Bouillon^  on  a cold  day  in  win- 
ter is  also  in  order,  and  is,  perhaps,  the  most 
serviceable  of  all  simple  refreshments. 

Colored  note-paper,  so  common  a few  years 
ago,  is  no  longer  in  use.  A few  pale-greens, 
greys,  blues  and  lilacs  have,  indeed,  found  a 
place  in  fashionable  stationary,  but  at  present 
no  color  that  is  appreciable  is  considered  stylish, 
unless  it  be  Icru^  which  is  only  creamy  white. 

A long  truce  is  at  last  bidden  to  the  fanciful, 
emblazoned  and  colored  monogram;  the  crest 
and  cipher  are  laid  on  the  shelf,  so  a writer  of 
authority  assures  us,  and  ladies  have  simply  the 
address  of  their  city  residence,  or  the  name  of 
their  country  place,  printed  in  one  corner  (gen- 
erally in  color,  or  latest  device  of  fashion),  a fac 
simile  of  their  initials,  carefully  engraved,  and 
dashed  across  the  corner  of  the  note-paper.  The 
day  of  the  week,  also  copied  from  their  own 


194 


THE  USAGES  OF 


handwriting,  is  often  impressed  upon  the  square 
cards  now  so  much  in  use  for  short  notes. 

There  is  one  fashion  which  has  never  changed, 
and  will  never  change,  which  is  always  in  good 
taste,  and  which,  perhaps,  would  be  to-day  the 
most  perfect  of  all  styles,  and  that  is  gbod,  plain, 
thick  English  note-paper,  folded  square,  put  in  a 
square  envelope,  and  sealed  with  red  sealing- 
wax. 

No  one  can  make  a mistake  who  uses  such 
stationery  as  this  in  any  part  of  the  world. 

Many  ladies  prefer  the  monogram;  it  is,  how- 
ever, a past,  rather  than  a present,  fashion.  The 
ink  should  be  invariably  black.  Purple  and  li- 
lac inks  are  not  elegant,  they  are  not  in  fashion, 
the  best  note-writers  do  not  use  them.  The 
plain  black  ink,  which  gives  the  written  char- 
acters great  distinctness,  is  the  only  fashionable 
medium. 

Every  lady  should  study  to  acquire  an  elegant, 
free,  and  educated  hand;  there  is  nothing  so  use- 
ful, so  certain  to  commend  the  writer  every- 
where, as  such  a chirography;  while  a poor, 
cramped,  slovenly,  uneducated,  unformed  hand- 
writing is  sure  to  produce  the  impression  upon 
the  reader  that  those  qualities  are  more  or  less 
indicative  of  the  writer’s  character.  The  angu- 
lar English  hand  is  at  present  the  fashion,  al- 
though less  legible  and  not  more  beautiful  than 
the  round  hand. 

The  laws  of  etiquette  do  not  permit  us,  in 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY,  195 

writing  a note,  to  use  numericals,  as  3,  4,  5,  but 
demand  that  we  write  out  three,,  four^  jive.  No 
abbreviations  should  be  allowed  in  a note  to  a 
friend,  as  “ sh.  be  glad  to  see  you  one  must 
write  out,  I should  be  glad  to  see  you.” 

A note  in  answer  to  an  invitation  should  be 
written  in  the  third  person,  if  the  invitation  be 
in  the  third  person.  No  abbreviations,  no  visi- 
ble hurry,  but  an  elaborate  and  finished  cere^ 
mony  should  mark  such  epistles.  Approach  the 
business  of  writing  a note  with  a certain  thought- 
fulness. If  it  is  necessary  to  write  it  hastily, 
summon  all  your  powers  of  mind  and  try  to 
make  it  brief,  intelligible  and  comprehensive. 
Above  all  things,  spell  correctly.  No  letter  or 
note  should  be  written  on  ruled  paper.  Every 
young  person  should  learn  to  write  without 
lines. 

The  square  cards  are  much  used,  and  are  quite 
largh  enough  for  the  transmission  of  all  that  a 
lady  ordinarily  wishes  to  say  in  giving  or  ac- 
cepting an  invitation.  The  day  of  the  week  and 
the  address  are  often  printed  on  the  card. 

Square  envelopes  have  taken  the  place  of  the 
oblong  ones. 

^ The  elegance  of  a table  depends  essentially 
upon  its  drapery.  The  plainest  of  meats  is  made  a 
banquet  if  the  linen  be  fresh,  fine  and  smooth, 
and  the  most  sumptuous  repast  can  be  ruined  by 
a soiled  and  crumpled  table-cloth.  The  house- 
wife who  wishes  to  conduct  the  house  in  ele- 
gance must  make  up  her  mind  to  use  five  or  six 


THE  USAGES  OF 


sets  of  napkins,  and  to  have  several  dozens  of 
each  ready  for  possible  demands. 

A napkin  should  never  be  put  on  the  table  a 
second  time  until  it  has  been  re-washed;  there- 
fore napkin  rings  should  be  abandoned — rele- 
gated to  the  nursery  tea-table. 

Breakfast  napkins  are  of  a smaller  size  than 
dinner  napkins,  and  are  very  pretty  if  they  bear 
the  initial  letter  of  the  family  in  the  center. 
Those  of  fine  double  damask,  with  a simple  de- 
sign, to  match  the  table-cloth,  are  pretty.  It  is 
not  economy  to  buy  colored  cloths,  for  they 
must  be  washed  as  often  as  if  they  were  white, 
and  no  color  stands  the  hard  usage  of  the  laun- 
dry as  well  as  pure  white.  Colored  napery  is, 
therefore,  the  luxury  of  a well-appointed  coun- 
try house,  and  has  its  use  in  making  the  break- 
fast and  luncheon  look  a little  unlike  the  dinner. 
Never  use  a parti-colored  damask  for  the  dinner- 
table. 

For  dinner,  large  and  handsome  napkins,  care- 
fully ironed  and  folded  simply,  with  a piece  of 
bread  beside  it,  should  lie  at  each  plate.  These 
should  be  removed  when  the^  fruit  course  is 
brought,  and  with  each  finger-bowl  should  be  a 
colored  napkin,  with  which  to  dry  the  fingers. 

Never  fasten  your  napkin  around  your  neck; 
lay  it  across  your  knees,  convenient  to  the  hand, 
and  lift  one  corner  only  to  wipe  the  mouth.  At 
the  close  of  a fashionable  meal  no  one  folds  his 
or  her  napkin;  at  a social  tea  or  breakfast,  each 
follows  the  hostess’  example  in  this  respect. 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY. 


197 


On  elegant  tables,  each  plate  or  cover,”  for 
dinner,  is  accompanied  by  two  large  silver  knifes; 
a small  silver  knife  and  fork  for  fish,  a small 
fork  for  the  oysters  on  the  half  shell,  a large 
tablespoon  for  soup,  and  three  large  forks. 

Fish  should  be  eaten  with  silver  knife  and 
fork,  for  if  it  is  full  of  bones,  like  shad,  for  in- 
stance, it  is  very  difficult  to  manage  it  without 
the  aid  of  a knife.  For  sweetbreads,  cutlets,  etc., 
the  knife  is  also  necessary;  but  for  the  croquettes., 
rissoles,  trinbales,  and  dishes  of  that  class,  the  fork 
alone  is  needed. 

Pears  and  apples  should  be  peeled  with  a sil- 
ver knife,  cut  into  quarters,  and  then  picked  up 
with  the  fingers.  Grapes  should  be  eaten  from 
behind  the  half-closed  hand,  the  stones  and  skin 
falling  into  the  fingers  unobserved,  and  thence 
to  the  plate.  The  pineapple  is  almost  the  only 
fruit  which  requires  both  knife  and  fork. 

A knife  and  fork  are  both  used  in  eating  salad, 
if  it  is  not  cut  up  before  serving.  A large  let- 
tuce leaf  cannot  be  easily  managed  without  a 
knife,  and,  of  course,  th*e  fork  must  be  used  to 
carry  it  to  the  mouth.  Thus  as  bread,  butter, 
and  cheese  are  served  with  the  salad,  the  salad- 
knife  and  fork  are  really  essential. 

Salt-cellars  are  now  put  at  each  plate,  and  it 
is  not  improper  to  take  salt  with  one’s  knife. 

In  using  a spoon,  be  very  careful  not  to  put  it 
too  far  into  the  mouth.  For  the  coffee  after  din- 
ner, a very  small  spoon  is  served,  as  a large  one 


198  THE  C/SAGES  OF 

would  be  out  of  place  in  the  small  cups  that  are 
used. 

For  a servant,  neatness  is  indispensable;  a 
slovenly  and  inattentive  servant  betrays  a slov- 
enly household.  The  servants  often  do  their 
employers  great  injustice.  They  are  slow  to  re- 
spond to  the  bell,  they  give  uncivil  answers,  they 
deny  one  person  and  admit  another,  they  fail  to 
deliver  notes,  they  are  insolent,  they  neglect  the 
orders  of  the  mistress  when  she  is  out.  We  can- 
not expect  perfection  in  our  domestic  service, 
but  it  is  possible,  by  painstaking  and  patient 
teaching,  to  make  a respectable  and  helpful  serv- 
ing class.  Servants  are  very  apt  to  take  their 
tone  from  their  employers — to  be  civil  if  they 
are  civil,  and  insolent  if  they  are  insolent.  A 
hostess  should  never  reprove  her  servants  in  the 
presence  of  her  guests;  it  is  cruel  both  to  guest 
and  servant,  and  always  shows  the  mistress  in  an 
unamiable  light.  Whatever  may  go  wrong,  the 
lady  of  the  house  should  remain  calm. 

The  one  thing  which  every  lady  must  firmly 
demand  from  her  servants,  is  respect.  She  can 
at  least  gain  outward  respect  by  insisting  upon 
having  it,  and  by  showing  her  servants  that  she 
regards  it  as  even  a greater  desideratum  than  the 
the  efficient  discharge  of  duties.  The  mistress 
must  not  lose  her  temper.  She  must  be  calm, 
imperturbable,  and  dignified  always.  If  she 
gives  an  order,  she  must  insist,  at  whatever  per- 
sonal cost,  that  it  shall  be  obeyed.  Pertinacity 
and  inflexibility  on  this  point  are  well  bestowed. 

A servant  cannot  be  too  carefully  taught  her 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


igg 


duty  to  visitors.  She  should  treat  all  callers 
with  respect  and  civility,  but  at  the  same  tim^ 
she  should  be  able  to  discriminate  between 
friend  and  foe,  and  not  unwarily  admit  those  in- 
numerable cheats,  frauds  and  beggars,  who,  in 
a respectable  garb,  force  an  entrance  to  one’s 
house  for  the  purpose  of  theft,  or,  perhaps,  to 
sell  a cement  for  broken  crockery,  or  the  latest 
thing  in  hair-dye. 

To  assure  your  servants  that  you  believe  them 
to  be  honest,  is  to  fix  in  them  habits  of  honesty. 
To  respect  their  rights,  their  hours  of  recreation, 
their  religion,  their  feelings,  to  teach  them  to 
read  and  write  and  to  make  their  clothes,  so  that 
they  may  be  useful  to  themselves  when  they 
leave  servitude — all  this  is  the  pleasureable  duty 
of  a good  mistress,  and  such  a course  makes 
good  servants. 

Familiarity  with  servants  always  arouses  their 
contempt;  a mistress  can  be  kind  without  being 
familiar.  She  must  remember  that  the  servant 
looks  up  to  her  over  the  great  gulf  of  a different 
condition  of  life  and  habit — over  the  great  gulf 
of  ignorance,  and  that  in  the  order  of  nature  she 
should  respect  not  only  the  person  in  authority, 
but  the  being,  as  superior  to  herself.  This  salu- 
tary influence  is  thrown  away  if  the  mistress  de- 
scends to  familiarity  and  intimacy. 

Servants  should  wear  their  shoes  in  the  house, 
and  be  told  to  step  lightly,  not  to  slam  doors,  or 
drop  china,  or  to  rattle  forks  and  spoons.  If  to 
neatness,  good  manners  and  faithfulness  be 


200 


THE  C/SAGES  OF 


added  a clear  head,  an  active  body,  and  respect- 
ful manner,  we  have  that  rare  article — a perfect 
servant. 

A great  drawback  to  balls  in  America  is  the 
lack  of  convenience  for  those  who  wish  to  re- 
main seated.  In  Europe,  where  the  elderly  are 
first  considered,  seats  are  placed  around  the 
room,  somewhat  high,  for  the  chaperons,  and  at 
their  feet  sit  the  debutantes.  These  red-covered 
sofas,  in  two  tiers  as  it  were,  are  brought  in  by 
the  upholsterer,  as  we  hire  chairs  for  the  crowd- 
ed musicals  or  readings  so  common  in  large 
cities,  and  are  very  convenient.  It  is  strange 
that  all  large  halls  are  not  furnished  with  them, 
as  they  mak^e  every  one  comfortable  at  very  lit- 
tle expense,  and  add  to  the  appearance  of  the 
room. 

It  is  not  wise  for  young  ladies  to  join  in  every 
dance,  nor  should  a young  chaperon  dance,  leav- 
ing her prosegec  sitting. 

A lady  should  not  overcrowd  her  rooms.  To 
put  five  hundred  people  in  a hot  room,  with  no 
chairs  to  rest  in,  and  little  air  to  breathe,  is  to 
apply  a very  cruel  test  to  friendship. 

In  a majority  of  luxuriant  houses,  a tea-room 
is  open  from  the  beginning  to  the  end  of  a ball, 
frequently  in  some  room  of  the  second  story, 
bouillo7t,  tea,  coffee  and  a plate  of  sand- 
wiches, or  any  such  light  refreshment,  for  those 
who  do  not  wish  a heavy  supper.  A large  bowl 
of  iced  lemonade  is  also  in  this  room — a most 


THE  BEST  SOCIETY, 


201 


grateful  refreshment  after  leaving  a hot  ball- 
room. If  a smoking-room  has  not  been  provid- 
ed, it  is  the  heighth  of  indelicacy  for  gentlemen 
to  smoke  in  the  dressing-room. 

The  practice  of  putting  crash  over  carpets  has 
proved  so  unhealthy  to  the  dancers,  on  account 
of  the  fine  fuzz  which  rises  from  it  in  dancing 
that  it  is  now  almost  wholly  abandoned;  and 
parquet  floors  are  becoming  so  common,  and  the 
dancing  on  them  is  so  much  more  agreeable  in 
every  way,  that  ladies  have  their  heavy  parlor 
carpets  taken  up  before  a ball  rather  than  lay 
crash. 


. t : 


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